Angry

I have moments where I'm "I can do this, I can handle this, snap out of it" which then after followed by tears over nothing!
I feel like I am secretly grieving my father. God forbid I tell anyone I am upset. They would say "why do you miss that man?" "He wasn't around, he wasn't there for you"
I feel bad. I feel bad nobody cared about him. I feel bad at the choices he mad in his life that made people hate him. I'm so angry! I'm so angry!
I'm angry at everything and everyone.

Another bad day

I am angry and sad. I'm fairly certain I could be happy never leaving the house again.
I just keep on faking it every day. It was so bad today I asked my 10 year old for help. They wanted to go swimming I really didn't want to go outside. I told him to help me because I couldn't get moving.
I don't want to burden him with explaining his mother is a fat piece of shit low life who can't handle a thing.
I'm watching my youngest warm up a hot dog for lunch because I feel like crying.
My fountain is broken. That's how I think about my life. I don't value myself because I wasn't valued as a kid. Sure I do things now but nothing makes me happy. Nothing, not even my kids. I wanted them so badly now I'm afraid I am fucking them up. I fake it as best as I can every day to keep them going.
I'm so angry at my father for giving up and screwing up his life. He always thought he could get away with whatever wrong he did. Whatever the fuck he did this last time is the reason he just gave up on his life. Refusing treatment is suicide. My father committed suicide. Am I the only one who sees this? I didn't go see him. I was angry he was addicted to the pills. Another thing nobody else saw. I'm angry he fell for that scam on the dating site. I'm angry he didn't get to spend more time with his grandkids.
I'm just angry.

My life sucks

Depression.... it's killing me. A slow painful, all consuming, worthlessness, self loathing, every day feeling.
I'm just waiting to die.
I won't kill myself because what it would do to my kids. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't be here.
I'm lonely so lonely but hate myself so I don't do anything to change.
The smallest of things sets me off into the out of control spiral. The bigger things keep me in this black hole where I have spent most of my life feeling useless and unwanted.
I married the wrong person, because I viewed myself as worthless and this was the best I would ever do. I did that TWICE!  If my first husband didn't leave me I would still be on that first marriage. I'm too weak to leave this husband and have no idea how to take care of myself. I'm good at pretending.
I'm so worthless to the person I married that he feels he can blame me and yell at me because he broke something shortly after I called him.
It's my fault because it was a pointless conversation to him.
I can't make up my mind, I can't make decisions. I'm hurting over the smallest of things. I called to tell him the play day got changed and I wasn't sure what time he was working until and if we should do anything when he got home.
I can't make decisions. I'm  hurting. He is the one who can see I'm falling apart but I'm not important enough for him to care about me. Of course I'm not important enough we haven't lived like husband and wife in 6 years. I'm his roommate that has to feed him.
I called him.
I asked him something unimportant.
He broke something after we hung up.
It's my fault.
Where I realized it's not my fault, I wasn't there. I didn't anger him. We didn't fight. It was a short conversation.
I'm not allowed to call him anymore.
I am so unimportant, do worthless I can't call him anymore!
Would he have broken whatever it was without me calling? I don't know. He said he dropped it after I called. He wouldn't have had the phone in his hand I guess.
I'm worthless.
I'm nothing.
I don't have it in me to do anything to help myself including working out.
My current mission each day is to as little as possible, stay home and not talk to people. I'm killing it!