I'm drowning

I'm not doing well taking care of myself or my family. I keep screwing up. The pressure of taking care of everything has had a negative impact on me.
It's hard to make decisions or I make the wrong ones. I have nobody to work it out with because their father has his own issues.
I am living through the worst year of my life, through no fault of my own. I am just trying to survive the fall out and I'm not making it.
I'm hurting so much, but I see we are reaching the end. By September 27 we should have answers to all the big issues. I just need to keep my head above the water so I don't drown

My blog is a mess, I'm a mess

I haven't done anything right for myself this year. It has been the most stressful year of my life. When I'm stressed I eat.  I don't want to be fat, I don't want to be a mess. But I am. Now slowly I have to fight back. I need to stop asking myself WHY can't I do it. And just do it.
in 2012 I was focused and lost 70lbs. So I know I can do this. I just don't have the support team I did then, I'm more alone. So I really need to find my strength again.
The kids start school next week. I have to walk my youngest to the bus stop. That's up and down a hill 2x a day. I'll track it with my app next week. The walking will help.
Today I'm just sticking to the plan that works for me. And I plan on coming here to blog to you.. to myself. I don't feel good right now and I want to. So that's my focus. I need to get myself out of this mess I'm in.
Maria

Not mindlessly eating

I made it through a rough couple of days. I am so proud of myself that I kept fighting and didn't just eat to eat. I am being more aware of when I'm hungry and not just eating at any time. And the scale is being nice to me!!! My official weigh ins are Tuesday. So I will count that as my final number. I should be able to push through the weekend.
Keep going Maria!

No sleep

I made it through the night without eating. Didn't sleep but didn't eat. I got on the scale and it's down a little so that made me smile. I need to get through today. I really wanted to work out when my son went to school but I might have to nap or I won't be able to drive my other son to the doctors later.
We'll see. I'll be back
Xoxo
Me

Woke up

Of course I can't sleep! Of course! I just had to get to bed. That was my goal. Just get to bed time without eating crap. Now I woke up and can't get back to sleep. If I get up, I'll eat. Don't get up. Dont. Stay in bed (fighting tears ) what is wrong with me. Why can't I do this? Why do I hear food calling me? I hate my stomach. Hate it. It's bothering me so much. Why do I want food?  Go to sleep!

Honesty

Let me be honest...
I hate myself.
I am addicted to food.
I am not sure how to fix myself.
I really think I'm going to die because I can't stop eating.
I have done terrible the last few months. I am not in control. I am not in the right mind set.
My life went into a tail spin moments after the last time I worked out in January and I am just recovering.
I took care of my kids, I took care of my family, I kept a close eye on our financial situation. I asked for help. We got through it. Our family is coming out the other side stronger, but me, personally, it took its toll.
Nightmares, not sleeping, sleeping to much, over eating, not eating, over eating, more eating. I am not even hungry and I'm looking for something to eat. I am angry at myself. I shouldn't be here but I am.
I miss my doctor. I miss going to him and getting weighed in and getting a pep talk. I feel like a failure right now. (Fighting tears) I don't want to be fat, I really don't. I am uncomfortable at my weight. I gained weight. I have to fight. Maria, you need to fight.
I know I do well when I do the shake diet, but it's more than that. I have to work out. I haven't yet. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel good. I want to push myself and work out.
Today I have had a shake and a bar so far. I am drinking water. I just need to get to 8pm. 5 more hours,  then I go to bed with my kids. I need to stop looking for reasons to keep eating and look for the reasons to stop eating.
Stop eating because...
Your jeans don't fit right,
Your back hurts,
Your face looks fatter,
You feel the weight gain,
You need to drink more water because your legs hurt,
You want a pretty dress for Anthony's communion party.

