Haven't I been fighting the hoarding for over 8 years now? Haven't I been working on losing weight for 8 years now? I get so angry at myself that I am not in a better place, but now I'm trying to work on that voice that puts me down. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. That voice that tells me I'm no good. I hate that voice. I have listened to that voice for my whole life.
I need to get better. I need to clear my head, body, and mind. I need to do this. I want to do this. I have to make every day a work in progress and not get mad that I am not there.
Fighting with the Head of the Hoarding in our house gets me nowhere. I am so angry at him! The amount of stuff he values shocks me. He hides it. He goes through things I have thrown out to see what is in there to see if it's "still good" then hides. He had two barrels full of junk I threw away over a month ago, hiding in the back yard, then was going through the stuff I threw out this week. He would NOT stop!
I was outside fighting with him and it was somehow my fault! I'm the ass that was making a scene. I didn't want him to go through every little thing I threw away and keep it! How dare I do that! How dare I get ride of things that were taking up space. How dare I clean the house for OUR sons! That's right I made a scene, let me take my curtain call for standing up to him.
All this was going on while I was supposed to be on a zoom class I paid for. He purposely did it at that time because he didn't think I would leave the zoom class, he was wrong. I knew what he was doing. So I left the meeting to go after him.
The fighting continued once we were inside. He tried to justify everything he keeps. Let me try to paint you a picture (ha funny because I could really paint it) I will clean out a cabinet. I might pull out 4 towels that are mismatched or have holes. I will put them in a bag for the Good Will. He will look in that bag, take out the towels "because they are still good" and HIDE THEM in the living room, which he took over as a bedroom, hoarder room. There is stuff FLOOR TO CEILING. I am not lying! He has a big shelf in there that was from his storage unit it's on the far wall. It is packed with boxes and bags. I can't even get to it, because in front of it are more boxes, bags and things piled on top of all of that. There is actually a love seat in there, but you can't even see it because of the amount of stuff on top of it. There is an entertainment center, can't see that either because of everything in front of it. There is just a path, that my fat ass has to walk sideways, and I slowly move my feet because I might hit something and an avalanche might happen.
I know it's unsafe. I know we shouldn't live like this. I know it has to be cleaned out. I am doing my best every single day. A lot of the stuff I can't throw out, it's big took stuff. I don't know what to do with it. We have no storage. He has to take it somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it can't be here.
I started moving his clothes out and putting it in the boys old room. I moved some of his books. It looks like I did NOTHING! The boys and I carried out 5 bags of things to throw away and 4 to go to the Good Will and it doesn't look like we did ANYTHING.
That is what beats me down. That is what makes me cry. I'm fighting all alone here. But I am fighting. I have to clean this up or my kids will face the same life of loving crap over people.
7pm tonight I walk. Maybe I'll see my art friends on Zoom. This helps my metal health. In the mean time, I clean.
