Oct 12

I did 10 minutes this morning. I'm running late to get a few errands I'm before going to the school.
I have a feeling I will be called into a meeting about cyber bullying so I need to hit the shower and go.

Oct 11th

OMG I did it. The whole work out! Jillian Michelles 30 day shred. It took me 5 weeks to build up to do it all. I'm so happy! Plus I have a little more support now encouraging me. It does make a difference.
Okay drink more water and stick to your meal plan! You got this.

Oct 10

Missed a couple of days because of soccer and general stuff! I was about to work out yesterday when I got a call from the nurse to pick up Alex. Luckily it wasn't anything serious.
I just did 10 minutes. I have to say, my arms are feeling stronger and I don't think they are as jiggly.
Little by little
Now time to hit the shower then work on cub scout stuff.

Oct 4

Great work out for me. I feel good. Feel like I can do this. I keep thinking about the Art Retreat I am going on in Jan. I don't want to be this horrible weight I am. I need to push. I can do this!
Drink more water!!!
Do it
Maria

Oct 3

I know if I want to change I have to work out. Fought with myself all day yesterday, didn't do it. Today I did. It's something but I know it's not enough. I need to do the shake diet again but we don't have the money.
So I need to just control myself and not eat. Why is that so hard?
I am trying to envision myself thinner. I know I can do it. It's just hard doing it alone. I want it, so I should do it!

Oct 1

Day 22...But is it really day 22? I missed two days of doing the work out. I walked both those days instead
I guess my definition of days is when I do a dvd the whole time. So technically I'm not even on day one because I still haven't made it to the end of the dvd. That didn't happen until I was working out for 3 months. So these days I'm looking to measure haven't started yet. I'm still in my warm up months and that's fine. I will get there slowly and surely.
I think I'll change the title from day 22 to Oct 1 and just use the dates until I get through the whole dvd.
I worked out late. We had a bad start to Monday. Anthony was late for the bus. It wasn't pretty. Tomorrow we will do better. The kids are almost home from school.
I need a shower and have to get Alex to soccer.
Maria

Day 20

Just barely got the warm up in, started doing push ups and started crying. I HATE MYSELF!  Why do you eat? ?? I really really hate myself.
I do not want to fat but Oh look cheez its!
I
Hate
Myself

Day 19

Yeah, So, I HATE working out still. Some mornings it takes a lot to convince myself to do it.
I know I'll see results
I know it takes time
But today I feel sad. I'm sad that I go to food when stressed. I'm sad that I carry all this weight around and look awful. I don't believe I'm pretty, I just see fat and ugly. I had a few fat dreams. I had pockets of fat on my thighs to my knees in the shape of marshmallows. So imagine big marshmallows glued to your legs but it's your flesh. I was trying to find a doctor to remove them but couldn't find anyone to help me.
Which brings up the question that was asked to me by my OSRS online friend "who's supporting you?" Just me alone with this blog. My support is in my head. I don't talk to anyone about my struggle. I yo-yo too much. I don't want to hear the negative comments "are you going to do it this time? " I just fight the fight alone.
See you on day 20
Maria

Day 18

Sweat is fat leaving my body! I just hot my workout in before getting Alex ready for school. I threw a load of laundry in already, that's ready to switch to the dryer soon.
I'm already killing this day!
Go me!

Day 17

I did about 15 minutes today. I'm sweaty and my abs hurt! Good they need to hurt.
I know weight doesn't come off quickly  but I hate the scale. It has me weighing more than I did when I started 16 days ago. I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day for this reason but it does help me say what did I eat and how can I get that number better.
I don't want to give up on myself I want to do this every day until it becomes who I am! The longest I have gone with working out is 22 days. I know I'll pass that this time, but I also know that 22 days in a row came with a prior 3 months of working out 3x a week.
Little steps to change my big fat life!
I also saw that my oldest has to do a daily exercise routine for 30 days to earn a Webelo badge. I will do that with him! GOALS!
See you tomorrow

Day 16

Holy moly, changing jumping Jacks for running in place is really effective and really hard. Also doing those push ups as best as I can in the correct place and DAMN I'm in pain. 10 minutes is hard!
Glad I got it in, it would be so easy not to. Busy day with back to school night.
Hitting the shower now, then heading to the schools.