Wow I feel better just blogging to myself.
Good girl, drink your water.
Love yourself
Xoxo
Maria

Value Add

Urban Dictionary says a Value Add is "the reason I'd like you to think I'm useful."
I'm searching for my value add. Who's life do I matter to? What do I bring to the table.
Unfortunately in business I don't see a Value Add for myself. I have very limited skills. And the training I did for those skills is outdated.
The only value I have currently is being Mom to Anthony and Alexander. My focus needs to stay on them. What do they need and how do I make their life better.
Every time I have thought about divorce before there was usually a picture in my head on where I would go . I don't have that right now. My life has totally shifted into making sure my kids are healthy.
Now faces with no income until he finds another job a whole new set of questions are in my face. How do we handle medical bills? How do I get insurance for my kids? How will I feed them?
Asking my son to pick having 1 slice of pizza at school or a whole pie at home is something new for him. I never have allowed kids to worry about money. I always hid it from them.
I'm worried about getting gas for the van, I'm worried about feeding them, I'm worried about getting Anthony his medicine.
The only thing I can control is how I handle this. I won't be living in a cardboard box. I have friends who just gave me a shop rite gift card. My kids will have food. I am going to get Anthony signed up for free lunch. I am going to apply for medical for them. We will get a tax refund soon, I will get us out of credit card debt, then we can coast for a while. Movie nights will become game nights and ordering out will become trying new recipes.
No buying anything, use coupons and SMILE! We are alive, we are for the most part healthy.
I will not allow this stress to take over
I will de-stress every chance I get. I am pleased with myself that I got in my 10 minute work out. And I'm currently soaking in a warm bath! I had looked at my feet and wished I could go for a pedicure but I have the skills to do it myself! So stay strong Maria. You can get your family through this!

Life is out of control

I can't control anything that is happening in my life right now, but I can still work out.
I am focusing on staying on track to work out and stick to my plan when I really just want to cry.
I will figure out what we have to do next but for now I can pat myself on the back that I did 10 minutes.

Number 8 life's most stressful list

One of the most stressful things in life just happened to my family.
I know I will figure this out and get us through it but in the mean time I feel scared and helpless.

Happy Monday

I did it. I did it. And a nice little sweat too. I'm not ready to push myself more than the 10 minutes. I need to take my time and build myself up or I will give up. I see results on the scale and I am pleased with that.
Today I did No More Trouble Zones. Boy that was hard. And I am not using weights so I can't even imagine how it would feel with weights.
Slowly I will get there and I will go shopping for cute new summer clothes

Everything hurts

Everything hurts today. My calves, my arms, my back. I didn't make it 10 minutes. It was about 6. I was ready to give up at 3. I made it to 6, then the phone rang. Saved my the bell.
Tomorrow I will not be working out to a dvd. Instead I will be counting my steps at a ComicCon. I know I will hit my step number tomorrow so I'm counting that as my workout.
My mom seems to wonder when I work out, things and people from my past come to mind. The last time I was this focused there was someone in my life I was giving all my love. I was doing it more for him. This time I'm giving myself all my love.
There are many things about myself that I gave embraced and love. I love my art talent. When I create I fell the most whole. I love all the things I do with my boys. I love the people they are becoming. And I love the fight in my soul that I have to make sure their life is better than mine. I love my eyes and I love my smile. My nose is cute too.
But I don't love my body. I am trapped inside this cage of fat. It holds me back from everything. So I am attacking back. I want to be more than a fat person.
I will be more.
Xoxox
Loving myself
Maria

Oh happy day

I'm so happy with my choices today. A few times I could have had a piece of candy. I was even offered a free donut but I happily said no thank you.
I'm currently having a snack of peppers and hummus. It's delicious.
It's 100 days until my son's communion. I want to have a pretty dress and be a few sizes down. I keep thinking about seeing my...hmm what are they?...future ex in-laws... I haven't see them since 3 dress sizes ago. Not that they ever said anything nice to me. I just want to look GOOD!
Okay okay I can hear one of you who reads my blog saying "you always look good" my response is Just Shut Up! Because I do not feel good with fat rolls. I know I will still be fat in 100 days (again just shut up because I am fat!) I am just looking forward to feeling good :-)
This is happy Maria signing off, still eating her peppers.

Go me!

