Day 83 - headache

I have been getting A LOT of headaches lately. I have one right now!! So much so that this morning when Anthony got up he said "stop talking you're giving me a headache" umm yep that's what I say alright! Tension? Lack of Sleep? Stress? All I can think of is...





Waiting for the bus this afternoon the mail came and some of my awesome lemon stuff was delivered and I'm way over my 3 lemon limit ;-)

I can't believe how excited I was to get new panties. When I opened the box I was SHOCKED to see how small they were, no way were they going to fit me, just no friggen way!!  I got a pair I was wearing when I was pregnant with Alexander and put my new lemon pair on top.. take a look!



In all fairness the new lemon ones are stretchy, but I still didn't think I would get them on...there they are.. on my big fat ass.





The bus was late dropping Anthony off, the monitor people came to download Alexander's data at the same time.. it felt crazy here for about a half hour. My headache still hasn't gone away no matter what I take. I doubt I'm getting a work out in at this point. Even my eyes hurt.

I'm waiting for the roommate so I can go to the A&P (big surprise) Anthony needs to bring strawberries for school tomorrow..... and the monitor just went off...shit that was a bad one! so much for hoping this thing was coming off in June.

I'm going to try to work on the seating chart for the Christening a little more tonight and then I'm going to bed early.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$
PS - I really thought my Thursday would be Tuesday. I even thought it was confirmed that Thursday was Tuesday BUT TUESDAY DIDN'T HAPPEN AND I'M PISS! And now I believe what I thought and was upset over yesterday. 

Days 79, 80, 81 and 82

OMG I'm almost done with my first 90 challenge and I'm a major slacker at the end. I didn't plan it this way, I thought I would be ready for my son's Christening not trying to get everything done in the last two weeks.

Sunday May 27 - Day 79

I took Anthony to Rachel's birthday party, monster mini golf. He had a great time with the games but didn't do to well with the golf part. He did like that we were glowing :-)


I had to run to the A&P after the party, no wonder the roommate said I'm having and affair when I go to the A&P I'm there ALL THE TIME! It would help if he put things on the list so I wouldn't have to keep stopping there. In fact it's usually him that calls and says "on your way home can you stop at the A&P"

I changed my clothes when I got home and worked the rest of the day on the Christening Video Montage for the Christening, in between cooking dinner and feeding Alexander. Another day he just couldn't be in charge and let me do what I do.

Here is some of the messages I sent out on Sunday when the roommate was stressing me out.

•  if a small bottle holds 4oz and a large bottle holds 8oz and Alex has 5oz per feeding...what size bottle do you use?

• if it's 2oz of water per scoop of formula and you use 3 scoops, how many oz of water do you add to the bottle?

By the end of the day Anthony started with a runny nose and being stuffy.

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Monday May 28 - Day 80

Monday I was determined to get the video DONE! I sent the roommate out on a mission. I wrote down all the directions and went over it 4x. See if you can follow me...

Go to Toys R Us

1. Get Anthony paint, make sure it has white and black in it.
2. Get him paper, look for a roll like we had or get the largest pad they make.
3. Look for new swings for our swing set. I saw the infant swing in Babies R Us, I'm sure they have it at Toys R Us, get a new infant swing and a regular swing. 
4. Use the Gift Cards (hand him $100 in gift cards)
5. Go to Dunkin Donuts get me a Decaf Iced Raspberry Coffee, cream no sugar.

He called a few times to check and double check on things, which is normal. If I write it down, if he writes it down, doesn't matter he is incapable of completing any task without double checking because he is so unsure of himself.

He called about the paint, then the swing...I figured it would be the coffee he messed up on, he would forget the Raspberry part, because after all it's only been my favorite flavor (unless it's pumpkin time) for the whole time we've been together, why would he remember what I like.

He came home, coffee was correct, had the paint, the paper, the swings.. wow! he did good...I asked him "How much was left on the gift cards?"
And there it was.. that's what he did wrong. He used our dept card to pay for all of it.
I did NOT have buying swings in our budget, I couldn't even let it go, he had to go back and make them credit our account and use the gift cards!!!
Well it's Wednesday and our dept card still hasn't been credited back the money he spent.  Guess I'll be calling Toys R Us.

