I am living in a toxic world. I suffer from depression, anxiety, fear, stress.. the fucking pressure!
I made so many mistakes, the biggest one not being able to support myself. I believed this bullshit that was taught to me that you get married and your husband supports you and you have a partner for life.
BULLSHIT We should be teaching little girls to grow, be strong, taking care of yourself.
here I am TRAPPED at almost 53 years old. I have ZERO respect in my house. Everyone just things I am there to be at their beckon call. And nobody does anything for me unless I'm breaking down!
Yesterday (2-22-22) I would push myself to create the life I want and CREATE something every day. List it on my site, post it on Instagram and Tik Tok. Hoping to build up a following and find people who like my stuff and buy it. So I worked...
I felt AMAZING yesterday doing clay. I really did I mean look at this guy, he's so cute. I made 4 of them.
I started dinner for my crew at 3:30 by 4pm I was out the door to pick up my oldest. Him and his GF got me coffee I thought that was so sweet. We went to the library where they had to film something, but we couldn't get it done because it was too noisy. I am hoping to get it done tomorrow.
I called home to tell the Idiot I married that I had something else to go in the oven. I told him to take the clay out of the oven, put it on my desk, then put the other dish in to bake. That was about 4:30pm. It should have only taken 15 minutes to melt.
I got home after 5, the dish was still in the oven and the edges were burnt. OF COURSE he fucking forgot.
I started putting all the food into containers, washed all the pots and dishes in the sink. I was proud of myself for getting the clay done. Proud I stuck to my meal plan. I took some time to relax from the day and then went to bed.
This morning, I woke up later than normal. 6am instead of 5am. I went into the kitchen, there were a ton of dishes in the sink. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHY CAN'T ANYONE WASH A DISH?
So of course I am angry. I am this family's slave. Nobody cares if I want to do something. And what I want to do for myself (have a business) isn't important to anyone. I'm home all day why can't I wash the dishes.
The kids got ready and on the bus. I was deciding if I was going to do another gnome or candles. I wanted to do a gnome, but I had a meeting at 2pm for my son's IEP. Then I got a text that the meeting was postponed. Then I got a text from my son that he forgot his trumpet. After my 2nd son left I drove to school to bring the trumpet. I called his gf to come out of school to get it because I had beat the bus there.
I also emailed my other son's teacher to tell him he had a bad cough from his asthma. I got a message to send information to remind the students of an event next week. I decided to make a cup of coffee before I got to work on the emails. I made the coffee, went to the refrigerator to get the half and half BOOMMMMMM a million things came off the top of the refrigerator, hitting me in the head, broken glass and dirt everywhere. I didn't even understand what happened.
The stupid ass I am stuck with, puts all kinds of shit on top of the refrigerator but I'm so short I can't see up there. He took a hanging plant down and put it up there too along with loose light bulbs, WHO DOES THAT?
I was livid. It's so bad in our house with his hoarding that's why I want out of this marriage. Now I'm getting attacked by shit. I called him and I don't even know what I said. He came home. I told him to get the fuck away from me. He left.
I cleaned up the bullshit, got my coffee and then spent the morning working on that stuff for the school. I was able to stop at 10am which was amazing because school volunteer stuff can suck up all day! I even made the next flyer for a fund raiser.
Then I went to work on day 2 of my art. I got the Full Moon Candles
At 12:30pm I got a call from the school to go pick up my younger son. I knew it. I got him, took the opportunity to drop off the paper and flyer for the fundraiser, ordered him soup, picked that up and got him home. He just got in bed after he had his soup and left me alone.
I finished the candles and started the New Moon. I was watching the clock because I knew I had to pick up my oldest from school at 4 with his gf. They would do our Morning Announcement for me so I would get that out of the way. I also had to edit their school announcement for tomorrow. I stopped working on the candles at 3pm and got to work on what I do every week for my son.
I fought with the printer to get copies printed so I could make sure his gf had her copy when I picked them up. I went running down the stairs to leave at 4pm I was late, and I forgot my sweatshirt. I ran back up stairs, got it and saw my mother getting her mail... she got HER MAIL, not ours, just hers. Then went into her house. OKAY BOOMER I won't bring your fucking mail in anymore. In the care by 4:07pm on my way to school.
Got to school I texted them both that I was sitting out front. waiting.. waiting.. waiting... at 4:15 my son calls me to tell me he's not here. Okay I figured they walked to Dunkin. NOPE he tells me they didn't stay after school for the Academy classes because his GF forgot her daily permission slip. I don't know what they did, but he was ALMOST HOME because they walked.
I don't care that he was with her. I wouldn't have minded that they went to get pizza or dunkin, they have done that before. But neither one called me to tell me they didn't stay and they didn't call me to tell me not to go get them.
I AM LIVID! nobody gives a fucking ass about my time or what I have to do. Nobody thinks they should inform me of their changes and its okay to just waste my fucking time.
His stupid ass told me he was almost home. I drove back home, parked, went upstairs and then I hear him knocking at the door. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE HOUSE ALREADY. I told him to go to the back that was open and to get the fuck away from me.
The asshole I married came home, he at least is going to do to cub scouts tonight to help the kids that need help with their pinewood derby cars, even though our son isn't going.
The other child.. I don't know what he's doing. I don't give a crap and he better stay away from me.
I came here to blog instead of binge eating
