FAIL!

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I lost 1 pound this week. It's better than I did all month, but I know it's not my best. Yeah I'm mad. I'm so mad at myself right now.

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I really tried to focus on improving my life by working on how I could earn a living. Total FAILURE today!! My eyes hurt, my "itis" is acting up. Well it's really, lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy... don't know what I'm saying, then google it!

I resigned from NDIS.com I'm just not even making time to create kits or anything. I've been thinking about it for a while but wanted to talk to out with someone... I just seem to talk to myself these days about anything that's on my mind. So I made the decision to step down because I seem to drag my feet with everything, one less thing to drag my feet on the better.

I spent the rest of the day working on pricing for my photo cards, asking my friends if I could use the cards I've made for them in advertising. Then I spent time working on my Facebook page, trying to add a new tab with a special offer.

After hours of reading and trying it hit me, I have no place to sell my cards! Total fucken failure!! 

So I zipped the one mat I won Honorable Mention with Pastimes and sent it over to Inked Playmats to be put on their site.

And here I sit at 11:15pm pissed off that I focused on "work" got nothing done. Didn't work out, stuffed my face with almonds...yeah I know it could be worse.

I'm going to work out tomorrow first thing. Then I'll work on this "show the world you have a pair of balls" thing I'm suppose to be doing and try to tell myself I'm not the loser I believe I really am. 

my scale is a time machine!

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This morning my scale displayed a number I haven't seen since my senior year in high school! wwooo hooo it's like I'm back in time.

And just like my senior year I was reminded today by someone just how much of a failure I am. I can hear the words of my old man "you'll never be more than a donut maker"

So as I struggle to clean up the house in time for Alexander's therapy appointment, do a balancing act with trying to teach Anthony daddy's collectables are not toys, figure out what I'm going to feed everyone for dinner and hope there's time left over for me to get a work out in, I have to fight off the feelings of the loser that I am and how I disappoint everyone including myself.

stupid cold

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I started fighting this stupid cold Saturday afternoon. Sunday evening after the Ren Fair I just wasn't myself. I wanted to buy myself something this year at the fair but was so out of it I couldn't even find anything I liked. Oh well, I did have a good time with my kiddies and friends. Even the roommate was okay.

NY Renaissance Festival 2012

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I pretty much slept since Sunday night when ever I could. This cold really knocked me out. Today I was determined to clean up the house and work out. And I've done just that!

When Alexander went down for his 2nd nap I put in that evil Jillian Michaels and did level 2 of the 30 Day Shred. Oh My God I can't believe I can do a walk out push up! ME the fat girl! Holy Shit. It's just amazing to me that I can do that.

Before

Talk about sweating like a pig, there's sweat down my chest. I couldn't wait to get in the shower.

I bought a dress for Cheryl's wedding in January. So it's Quest for the dress #2!!! I can't believe what size I ordered! I'm scared to even type it out because I might jinx myself.

I am really going to try not to focus on the size dress. But of course I'm worried. I don't remember wearing anything smaller than a 16... which I'm wearing right now! I'm just going to focus on my work out goals.

Hell yeah I'm back!!!

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My mind is going a mile a minute right now. I feel GREAT but so so so sore. I'm back, hell yeah I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. It's the take no prisoners DID that I want to be...well maybe I'm just improving on one of my DID names. Whatever I'm doing, I knew there was no way I was missing a work out today.

I spent the day with my newly Wireless boy and my Patches boy at Field Station: Dinosaurs and had a great day.


Then SURPRISE....... the roommate turned into a "husband" for the first time in such a long time I should have him checked for entry points for where the alien entered him... He called that he was in the area and lets meet for dinner at IHop. HOLY MOLY!

I was so happy to see the calories listed on the menu!! I ordered the Veggie Omelette

Dinner took a while and for less than a minute I thought "I was active enough today don't need to work out" And THEN the host who's been working there forever said to me "You've lost weight" I smiled and said yes and knew I would come home and push myself to do that evil Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred.

Not only did I do the work out, I did level 2 and did the whole thing! I LOVE that my abs are so sore!! My arms hurt, my legs hurt and my butt hurts. I feel GREAT!!!!

Before


Sweating like a pig

Tomorrow I weigh in with my doctor. I haven't been there in a few weeks. I also haven't been 100% either, so I don't know if the scale will move at all. It's gone up and it's gone down the last few weeks. But I'm happy and really feel that fire to push myself past that number that has been scaring me.

Happy August 22nd!!!!

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When I left Anthony's eye doctor in July, I had a surgery date of August 8th. I then had to change Alexander's heart doctor appointment which was schedule for Aug 8th also. When they gave me the next available date I thought to myself, my lucky number 22 won't let me down.

I ended up changing Anthony's eye surgery so he could enjoy the rest of the summer and go swimming, but I didn't call Alexander's doctor to change the appointment back. I just felt my 22 would take care of me and the monitor would be coming off.

At last the day was here. I had expected to take Anthony with me but at the last minute he stayed with my mother. I knew FOR SURE it was coming off because every major important thing with Alexander, I have been the only one there with him. So off to the doctors I went, nervous and excited but confidant it was coming off.

Here Alexander is taking a little nap right before we left.


Here we are getting ready to leave.


Waiting in the waiting room

Having the exam
Woo Hoo GREAT NEWS - I'm too sexy for my monitor, too sexy for my monitor!!!

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I was so excited I didn't even get that bothered by the saboteur's annoying remarks later on in the afternoon when we did errands.