I finished the video and sent it off to my cousin to check it. I just needed to take a few more pictures I wanted for the last song.

Anthony still had a runny nose so I decided to keep him home on Tuesday.

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Tuesday May 29 - Day 81  
Anthony slept Monday night with Nonna, you know her as the saboteur. Alexander had a 11am eye doctor appointment to check for the eye condition that Anthony has. I was trying not to get nervous and knew if he did have it, it would mean glasses and patches. I've been there and done that, but I was still worried.

The saboteur calls me at 9am to tell me she's sick *cough cough* with stomach pains *cough cough* and a a fever.. BUT SHE'S COUGHING!! No sore throat??? DRAMA!!! Every time she's sick with anything, all of the sudden she can't talk and has a sore throat! Guess what you can be sick and still talk, you don't have to make yourself sound like DEATH. 

When  I hear FEVER... if I think she's faking or not.. stay the HELL AWAY FROM MY PREEMIE!! My baby still gets shots to help him with his immune system. It's one thing to have mommy's germs who he's with every day, it's another to have crazy lady germs who says she has a fever.

I packed up what I needed, got everything in the van and went to get Anthony. She asks like death *cough cough* "I'm coming wait for me". I told her to say home, call the doctor and there was no way she was going near Alexander with a fever.  She says "Well how are you going to handle them" to which I snapped at her "The same way I always do, they are my boys I'll handle it" and left with the kids.

How am -I- going to handle it? She clearly doesn't see everything I'm doing for these two! If she had to take me or my brother to all the doctors like I have to take my boys from such an early age I don't think she would handle it well. She didn't seem to handle it well when my brother had ear infections all the time. She would get mad that he got sick in the middle of the night and threw up.

Anyway little Mr. Alexander is in the clear, no sign of amblyopia.



Tuesday night I went to work out and the AC wasn't working in the living room. No way I could work out with how hot it was. The roommate who's usually good for nothing, some how got it working again but it was late and my stupid fat ass decided to finish the video instead.

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Wednesday May 30 - Day 82

My plans in the morning were to drink my coffee and shake while watching the video one more time while giving Alexander his bottle. I did that... but then I just didn't like the song I used when Alexander came home from the hospital. So I spent all day AGAIN reworking the damn thing!

I did manage to put chicken in the crock pot and make my boys dinner while working on the montage AGAIN!!  Even Alex was watching what I was doing and I snapped this picture of him. So cute I ended the video with it.


At 3pm I'm happy to report the video montage was finished and ordered!!!! Wanna watch Alexander's Video Montage of his little life? click here

Anthony had a birthday party this evening at Chuck E. Cheese. I got the boys ready and we left at 5:30pm to get up there. I'm so glad the mom wasn't worried with Anthony having a runny nose.. but it has gotten better and I'm sending him to school tomorrow!

I got home about 9pm the boys both had a bath, went on Facebook for a bit and yelled at myself that I didn't work out again today! However while at the birthday party everyone was eating that...

And I ate this...


I might not be working out as much as I like this week, but I've been to two birthday parties and I did not eat anything I shouldn't.

And one last note to myself, since this blog is about my whole journey and my emotions are a big part of why I got like this...
Dear Lemon Police,
if the saboteur has upset me, and the roommate is pissing me off, haven't you learned by now, one wrong comment and I'm going to be a big crying mess?

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 78 - worked out enough yesterday

My whole body is sore from my work out yesterday and achy due to lack of sleep. I just couldn't fine enough energy to work out today.

 I got to bed at 2am last night, at 5am the alarm went off, I jumped out of bed ran to the crib to find Alexander was fine his alarm wasn't going off...so what was that alarm I was hearing? I left the bedroom in search of the score of the noise. I discovered the roommate's alarm clock going off but no roommate in bed! That b@$t@rd stayed up all night, fell asleep in the living room on his laptop with the TV on!