Day 15

I did work out this morning. I don't know why I forgot to post, probably because I did 8 loads of laundry, worked on scout planning, HSA and SNAC.
For now I gave up on the jumping Jacks, I run in place instead and that's just as effective to get my heart rate up. Today my heart rate was the best after the 10 minutes.
I hear my knees cracking, my shoulder feels sore from push ups, but if I keep going I will look better and feel better.
My stomach is huge! I have to keep going.
Maria

Day 13 and 14

Yesterday we went to the Ren Fair. I don't think I did enough of walking to equal my 10 minutes of exercise I've been doing however I learned I'm doing push ups wrong. My arms are placed too far in front of me. So all that happiness of feeling I was doing more push up was shattered.
This morning's work out I placed my hands in the correct position and holy shit it hurt! I barely was able to push myself up. I'm going to try harder each day.
Time for a shower and get ready for my busy Sunday. Ccd, homework birthday party.
Maria

Day 12

I jogged in place instead of jumping jakes. I hate those things, I know it gets your heart rate higher but I hate them. 
I feel a difference in my arms today. It's getting easier to do push ups. I can do about 5 easily then I feel the burn. Last week it was a struggle to do 1 without burning.
Little things like that keep me going.
Tonight is the scout blue and gold dinner. Time for me to hit the shower and get there to set up.
Tomorrow Ren fair. I'm not sure if I'm counting the walking as my work out or if I will try to do it in the morning. Guess it depends on how late we are out tonight.
Maria

Day 11

I very reluctantly did a work out. I think it was 5 minutes. I just didn't want too. I'm tired today. I didn't even do laundry. I just want to go to bed.
Jumping Jacks SUCK! My boobs are bouncing all over the place, they fall out of my bra, the straps fall down, it's just boobage every where. I haven't found a bra yet that can control these suckers with any exercise.
Now I have to force myself out the door for errands.

Day 10

I did it. Day 10. 10 minutes. I am not ready for more. Jumping Jacks kill me. Slow and steady. Keep going!
I did laundry already this morning, going to jump in the shower then go gave a meeting of the S.M.C.
See you on day 11

Day 9

Day 9! Did it. I didn't push myself as hard but I got further along in the circuits.
I am listening to my body tell me when to push so I don't give up.
In surprising news the first thing my husband said to me when he got in last night was "did you work out today?"
He doesn't normally pay attention to me. I'm shocked that he asked.
See you on day 10
Maria

Day 8

Oh my goodness I couldn't push myself as far as I did yesterday. But I did a good 10 minutes. 50 jumping jacks, crunches, reverse crunches - Damm those hurt!
My official weigh in is down 2lbs.
I have flyers to make and need to color my hair today.
See you day 9
Xoxo
Maria

Day 7

Oh Yeah Day 7
I did so much today.  Took the kids to CCD, a few errands, then home. Where I cooked sliders, stuffed peppers, sausage, sloppy joes and roasted potatoes all for the busy week ahead of activities. I washed the dishes, clothes, folder and got them away (which is a feat in itself) cleaned off the counter, got Anthony's homework done, showered the kids and managed to get the work out in!
I even made it to the circuit I did on Friday. My plan is to push for one more tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
I really  can't wait for bed!
Maria

Day 6

I did about 5 minutes just now. My knees are really hurting. I slept late with Alex, then Anthony came home from his Camp-In, soccer game, birthday party... just busy.
I thought I could push myself as far as yesterday but I couldn't. I am just pleased that I was determined to try and that I didn't skip it.
Tomorrow is another day. Almost bed time now.
Maria

Day 5 - repeat day 4

I did the same number of circuits today as yesterday. My knees really hurt yesterday and this morning. I must be leasing the wrong way on something. So today's 10 minutes hurt more than yesterday's.
Little by little I will get there.
My goal is to continue this number of circuits for the weekend then push for one more circuit Monday morning.

Day 4 - one more circuit

1 more circuit was my mantra for today. Just 1 more, 1 more and I did that one more.
My goal is to build myself up not break myself down. A little each day goes a long way with my self determination.
I already feel the difference in my stomach and it's only been 4 days.
I'm watching what I eat but really not on a 'diet' yet. I have a love hate relationship with food. I don't know what I should eat for each meal. I'm monitoring my bread, eating protein.
I still have room to add more water!  I know that's huge!
But again I am happy with myself!
Time to hit the showers
Maria

Yesterday and today

I forgot to post that I worked out yesterday.
I just did 10 minutes of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. I am not pushing myself too hard because I will burn out. I did one more circuit than yesterday and today I didn't use all the weights with all the circuits, again so I don't burn out and quit.
I want a nice steady build up. I want to get stronger and I want to look back and remember how hard it was but I did it. Change doesn't happen overnight. You gotta work at it.
I'm happy with myself today.

