Brother Day

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I had a 60/40 day today.  60% enjoyed myself but when that 40% of sadness hit, it hit hard.

We took the boys on a train ride to celebrate "brother day". Today was one year that I brought my baby home from the NICU.

My older son had a great time and didn't want to leave. He wants to go back TOMORROW. We had to drag him out of there after 3 hours. The train ride was only 45 minutes long. He wanted to look at the little trains some more, I guess 2 hours of doing that wasn't enough.



I was very sad on the way there. I received a phone call about an issue with one of the boys. After the phone call I didn't feel like sharing the news with the roommate, and he didn't even ask. If I over heard my part of the conversation I would have asked. Heck any of my friends would have asked.

I needed to remind him to stay calm with Anthony several times. By the end of the day when he was losing his patience over stuff, I was losing mine at him!

At dinner I had NOTHING to talk to him about. I sat there taking care of the needs of both kids. Watched Anthony play with his trucks while waiting for his meal, tended to Alexanders little cries. Not once did we look at each other and have anything to say that didn't have to do with the kids. I couldn't even think of a topic to talk about. Anytime we talk about anything we end up fighting. I guess I have just learned to not talk to him.

Case in point, on the way home I told him to go to the corner down the street from my aunt's house to get gas because gasbuddy said it was the cheapest. He's with me for 10 years, has driven to my aunts countless times, but tonight had no idea where he was going. When we finally got to the corner and I pointed to the gas station that we go to a lot, he says 'why didn't you just say the one down the street from the Mall'.

OMG I wanted to scream. This station is walking distance from my Aunt's house yet he wanted me to use a landmark another mile or so away. He finally said he didn't know it was a Delta. Okay so you didn't know it was a Delta, big deal did you forget where my aunt lives?

Then something similar happened in our driveway when I asked about something with the van. I finally just said "Nevermind I don't want to talk"

I spent the rest of the evening putting clothes away and cleaning up around the pig pen. I'm not 100% sure what he did besides 1 load of laundry. I asked him several times to help me clean up in the dining room, I really don't know what he did. I put away most of the stuff.

Anyway, it's stuff like this that makes me miss.. well you know.. the crazy person who just stops talking to me. I am having a hard time letting go, because I want to believe we can work this out. So what did I go and do? I called Captain Moody Pants at work. HA got you now. Can't ignore a work call. I simply said "either block me on facebook or talk to me" I got "okay"

GREAT!! WTF does Okay mean? so far I'm not blocked, but I'm not that hopeful anymore. I want to be, but I'm not. I am telling myself I have to move on, but my stubborn side is digging in her heals, screaming "you won't take me alive"

I need this to have an ending one way or another. Either cut me out of your life totally or talk to me. Living in-between drives me insane.  I have 3 people who know what's going on. They are all sweet, I know they want me to forget about it and move on, but they still listen to me when I'm upset over Captain Moody Pants.

I'm going to bed. I would like to believe I could get a work out in tomorrow, but HA my to do list is a mile long. It would be nice though.

Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

Looking forward to the new year

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I have been struggling emotionally the last few months. I am not focused on anything. Most days I'm sad. I'm not making time to work out. I'm making very little time for myself. Since the end of August I have been suffering from the worst case of brooksitis I have ever had in my entire life. It has resulted in lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Not even a time machine can fix it this time.

I am going to work on small steps to change a lot of things next year. It's going to take a lot of planning and I'm not that good with planning but things need to change and I have to do the changing.

Today I finally made time to pick out frames!! I had my eyes checked in Aug and never made time to go pick out frames. Here they are


I treated myself to a new hat too
I am very proud of myself with how far I have come in a year. I know I can do this, I know I can be a better mom. I know I can get organized in my house. I know I can lose weight.

Last year  this time I couldn't wait until 2012, I feel the same way about 2013. I'm ready. I need another fresh start.

sometimes it's hour by hour

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Stalker people I'm not a doctor nor nutritionist. I had to learn why I struggle and why I eat. You need to figure this out on your own. Reading my blog is not going to make you lose one pound never mind 60 pounds. Get off your ass and walk around the damn block, stop drinking soda and eat less.
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I'm having a really shitty night. I worked out today, I ate correctly, I didn't shove food in my face. But I just don't understand what is so wrong with me, what I need to fix in order to be worth it for ANYONE!