I wanted to kill him. I got him up, went back into the bedroom to find Alexander was awake and hungry. Turned around went to the kitchen to make him a bottle cursing the roommate, who was already in the king size bed sleeping. I fed my cutie pie and he finally fell back to sleep about 8am, I didn't get back to bed until 9am.

At 10am Alex woke up again fussy and crying. I got up went to get the roommate, yelled his name a few times, when he didn't answer, I HIT HIM!! Told him to get his ass up and take care of Alex because I felt sick due to lack of sleep WHICH WAS HIS FAULT!


I finally got some much needed sleep, then worked on the video montage for Alexander's Christening all day. This is me working. I told roommate to take a picture of us. You think the ass would let me create and take care of the boys, but something on the monster truck website is much more important, so most of the day  worked with Alexander on my lap.


His pisses me off so much! When I said I had to blog he said he didn't understand why I was blogging all the time or what the point was. He never ever listens to me. I keep telling myself my sentence with him is almost over.

If I didn't have to get a birthday card for the birthday party we are going to tomorrow morning I would have just stayed in my PJs all day. But we all went to the store and then wondered around Kohl's. I wondered around the Woman section.


I looked across into the Petites and wondered how much longer before I will be able to shop on that side of the store. I don't remember ever wearing anything smaller than a 16. I'm sure I did, but that's the only size I can remember shopping for myself.


I am still so tired and plan on being in bed in the next hour. After the party tomorrow I will push myself to work out! Hopefully a good night's sleep uninterrupted will help.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 77 - eyes on my goal

I didn't expect much from my weigh in this morning because of how much I ate over the weekend. My scale finally showed me at the same weight as last Friday this morning. It's really not about the number on the scale anymore, I like my fitness goals much better, but I still do not like when that number goes up!

I ended up down 0.5lb. This showed me I am capable of having fun and eating and then getting myself right back on track with my new healthier lifestyle. I am really pleased with myself this week.

So what was my reward? A nice large cup of iced coffee (what flavor?) and a 60 minute work out with Jillian Michaels!!! Someone around here weighs 1.5lbs less than me right now.. and I am going to make sure there is a difference in my favor this week :-P

 Besides this is my last big push before the Christening. I need to stay focus, on track and more determined.




 I can't believe I was able to push myself and get through the whole DVD but I was tired, it was hard. I had to slow down a few times but I did my best to keep up with her.




When I got dressed this morning I put on.. umm... my FORMER favorite t-shirt. Someone might like the shirt falling off of me and showing the girls, but this shirt is TOO BIG!
Here I am in the same shirt  and leggings on my birthday on April 4th before I went for my pedicure Here I am in the shirt on January 15 when I tried it on in Lane Bryant
I am so glad I take a ton of pictures. I love seeing the difference in me! The thin girl trying to get out is really happy.

I did a bunch of other stuff today but it's late and I'm tired so more blah blah blah another time.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 76 - I'm doing WHAT???

I can only think in short spans of time... from doctor to doctor appointment for Alexander and what I have to do in between them. I haven't even allowed myself to think too much about going away in 3 weeks because I have TOO much to do. But that Cheryl crazy lady had me thinking about a year from now and she needs to be stopped *evil laugh*

Next weekend Cheryl is doing the dreaded Spartan Race. I'm in total awe of her training so hard. Just the burpees alone scare the crap out of me! Looks like you have to climb a rock wall,  rope and other crazy obstacles.

Wait!.. I'm not saying I don't want to do this, because she put the bug in my head.. HOWEVER I do not think I will be physically ready a year from now. There are too many what ifs that freak me out and I do sooo much better thinking SHORT TERM GOALS. Thinking about what I will be able to do a year from now is too much for my fat ass. 

But that crazy Cheryl says "You're doing it" even now while I type this I hear her in my head. I'm going to go with her and will take as many pictures as I can and THEN I will decide if I'm going to try for next year.

I did my work out for about a half hour. I still hate Jillian Micheals, hate her, hate her, hate her, but I am really liking my shoulders ;-) The girls on the DVD hardly get dewy and the sweat just pours off me.



When I was doing the leg lifts or whatever the heck I was doing, I thought to myself  "Those aren't my legs!"