Worked out

I did a few minutes a work out. I have work out on my schedule every day this week when the kids go to school.
Building myself back up.

10 minutes

I did another 10 min work out. Got my heart beat up there. I am reminding myself that I'm worth it. This is my 3rd work out this week. I did one yesterday just forgot to post.
Mission rest of the day. Drink water!

Two words

Two words just lifted my mind and soul from the darkness. Those two words where so powerful to me that my first thought was "I can take care of me!" And with that I did a workout. It wasn't a big work out. 10 minutes. I'm happy with my 10 minutes. I'm happy with myself.
I can do this. I am
NOT going to dwell in the
GUILTY darkness of the black hole
Maria

I kept the tiny humans alive

I am just trying to get through each day. Some days I feel how sad I am the minute I wake up. I have a lot of thoughts in my head. I'm snapping pretty quickly especially at those who add to my mad/sad in other words, my mother and Ed.
And when Ed is the better of the two I know how bad my depression is.
I managed to get everyone started on cleaning the boys room today. We did 3 loads of laundry and I cooked twice today. Pretty amazing considering my main goal today was to get back in bed.
Being this depressed is pretty fucking awful.
Xoxo
Me

Today

Today my mission is to just drink a lot of water. That's it, no pressure. Just drink more water. It's a busy busy day running the boys to and from, summer school, swim lessons, eye doctor, soccer and scouts!
I'm washing clothes right now, playing runescape and watching Iliza on Netflix. She makes me laugh and I need more laugher!
Ready set...water. I will check in with you later and when I say you, I mean thinner me, not anyone who stumbled across my big fat ass.
Xoxo
Maria

I'm lazy

I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, make anything. It's a real struggle to get out of bed.
All I want to do is sleep.
I'm so broke, I don't know how to fix myself

Angry

I have moments where I'm "I can do this, I can handle this, snap out of it" which then after followed by tears over nothing!
I feel like I am secretly grieving my father. God forbid I tell anyone I am upset. They would say "why do you miss that man?" "He wasn't around, he wasn't there for you"
I feel bad. I feel bad nobody cared about him. I feel bad at the choices he mad in his life that made people hate him. I'm so angry! I'm so angry!
I'm angry at everything and everyone.

Another bad day

I am angry and sad. I'm fairly certain I could be happy never leaving the house again.
I just keep on faking it every day. It was so bad today I asked my 10 year old for help. They wanted to go swimming I really didn't want to go outside. I told him to help me because I couldn't get moving.
I don't want to burden him with explaining his mother is a fat piece of shit low life who can't handle a thing.
I'm watching my youngest warm up a hot dog for lunch because I feel like crying.
My fountain is broken. That's how I think about my life. I don't value myself because I wasn't valued as a kid. Sure I do things now but nothing makes me happy. Nothing, not even my kids. I wanted them so badly now I'm afraid I am fucking them up. I fake it as best as I can every day to keep them going.
I'm so angry at my father for giving up and screwing up his life. He always thought he could get away with whatever wrong he did. Whatever the fuck he did this last time is the reason he just gave up on his life. Refusing treatment is suicide. My father committed suicide. Am I the only one who sees this? I didn't go see him. I was angry he was addicted to the pills. Another thing nobody else saw. I'm angry he fell for that scam on the dating site. I'm angry he didn't get to spend more time with his grandkids.
I'm just angry.

My life sucks

Depression.... it's killing me. A slow painful, all consuming, worthlessness, self loathing, every day feeling.
I'm just waiting to die.
I won't kill myself because what it would do to my kids. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't be here.
I'm lonely so lonely but hate myself so I don't do anything to change.
The smallest of things sets me off into the out of control spiral. The bigger things keep me in this black hole where I have spent most of my life feeling useless and unwanted.
I married the wrong person, because I viewed myself as worthless and this was the best I would ever do. I did that TWICE!  If my first husband didn't leave me I would still be on that first marriage. I'm too weak to leave this husband and have no idea how to take care of myself. I'm good at pretending.
I'm so worthless to the person I married that he feels he can blame me and yell at me because he broke something shortly after I called him.
It's my fault because it was a pointless conversation to him.
I can't make up my mind, I can't make decisions. I'm hurting over the smallest of things. I called to tell him the play day got changed and I wasn't sure what time he was working until and if we should do anything when he got home.
I can't make decisions. I'm  hurting. He is the one who can see I'm falling apart but I'm not important enough for him to care about me. Of course I'm not important enough we haven't lived like husband and wife in 6 years. I'm his roommate that has to feed him.
I called him.
I asked him something unimportant.
He broke something after we hung up.
It's my fault.
Where I realized it's not my fault, I wasn't there. I didn't anger him. We didn't fight. It was a short conversation.
I'm not allowed to call him anymore.
I am so unimportant, do worthless I can't call him anymore!
Would he have broken whatever it was without me calling? I don't know. He said he dropped it after I called. He wouldn't have had the phone in his hand I guess.
I'm worthless.
I'm nothing.
I don't have it in me to do anything to help myself including working out.
My current mission each day is to as little as possible, stay home and not talk to people. I'm killing it!