I am so proud of myself. The inner thin healthy girl is currently in the driver seat. I love her. I love her motivation. I love her focus. She talked me through my 10 minute work out this morning while Fat Girl me fought back the tears. FG knows she's one peanut butter cup away from a heart attack. Thin Girl told her to keep going and finish strong. She remindered her of reasons she's doing this, to be apart of my children's lives longer. To be around to see Grandchildren.
Fat people don't live long. When was the last time you saw a fat 80 year old? My life expectancy is probably in the 60s right now. I need to change that and I will change that.
Thin Girl also reminded Fat Girl about the cute clothes she could wear. And day dreamed about wearing a bikini, he'll even a bathing suit that wasn't a moo-moo.
I realize I will need a body lift. I already have skin sagging. I will find a doctor to talk to when I get to 150lb. Right now my focus is on loosing 5lbs. And I'm going great. I already see a difference in the scale from earlier this week. I won't count how much I lost until I have been working out a week. Next Tuesday is official weigh in for me.
So to recap, working out for my kids, grandkids that I dream about, cute clothes and a bikini, oh and sex! Lots and lots of sex!!! Not to toot my own horn, but sex with me is already pretty great according to my last lover. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was thin enough to try some of those positions on sexinfo101!
Time to hit the shower and have an amazing day where I stick to my meal plan, drink water, SMILE and believe in myself.
Go Maria, you've got this!

Just 10 minutes

That's the deal I made with myself this week. Just a 10 minute work out every day.
I need to listen to myself, there is a skinny chick inside me who wants to come out.
So I did it. 10 minutes. Go me!

One small step

I'm not giving up. I need to believe in myself. I do believe in myself. I know I can do this. Working out is a key for me. I did a 10 minute work out. I feel my legs shaking. That's good.
Yesterday I did well with food, pat on the back for me. If I want to succeed I need a plan. My plan is a work out every morning.
Congratulate yourself Maria, you aren't giving up.

Give me...

Yippie for my drill sergeant.
I dropped and gave him 9 again. And getting to that 9 was difficult. I think I do 5 really well now.
He also had me do jumping jacks. I am sure I could have done more, but note to self; make sure you're wearing a bra! At number 15 I couldn't take the girls bouncing around anymore and tried holding them, my son laughed so hard...well that was that!
Tune in tomorrow for another exciting post of drop and give me....
This has been a message from my big fat ass!
You can do this.

Drop and give me...

Nine! That's today's push up number.
My son has been slacking off. I reminded him to make me do the push ups. I'm really happy with the 9!
Didn't do well with my water today. I need to be better.
Eating shrimp or beans for most of my meals. Baby steps are better than no steps.

♡ my scale

WOW!!! My scale is down 5lbs.
I made small chances. Drinking water, being aware of what I am eating, cutting out sweets, I drank a lot of water the days I was home and could go to the bathroom every 5 minutes.
I'm happy. Looking forward to another week. I know it might be just 1 pound each week and that's fine.
Thanks Cheryl for your inspiration.

4 push ups

Ugh...4 just 4 today. But they were 4 good ones.

Drop and give me...

7...almost 8
That's how many push ups my fat ass just did.
It's been a crazy weekend. My little boss didn't demand my daily push ups yesterday and just remembered now.
I need to focus this week. My goal is 20lbs off by May.

Drop and give me...6

My little soldier is enjoying saying, "Drop and give me 20" more like 6!!
I gave him 5 last night and 6 again this morning. He told me he believes in me and that I will get to 20.
We are helping each other. I am working with him to help him read more, he's encouraging me to get fit.
Thank goodness for my little boys. They are the reason I am always fighting to lose weight.

6, 20, 10

This morning my son counted for me
6 push ups
20 squats
10 lunges on each leg.
Must drink more water today

Drop down and give me 20

New goal! Get up to 20 push ups. I haven't worked out in a while. I need to start with baby steps.
My son is helping me. He is in charge of counting push ups. He likes to say Drop down and give me 20...lol I gave him 5...and that was hard.
I can do this.
99 days to change my life

Happy 100 day challenge- day 1

I joined my friends group and I'm starting a 100 day challenge.
I have lots to do in this 100 days! My living room is turning into my bedroom and there is currently no room for me to work out. So sticking to my meal plan is very important and so is drinking enough water.
Good luck me! You can do this.