What the hell is so wrong with me?

Why does the roommate value things over people?
Why isn't my BFF talking to me?
How can Disney world be more important than your grandson? He might not know you'll be missing his first birthday but I will.

I trying to find my value. I keep pushing through every day. I want to SCREAM that I'm scared I won't have enough money to get formula before we run out... then I feel like a loser because I charged things I shouldn't have and the only person that's hurting and worried is ME!!! 

Then that brings me right back to why isn't BFF talking to me and can't they see how much I have done for them? I'm really not worth their time??

Why won't the roommate ask his brother to list the baby cloths on ebay to help make extra money? Or why doesn't he sell some of his shit so we don't have to pay for that storage unit that is costing almost more than our rent!

Why the hell does the grandmother want to spend 300+ on tickets for a show to take Anthony but doesn't offer to pay for 1 payment of his vision therapy.. or better yet.. never ever paid to be listed on our family talk plan!

So here.. here's my stupid before and after pictures that I worked out.. big friggen deal. It doesn't even matter, fat or not I'm still invisible and worthless. And if ANYONE tells me I'm not you're lying!

If your parents don't think you have worth and if the guys you have fallen in love with don't find value in you to work things out.. you are worthless! A wrench has more value in this house than I do.

And every single day my friend of almost 30 years won't talk to me, it kills all the positive things they were saying that I was starting to believe... but that had to be a lie, because I'm not even worth a text back!


I even hate this blog tonight. I hate the colors. I hate lemons!

Stalkers Kym and Cameron

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Kym and Cameron if you want to lose 60lbs then GET UP OFF YOUR ASS find a diet and work out!!!!
Or better yet go to the doctor I go to and write your own blog about your own fat ass!

I'm not a doctor or nutritionist. My fight with food is about my life and why I eat and how to control that and my diet. You're not supporting me, you're not a friend, you weren't even in my thoughts except when I discovered one or both of you started coming to my blog and couldn't figure out WHY.

You blocked me ASAP when I came back to Facebook... so block me again and go the hell away. And let me remind you that your RUDENESS towards me when I was pregnant is the reason we aren't talking.

Your IP address still shows up, so you're not fooling ANYONE with your comment from  "Anonymous"

I will continue to leave you personal "inspiring" GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND WORK OUT messages every single day so that's the FIRST thing you see when you come here to spy on my life.



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And for those who missed it one of my stalkers left a comment 
I'm in NO MOOD for these people. 
 I even just made a label called Stalkers Kym & Cameron so I can keep track of how many times they show up on my blog.

The silver lining????

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Kym and/or Cameron I would like to know why you have me blocked on Facebook, we haven't spoke in a year, yet you're stalking my blog. Do you want to know about the baby neither of you could be bothered congratulating me on???  Does it give you pleasure to see my life falling apart? Or is it that you're jealous that I have lost weight?
Whatever your reason I think the saying goes "You either want to me be or do me"
 Enjoy reading my drama..I'll make sure to leave you notes every day until your IP address and your town stop shopping up that visit.. how do I know? Because one of you had the balls to sign up to get my posts via email, which showed your info! 

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I'm trying to recover from yesterday. It was really hard on me. My cousin Chris posted today that we need to look for the silver lining today in his post on Facebook.

I see the lining from the events of Sept 1, I'm getting help I need with the kids.

But could someone please tell me the silver lining with the one who is shutting me out? With all the damn chaos going on that is on my mind 24/7. When some people get mad at me and we stop talking I could care less, but this one really hurts. I don't want this friendship to be over.

Anyway.....Anthony off to school


Alexander after some therapy

Got him down for a nap and did a workout. My thighs and shoulders are burning. I must switch DVDs next work out.