I had a Lemon-licous idea. I made lemon zest from two lemons and put into an ice cube tray.

Then I squeezed the lemon juice from one lemon into the tray and sliced up the other one into real small pieces to fit into the tray


Poured water in and stuck in the freezer. Now I'll have Lemon-licous ice cubes for my water without breaking the 3 lemon limit!




Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 75 - it's Wednesday? felt like Tuesday ;-)

Warning..high volume of photos today.

Waves to the lemon police ;-) that's why it feels like Tuesday....moving on

I'm not sure if it's the No More Trouble Zone's DVD or the fact that I didn't work out for 4 days, but I'm having trouble getting through to the end. When Alexander started crying 20 minutes into the work out, I was soooooooooooooooo glad! Work out called on the count of a crying baby yippee!



For only 20 minutes I am still sweating like a pig. This lady is killing me, but I am seeing results. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair.. my arms are getting defined!!! Look at my shoulder you can see it! You can see the muscles.



I got dressed when into my favorite t-shirt drawer and pulled out my Bon Jovi T-shirt that I never wore because I couldn't fit into! It's a little long, I wish I knew how to sew... that's on my bucket list, I really need to get on that and learn.



Anthony was already a brat on the bus, I should have known it was going to be a nightmare going out with him and the saboteur, but the coupon I had for Payless ended today and he really needed sneakers. So off we went.

I got myself a large iced coffee and off we went. As I snapped this photo, the man sitting on the bench, on the right side of my coffee picture, asked me why I took a picture of my coffee. I told him I blog every day. I wanted to say, because if I sent this picture to the roommate he would have NO idea what kind of coffee I have, but if I send it to the "boyfriend" he would know without a doubt!





As you can see Mr. Anthony was already his crazy self. He wanted to climb on the stop sign. As I took his picture I wish I had a sharpie with me so I could write above the word stop "Don't" and below it "Believing"



And here he is in Kohl's putting on a fashion show for me.



I tried on a few things. I did not get any of these dresses I didn't like how any of them looked and they were more money than the ones I have bought on zulily.com.



I was at Kohl's on a mission to find a handbag I saw on their site, but no luck, but I figured I'd just order it on line when I got home. So I started hunting for yellow stuff since that's the "IT" summer color this year and just happens to work well with my crazy lemon craze.

I like this shirt, size 1X, but dammit I am going to have to change this blog name to My Big Fat Stomach! I refuse to buy a 2x shirt because I am only going to lose more weight so at some point it will look better and until then I'll wear the spanks under it. Hey and the shorts size 16!!! go me ;-)



This is the other yellow shirt but this is a size 2X and it felt big everywhere.



I went out and got the 1X and it looks better don't you think? but ugh that stomach.. I need to work out harder.



Next onto yellow shoes...which sandal do like better? My purple toes have to go if I'm wearing these.



Anthony was so out of control by the time we were done, my face was red from holding him down. I even had to step on his harness when he got away from me in order to stop him from running out into the street.

When the roommate got home I put him in charge on Anthony, which is a joke. A lot more screaming and yelling took place until they both got to bed. And the headache that slowly started was still going strong after they both  went to sleep! Anthony needs to be in  a padded room sometimes.

I went on Facebook for a while and caught up with everyone's life. Cheryl posted a link about a girl who ran the spartan race. If you have time read her blog.

She really is inspiring, maybe I will be ready to race next June. I really liked the part of her story with her trainer putting the muddy hand print on her back and saying "I got your back". Which gave me an idea!!

I am going to get myself a few shirts and some fabric paint. I'm going to ask a few of my friends who have really been supportive of me to put their hand in the paint then on the back of my shirt.

So if you see me coming towards you with a dish, some paint, baby wipes to clean up and a shirt with a board in it, you'll know what's going on. Fair warning this is going to happen at the Christening!!!


I continued my "lemon shopping" on line.. and got the handbag I wanted ;-) Now the lemon police told me if I got anything with more than 3 lemons on it he would take a scissors and cut all but 3 lemons off... hope he doesn't do that to my new handbag.