When I came home I made an anniversary dinner for the roommate and Anthony. Then to celebrate I did 30 minutes of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I am so happy that after not doing it for a while I was still able todo the jumping jacks and get through the whole DVD! yippie for me.

Here I am before my work out


And Sweating like a pig


I am really proud of myself that I didn't let the day get away from me and miss my work out! Now I'm going to play with photo shop for a little while and got to bed early.

Challenge Accepted

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My girl Cheryl  has been struggling with staying on plan and eating healthy. So have I and it shows. I have been able to lose up to 10lbs a month, but so far this summer, I've lost 7lbs! Yeah I know some of you would say that's great BUT YOU'RE WRONG.

I totally felt the slipping going on in my head and little by little my work outs were less. NO I cannot let this happen. So while I was sitting in the airport yesterday waiting for my flight and texting Cheryl. I could "hear" the anxiety in her texts. She wants to fit into her wedding dress on Jan 5, 2013. And I want a NEW dress for her wedding so I told her "Challenge Accepted"

Then today my new 20 dollar winter coat came from Zulily.com which I knew wouldn't fit me yet so that's another challenge.

new coat


I am about to get the boys ready and go out for a walk/run so I'll finish blogging later.


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Here I am coming home from my late night walk/run with Twiggy.

We did 2.73 miles up and down these hills. I am so sore. Tomorrow Twiggy can't walk with me so I will either walk earlier or do a Jillian Micheals DVD.

I drank my walk ate correctly and worked out....so in other words it was a GREAT DAY!

No work out today...

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I really don't know where the days go. This summer is flying by. I was working on a contest most of the day and I have nothing to show for it!! I am too picky with my art work.

I hope I can whip something up on Sunday. The deadline is Monday.

Between taking care of the kids, folding clothes, working on this contest I finally opened all the presents from Alexander Christening. The boy is rich! Okay maybe not  rich but he will be. I will be putting all his money into the same investments I have his brother's money in. I'm trying to give my boys a head start in life.

At 7:30 pm I went food shopping with Twiggy instead of a walk.  I didn't get home until 10:30pm after all our stops.

Even though I didn't work out I wanted to blog because I know keeping a record of what I'm doing helps me stay focused.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Angel and going to an amusement park with the kids. I won't get an official work out in either, but I'll be walking around a lot so that's going to count for something!

My walking buddy

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I must say I'm shocked by the scale today. I totally didn't expect to even see it go down. When I get upset I shove food in my mouth. And I've been upset a lot lately. Even tonight... right now the roommate is fighting with Anthony.

The roommate left the door open, I closed it and asked him why he didn't close the door. In a typical child like manner he said "Anthony was the one who was behind me" Really? blaming the child for not closing the door? It's this every day stuff that has just gotten to me over the years!

Anyway I was super pleased with myself today at the weigh in despite my need to eat food when I'm mad. I'm 7.5 pounds away from my next goal.. and I'm going to push hard for these 7.5lbs and that means focus, determination and blogging every day!

If you don't see a new post by me in the morning then YELL AT ME!! Got that Cheryl? 

I went to the eye doctor today for the first time in about 20 years. Alexander was with me all day while Anthony stayed home with the saboteur.  He was so good all day with me.
I didn't know they were going to dilate my eyes. I drove home very slowly and couldn't move around because I couldn't see! I don't know how Anthony deals with his eye problems!! He had to help me walk into the kitchen to get him a drink.

I called the roommate and put it in terms he understood. GET YOUR ASS HOME I CAN'T SEE. To my surprise that worked, he got home about 5:40pm and I slept off the dizzy feeling I had from seeing blurry.

At 8pm I woke up, changed my clothes and out the door I went for a walk with Twiggy. I am so happy she lives around the corner! It's so much better to walk with someone else.

The moon was AWESOME tonight! My cell phone didn't get a good photo but it was great. I hope you got to see it if you were out tonight.

I am feeling good, strong and determined... I haven't felt this good in a few months. I want to meet this next goal before the end of the month!

I'm my own worst enemy

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The days have been hard. I'm trying to focus and get organized. I can't do everything at once, but even trying to take baby steps isn't getting me any place. I miss working out. I'm swimming and walking but I miss the DVD work outs.

I haven't been faithful to MYSELF, I haven't put myself first before everything else. It's hard! The boys are demanding. I'm TIRED!!And if you have been following my blog you know the roommate is useless!

I love being home with my boys. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching Anthony things but most days it's a challenge just to get him to follow directions. He won't even stay with me in a store, maybe I should tie him to the stroller!!

This week "Code Yellow" was announced at my local Kohl's because Anthony took off. After running around the store pushing Alexander in the stroller I found him and we left. He wasn't happy to be leaving but I stuck to my guns. I count running around Kohl's pushing the stroller as a workout!!

Tonight during the daily fight with the roommate I heard myself say "Do or do not, there is no try". Shortly after I left the house with Anthony to pick up formula. For the 1 1/2 hours we were out all I could think about was "do or do not" and I have not been doing!!

When I got home I was in a different mind set and went for a late night walk. I tried to get  mapmywalk.com to work on my phone but it wouldn't! That didn't stop me, I went for my walk anyway.

I just signed up to mapmywalk.com using my computer and mapped out my walk, it was 1.75miles tonight. I plan on walking again tomorrow night. Hopefully the app will work now.

I might feel off my game and things are going slower, but there's no doubt there is a change in how I look from last fall.



The first photo I was pregnant with Alexander but really not much off from my heaviest weight not pregnant, so I'm using that photo as a before picture.

Tomorrow is my weigh in. I have no idea if I lost anything from last time. But I do know that for the next 16 days I'm going to work hard!!!