I had 40 minutes after my work out before Anthony came home, so I CRIED!! I cried and cried and cried and I still feel like crying. This worthless feeling just doesn't go away. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why those I love don't love me back. I want to know how to fix myself and love myself. Why do I choose the wrong men? Will I be able to teach my boys to be more understanding towards woman. How am I going to keep going when I feel so bad inside.

I keep telling myself I'm worth it, I keep telling myself I can fight. Right now I feel lied too. I thought someone had my back. I thought they understood. I needed that extra support because when I don't believe in myself, they believed in me. My cell phone still hasn't sent the text I wish it would. It must be broken. Nobody could be that cruel to ignore every idea I suggested for our stupid stupid problems. I need to know what the silver lining is with ending an almost 30 year friendship!!! What am I suppose to learn that I haven't learned yet?

I'm going to fold clothes and try to get them away, make a shopping list and my to do list for tomorrow, because that's all I'm good for according to the roommate.

I have my weigh in tomorrow and it's going to be the same as last week. When I'm stressed and upset like this, my body doesn't change. I did cheat over the weekend but nothing so bad that the scale shouldn't move however it hasn't.

It all started....

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I had one of those nights where I tossed and turned. Besides my normal drama things aren't right with another person. I really want to work out the stupid issues but all I'm getting is the silent treatment. 

I also was up, worried I might have crossed a line and offended another friend, but thankfully all is good there. And even thou that was on my mind all night, what did I go and do? Crossed the damn line again this morning UGH!! But I'm glad I was put in my place!!

Alexander was up early, fed him and he started yawning again. I knew I'd be able to get another hour of sleep and that's what I did.

Mornings are hard keeping Anthony on focus, getting him fed and dressed. He has to go "check on his trucks" before he brushes his teeth or gets dressed. He was VERY SLOW this morning. I was trying to get him ready as well as get Alex another bottle and everything ready for me to leave the minute the bus came.

Anthony went to get his clothes out of the dresser (but I had them on the bench for him) and BAM. I go running to find a drawer on the floor broke, clothes every place. These pictures were taken tonight, because I didn't have time to do it when it happened.


NEXT...
Anthony was sitting in the living room drinking his chocolate milk, when all of the sudden it spilled every where! In hindsight I am glad he wasn't dressed because I would have to change his clothes. I couldn't even wipe him up he had to go into the shower. It was 12:15pm the bus comes at 12:30pm. I'm not dressed, Alexander isn't dressed or fed, and I'm giving Anthony a shower worried that we'd miss the bus.

Fifteen minutes later, he's cleaned, dressed and sporting his pirate stuff for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Off to school he went but I still wasn't ready and Alexander missed his lunch. Which meant I couldn't go to Costco before the doctor's to make the return, I had to do it after.  Twenty minutes later I'm in the van with my little pirate #2 off to his check up.


Talking... more doctors.. more specialist.. a bigger to do list for me and before I know it, it's 2:50pm

At 3pm I'm in Costco making my return. I'm tapping my foot, hoping I get out of there to get home to meet Anthony on the bus. The line took longer than my return, then I raced in the store to get milk and paper plates pushing Alexander in the stroller.

 I was doing a jog and thought to myself I wouldn't have been able to do this 65lbs ago!

I paid, was leaving and the MILK WAS LEAKING!! The lady at the check out said she'd have someone get me a new one, but it was 3:14pm I didn't have the time. I RAN back to the milk got a new one and RAN out of the store pushing a sleeping little pirate boy.

You know how it is when you're late, you hit every red light. As the minutes were ticking down I was totally freaking that they would pull away with him.  I reached into my pocket to put my bluetooth on, just in case they called and SNAP... broke the part that goes over the ear.

I got home with less than a minute to spare because I was speeding. I thought if a cop came after me I was just going to drive home and let him give me the ticket I couldn't pay for in front of my house so I wouldn't miss Anthony. But I got home safely!!!Alexander was sleeping by this point.

When Anthony comes home from school I make him change his clothes because they have a dress code at school and I don't want the school clothes ruined. I sat down with my cold water, checked Facebook (like it's a newspaper) and I hear "Mom, oh Mom" and this is what I find.