I also found these!!!!!!!!!! prefect one lemon, can't get in trouble there. And I need new panties, mine are all to big.



I'm taking a big risk here.. I have a feeling there will be scissors involved..LMAO




That's it, that's my day. See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 74 - Unhappyily Ever After

Seven years ago today we had our big stupid renewal of vows ceremony and reception spending $50k! Yes that's right, that's how much that F&^$en thing cost us and that's just my estimate because I never had the courage to add up all the bills.

I hated planning that day! When I cancelled it in '04 I should have just cancelled it and kicked his ass out! I should have known from his BS that he wanted a big wedding but when push came to shove he didn't have an opinion on anything! "Whatever you want" was what I heard a lot, which led me to the cancelling of the party in '04. I DIDN'T WANT IT! I didn't want that big wedding. I wanted a marriage!!!!!!!! Why oh why didn't I listen to my gut?   

For the past 4 years I have been hoping he would fight for us, fight for this marriage. But once again I am not important and invisible. I can't believe I married someone just like my mother! And I even told her that in yesterday's fight.

The roommate did call and wish me a happy anniversary.. UGH I said it back but could feel the tears forming so I got off the phone quick. I'm not happy and neither is he if he would be honest with himself. Something is very very wrong if we go months and months without being intimate!

I got Anthony on the bus and finally got to do a work out. Of course not working out for 4 days I couldn't handle getting all the way through the No More Trouble Zones!


I got myself dressed and ready to go to Costco when the stupid roommate got home. I called him 2 times to find out where he was.... he stopped off to talk to a guy at the other shop.

I would LOVE to just "stop off" some where to talk to someone and not have any care in the world to get home or check in. Finally he got in and Anthony and I went to pick up my Memorial Day cards.


I had most of the out of state envelopes ready and stamped. I put the cards in while in the parking lot of Costco then drove to the post office to mail them. Well Anthony mailed them :-)



I'll finish the rest tomorrow and get them in the mail.

This was a shitty Tuesday.. no lemon police either! And that just makes me more sad :(

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 73 - I blew up at the saboteur!

I was planning on working out after Anthony went to school, however the stupid DVD player was stuck and I couldn't get it to open. It only happens when a DVD is left in there for a day and the player isn't turned off.

So you can just guess who watched something on Sunday and didn't remove the disc! For whatever reason the thing just spins and spins and doesn't open. You have to unplug it, but the plug is behind the entertainment center where I can't reach. So I had to wait for the stupid roommate who cause the problem to come home and fix it.

I got Anthony off to school when the saboteur asked me to print a list of every restaurant in Disney World, because her girlfriend needed a recommendation of where to eat. WTF?! -every restaurant-??? I don't know about you but if someone asks for a recommendation it's one or two places, not every single place to eat.

From this bullshit and moodiness I was feeling about the DVD play and loneliness from yesterday I just let her have it with everything that has been building up inside me.

I started with when I was pregnant and her planning to go to Disney World just 3 weeks before my due date.. and as it turned out I had Alexander early... just like I said to her when she started planning, but Disney World is her favorite place on earth and nothing else matters.

Also yelled at her that she paid for that whole trip for my brother and had the balls to send me pictures of what they were doing when I was laying in bed being uncared for and unfed by the roommate trying to recover from my hysterectomy.

I asked her how many times I took care of her when she has had surgery. Her answer was ALL OF THEM. When I asked her how many times she took care of me when I had surgery, her answer was NONE! - that's right because I DON'T FUCKEN COUNT!!!! 

What is wrong with a mother that she wouldn't take care of her child when she's sick? Only ONCE she took care of me when I was hurt and that was when I was 28yrs old. And even then she couldn't be bothered taking me to all my doctors, she had my father do it.

I let her have it for also not giving a shit about me or my new baby on Thanksgiving when I was desperately trying to get both the roommate and I down to the hospital to talk to the doctors about the diagnosis with Alexander, but she was going "OUT" and that was so much more important than the health of her new baby grandson.

And how she planned a trip to go away for Christmas and DIDN'T TELL ME! I found out when my aunt called to invite me for Christmas Eve dinner. That makes holiday #2 that she didn't give a shit about me or her new grandson.

