Honesty

Let me be honest...
I hate myself.
I am addicted to food.
I am not sure how to fix myself.
I really think I'm going to die because I can't stop eating.
I have done terrible the last few months. I am not in control. I am not in the right mind set.
My life went into a tail spin moments after the last time I worked out in January and I am just recovering.
I took care of my kids, I took care of my family, I kept a close eye on our financial situation. I asked for help. We got through it. Our family is coming out the other side stronger, but me, personally, it took its toll.
Nightmares, not sleeping, sleeping to much, over eating, not eating, over eating, more eating. I am not even hungry and I'm looking for something to eat. I am angry at myself. I shouldn't be here but I am.
I miss my doctor. I miss going to him and getting weighed in and getting a pep talk. I feel like a failure right now. (Fighting tears) I don't want to be fat, I really don't. I am uncomfortable at my weight. I gained weight. I have to fight. Maria, you need to fight.
I know I do well when I do the shake diet, but it's more than that. I have to work out. I haven't yet. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel good. I want to push myself and work out.
Today I have had a shake and a bar so far. I am drinking water. I just need to get to 8pm. 5 more hours,  then I go to bed with my kids. I need to stop looking for reasons to keep eating and look for the reasons to stop eating.
Stop eating because...
Your jeans don't fit right,
Your back hurts,
Your face looks fatter,
You feel the weight gain,
You need to drink more water because your legs hurt,
You want a pretty dress for Anthony's communion party.

Wow I feel better just blogging to myself.
Good girl, drink your water.
Love yourself
Xoxo
Maria