I do not know how I stayed calm. I do not know how I didn't kill him. He knew exactly what he was doing. Then he tells me "I'm shaving just like Dad" and my heart sank. He wants the roommate's attention so badly!

To stay calm I posted all these photos on Facebook. They finish uploading and another "Mom" from Anthony. I look and see the tape measure which he got yelled at by the roommate for playing with last night, caught in the tire of his toy truck.



I can't believe this day! I got the tape measure unstuck or that would have been another nightmare with the roommate. I made Anthony put all his school clothes in a basket and got him in the bath.

As I'm cleaning up the bathroom I find my new bottle of mouth wash on the floor almost empty. He knocked that over and I guess I didn't close the top on tight enough. This is all that's left.


I give him a bath and make him come down stairs to do the laundry with me since he made the mess. Got back upstairs by 5pm to hear Alexander crying and waking up from his nap. I quick got Anthony's left overs from last night warmed up, made him sit and eat, made a bottle and started feeding Alexander.

When I heard the backup beep beep beep sounds of the roommate's truck at 5:30.. UGH I was scared. I didn't know what he would do tonight. Less than 20 minutes later I'm yelling my standard "Just SHUT UP" to him because he's mouthing off to Anthony. 

I washed a few dishes, changed the laundry, text my cousin, shook my phone a few times hoping a text message from the one who's giving me the silent treatment would come in.. but no such luck.

7pm I wiped away my tears, got my sneakers on and was working out.. F*&$THE WORLD!!!
Before

After

Showered, Facebooked, Texted, got the kids to bed and started blogging.

I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I don't think most people believe how crazy my days are. I certainly don't think the "Silent One" understands at all!!!

I hope I sleep tonight.

I worked out

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If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all.. so all I'm posting today is I worked out!


Before


Sweating like a pig

Today will lead me to better things

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Most of the day I had a feeling of dread.  As I went about my day I made phone calls to help me with the drama of my life. Then I had the meeting I was dreading. After which I made more phone calls. Today was a giant step in a positive direction.

fighting for my life

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This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.

FAIL!

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I lost 1 pound this week. It's better than I did all month, but I know it's not my best. Yeah I'm mad. I'm so mad at myself right now.

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I really tried to focus on improving my life by working on how I could earn a living. Total FAILURE today!! My eyes hurt, my "itis" is acting up. Well it's really, lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy... don't know what I'm saying, then google it!

I resigned from NDIS.com I'm just not even making time to create kits or anything. I've been thinking about it for a while but wanted to talk to out with someone... I just seem to talk to myself these days about anything that's on my mind. So I made the decision to step down because I seem to drag my feet with everything, one less thing to drag my feet on the better.

I spent the rest of the day working on pricing for my photo cards, asking my friends if I could use the cards I've made for them in advertising. Then I spent time working on my Facebook page, trying to add a new tab with a special offer.

After hours of reading and trying it hit me, I have no place to sell my cards! Total fucken failure!! 

So I zipped the one mat I won Honorable Mention with Pastimes and sent it over to Inked Playmats to be put on their site.

And here I sit at 11:15pm pissed off that I focused on "work" got nothing done. Didn't work out, stuffed my face with almonds...yeah I know it could be worse.

I'm going to work out tomorrow first thing. Then I'll work on this "show the world you have a pair of balls" thing I'm suppose to be doing and try to tell myself I'm not the loser I believe I really am. 

my scale is a time machine!

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This morning my scale displayed a number I haven't seen since my senior year in high school! wwooo hooo it's like I'm back in time.

And just like my senior year I was reminded today by someone just how much of a failure I am. I can hear the words of my old man "you'll never be more than a donut maker"

So as I struggle to clean up the house in time for Alexander's therapy appointment, do a balancing act with trying to teach Anthony daddy's collectables are not toys, figure out what I'm going to feed everyone for dinner and hope there's time left over for me to get a work out in, I have to fight off the feelings of the loser that I am and how I disappoint everyone including myself.