6/100

I worked on a large clay order today...all day. Lightbulbs. I didn't work out. I know better, it has to be first thing. So now I'm beating myself up with a promise of first thing tomorrow.

5/100

I knew if I didn't get my workout in thus morning it wouldn't happen. I had Anthony downstairs waiting for the bus and I started.
Now time for a shower and to get Alexander to school. I'm volunteering all day at the school, then tonight is a fundraiser at Memorial School with Concetta.
Time to hit the shower

4/100

Screw you day 4. Got a late start. I like to get the workout done ASAP but we missed the bus so I had to drive Anthony to school. Then get back to get Alexander ready for school. I didn't have the motivation to workout after getting him on the bus. In fact I wanted to nap. I forced myself to do 10 minutes of 30 day shred. I like this one better than no more trouble zones so I think I'll work on this one for a while until I build up.
I do like feeling my muscle being sore! And I like the fact that I'm doing this for me and didn't tell a single sole I was trying again.
I do know the more you doing something it becomes part of your routine. I quit smoking. I remember when I stopped taking sugar on my coffee, it was hard to get used to but now if there's sugar I can't drink it. I would love for my eating habits and workouts to become routine. That would be fabulous.
Maria

3/100

Yes yes yes go me! I am incredibly proud of myself. I am already FEELING better. I'm keeping a written journal as well as blogging. Blogging is a big key to my success and I know that.
Today I have my to do list. I have my shakes, I'm ready. Oh I'm doing slim fast but following the program the way I did with Dr. Ransom 5 years ago. 4 shakes and one protein bar. Yesterday I had some meatballs. I wrote it down in my paper journal.
Today I am working on increasing my water. I still haven't gotten up to 8 glasses a day. I used to drink 16!
Okay go me! Love you! You're awesome and don't need anyone to validate that.
Xoxo
Maria

2/100

I'm so proud of myself. I did GREAT the rest of the day yesterday. I stuck to the meal plan that I know works for me when I exercise. I need to increase my water. I didn't have enough yesterday so I will push harder today.
I also worked on cleaning out my room. Every thing takes time. A little at a time so I don't get fed up.
I made my to do list in my journal this morning, started on it before the boys went to school. Got Alexander to the bus stop and came home to do my little work out. Yippee for me!

Okay I'm here

It's 100 days until the first day of school, so a perfect day to get myself up and going.
I did a mini work out this morning. I will build myself up.
I feel confident. I feel motivated. And I don't want to be in these fat pants! So it's time to move. Even my dreams are telling me so.

2018

In my head I'm hearing the theme from Doogie Howser as I write this. This blog has been my go to place for my quest to find myself and fix my life.
I can measure my success by how often I blogged. I always do better with everything when I come here and post my blah blah blah. Even if nobody is reading.

The start of a new year always brings me hope. I still have so much hanging over my head from last year.  But I can't control any of that, I can only control how I react to it. Stress Eating has caused me to gain 19 pounds. NO NO NO NO NO! I can't do this.

I didn't work out today, there is no place to work out at the moment, but the kids and I did 10 jumping jakes and a couple push ups. I drank water and stuck to my meal plan. I'm not sure if I am hungry or just bored.

My parents -
My mom is having knee surgery in 2 weeks. I'll be on call to help her with whatever she needs. Today we all helped her declutter.. no more like move her clutter from one room to another so she can get around when she has therapy at home.
My father isn't well and refuses to go to the hospital. There's not much I can do not living in the same state as him. I hope he goes but he's so grumpy and mad that he is alone. He yells all the time. I have to shake it off or it will consume me. The thougths of being worthless and no good according to him have made me eat myself into a rolly polly.


The kids start school tomorrow, I'm looking forward to the day alone. I am working on finishing up the yearbook for one of the schools and I promise to clean one thing a day. Today's "cleaning time" went to my mother.


Time for me to go, the Monkey's ass is out of control. Anthony didn't have his pill today and has been very difficult to handle. The boys need a shower and a book.

xoxox
Maria