I yelled at her for leaving me alone on Mother's day and making plans again with my brother and not including me.   Her reason for this was because I told her I didn't want to know what my brother was doing... she forgot one important thing. I don't want to know what he's doing in his BUSINESS! the one he fired me from and blames me for everything that went wrong because half the clients LEFT because they didn't want to deal with HIM when I wasn't there!

Then I let her have it for eating Easter dinner with me and then calling my brother to make plans to go to Disney World AGAIN from Oct 25 to Nov 3.. which means she's missing Alexanders 1st Halloween AND HIS BIRTHDAY!!!

Now all of the sudden she doesn't know if she can afford to go to Disney World again. She's staying with my vacation points, so she just has to get herself down there, get her park tickets and food. WTF ohh maybe she doesn't want to pay for my brother again. Who the hell knows.

I am so sick of her. Her big response was "I can never do anything right by you" NO YOU CAN'T!

I spent the rest of the day moody and kept to myself.. deeding May 22!! Not even my lemons made me smile.







Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 72 - Jimmy & Alisa's Wedding

My cousin's wedding was beautiful! I was looking forward to it all month because I was going ALONE!

What I didn't expect was for me to feel so shitty listening to the ceremony and hearing all the things that are WRONG with me and the roommate. I loved how the vows included Alisa's daughter Chloe.

During the vows the minister said "the partner of my soul" I really don't know if they repeated it or if he kept talking because that phrase was swarming around in my head. I'll have to go back and check my cousin's Christopher's video.

Here's a photo of the happy family, which is my favorite photo I've seen of the night.



Before I got myself too trashed I took a picture of how I looked in the bathroom at the Brownstone. I brought my little purple sweater with me wore it when I got a little cold. I am really happy I went with the black dress, I like how it looks on me. I hope I get to wear it again.. anyone having a party soon?



I only ate at the cocktail hour, I was full when the dinner was set up! The food was delicious. The beefsteak at The Brownstone is so yummy!! I loved the Italian tray and the seafood bar too. I just kept eating and eating at the cocktail hour, then continued drinking until I was louder than my normal loud mouth self....however it didn't help the lonely feeling I was trying to drown out, it made it worse. I really hate being in this relationship.



I got my drunk ass home via the saboteur, who couldn't be bothered to say I looked nice, but her eyes bugged out of her head when she saw me. Could be because she hated what I wore... which is what I'm leaning towards. I'm sure didn't like something.

This makes day 3 of not working out!

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 71 - Twiggy's BBQ

Twiggy's BBQ was fun fun fun fun.
This is what I wore, I think I look cute with my new shorts, shirt and pig tales.



I got there early to see if I could help with any last minute things. And I took photos of my two boys for Memorial Day cards.


I sat with her work friends and we talked and talked and laughed!! Mr. Grey came up.. that book seems to be every where. Also talked about working out and that Bitch Jillian Michaels.  

The roommate was suppose to be there but he got called into work. Amazing that when we have nothing to do, he doesn't have to work on Saturdays *rolls eyes*

Anthony played in the dirt all day and ran around like crazy. I think he had more fun when the other kids left, because all the adults were paying attention to him.


When it started getting dark they set up a camp fire. Then the roommate and saboteur got there. After a nice day without them, I had to deal with the two of them.




And what took place next was making steam come out of my ears until I finally lost it!

My brother, who can do no wrong, wants my moms old picnic table. The saboteur had the audacity to ask the roommate to use his work truck to bring my brother the table. The roommate starts saying how he'll need to borrow a different truck from work, the saboteur starts saying how it can just be dropped off at any time, until I finally told them both that my brother is a big boy if he wants the table rent a truck and get it.

This is wrong on so many levels!
1. why does everyone always have to help my brother?
2. how many times do I have to tell the saboteur I AM GETTING DIVORCED! She should not be asking him for any favors!
3. why does the roommate jump to help everyone else?
4. I am always invisible  around here and my feelings don't matter

We got home after 11pm and it took me and hour to scrub up my dirty boy Tony!



I got to bed around 3am!!!

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$