Same Sh!t different day

Haven't I been fighting the hoarding for over 8 years now? Haven't I been working on losing weight for 8 years now? I get so angry at myself that I am not in a better place, but now I'm trying to work on that voice that puts me down. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. That voice that tells me I'm no good. I hate that voice. I have listened to that voice for my whole life.

I need to get better. I need to clear my head, body, and mind. I need to do this. I want to do this. I have to make every day a work in progress and not get mad that I am not there.

Fighting with the Head of the Hoarding in our house gets me nowhere. I am so angry at him! The amount of stuff he values shocks me. He hides it. He goes through things I have thrown out to see what is in there to see if it's "still good" then hides. He had two barrels full of junk I threw away over a month ago, hiding in the back yard, then was going through the stuff I threw out this week. He would NOT stop!

I was outside fighting with him and it was somehow my fault! I'm the ass that was making a scene. I didn't want him to go through every little thing I threw away and keep it! How dare I do that! How dare I get ride of things that were taking up space. How dare I clean the house for OUR sons! That's right I made a scene, let me take my curtain call for standing up to him.

All this was going on while I was supposed to be on a zoom class I paid for. He purposely did it at that time because he didn't think I would leave the zoom class, he was wrong. I knew what he was doing. So I left the meeting to go after him.

The fighting continued once we were inside. He tried to justify everything he keeps. Let me try to paint you a picture (ha funny because I could really paint it) I will clean out a cabinet. I might pull out 4 towels that are mismatched or have holes. I will put them in a bag for the Good Will. He will look in that bag, take out the towels "because they are still good" and HIDE THEM in the living room, which he took over as a bedroom, hoarder room. There is stuff FLOOR TO CEILING. I am not lying! He has a big shelf in there that was from his storage unit it's on the far wall. It is packed with boxes and bags. I can't even get to it, because in front of it are more boxes, bags and things piled on top of all of that. There is actually a love seat in there, but you can't even see it because of the amount of stuff on top of it. There is an entertainment center, can't see that either because of everything in front of it. There is just a path, that my fat ass has to walk sideways, and I slowly move my feet because I might hit something and an avalanche might happen.

I know it's unsafe. I know we shouldn't live like this. I know it has to be cleaned out. I am doing my best every single day. A lot of the stuff I can't throw out, it's big took stuff. I don't know what to do with it. We have no storage. He has to take it somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it can't be here.

I started moving his clothes out and putting it in the boys old room. I moved some of his books. It looks like I did NOTHING! The boys and I carried out 5 bags of things to throw away and 4 to go to the Good Will and it doesn't look like we did ANYTHING.

That is what beats me down. That is what makes me cry. I'm fighting all alone here. But I am fighting. I have to clean this up or my kids will face the same life of loving crap over people.

7pm tonight I walk. Maybe I'll see my art friends on Zoom. This helps my metal health. In the mean time, I clean.

Day 12 - how I got from there to here

I saw this on Cheryl's FB page and really started thinking about it.



Yes I overeat in fact I really have to ask myself if I'm hungry or just bored. I listen for that grumble now and sometimes I can feel my blood sugar DROP so I know I have to eat or I'm going to pass out.

Admitting I overeat was easy to say, but when I thought about WHY I do it, I felt that knot in the back of my throat and the tears forming. If you are told over and over that you weren't wanted, you are worthless, you'll never be anything...YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!! If there are only a FEW in your life telling you otherwise you DON'T believe them!!!

I turned to food as a comfort very early, but the emotional and physical abuse I was growing up with started YEARS before I started eating pop tarts. And then what happened was my circle of abusers grew as my weight went up.

I will never forget being picked up and carried to the scale for some of my cousins to see how much I weighed and then make fun at me during a family BBQ and NOT ONE ADULT to them to stop.

I continued to eat any time I was upset with what was happening in my life. I gained a lot when my parents were fighting over sending me to college, I gained even more when my 1st husband left me. I started getting my life back on track and lost weight when I turned 30.

In my 30's I was working crazy, long hours making little money, met my 2nd husband and my weight started going up and up and up and OMFG UP!!!!!!! Needless to say I have been VERY UNHAPPY.

And after my miscarriage in '09 I could feel myself spiral totally out of control. I blamed myself, my weight, the years I smoked, God hated me, everybody hated me, that I was in fact worthless and other people were better than me so they got to have babies and I didn't.

I have to fight these DEMONS just about every single day! It is still hard for me to believe I am not worthless!!!!!

It was only after my miss of my little girl(s) [unconfirmed twins - started miscarrying before I could get to the doctor and after my DNC I was told it was a girl] I saw a sign in the doctors office for The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and thought... "I want to try that".

I asked and asked my "saboteur" to watch my older child, but she forgot, or was busy or whatever the reason. So I never got there. Then I noticed that the "saboteur" was losing weight and I kept telling her she looked good. One day I happened upon her little secret that she went and started with The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and didn't tell me!!!!  After hearing her LIE to people about how she was losing weight, I finally picked up the phone made and asked if it would be alright for me to bring my son to the appointments.

I started on June 22, 2010 with my 2.5 year old in tow every week. I was not working out much and still allowing everyone else to control my life with going out to eat or sucking up my time so exercising wasn't happening much. It took me 9 months to get off 40lbs!!!!! I was doing the diet but still fighting those DEMONS and wasn't working hard enough.

On the day the scale said I was down that 40lbs I was already pregnant with my 2nd son.  The diet stopped for my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to get back on the diet. I HATED seeing the scale go up and up and UP again. I was at my 6 week check up and made my appointment to start the diet again even before the official approval of my OBGYN. Of course he gave it to me and I jumped back in with two feet running.

The last few months I have surrounded myself with positive people.. well not that I see them every day, but my support group are just one text/phone call away.  I can't believe how long it took for me in this life to have friends who are REAL FRIENDS... and guess what?

Most of the people I'm talking about I knew from grammar school. We all connected again thanks to facebook and I am a much better person having them in my life than not at all. There are others who I met when I was single who are also there for me.

I do have support from my other side the of family.. not the cousins who put me on the scale, my other two who I love dearly!!!! I have forgiven the other cousins over the years, I just don't believe they knew how hurtful they were being.

This year so far has been AMAZING. I gained 70lbs being pregnant this time! If I had a yogurt I gained weight! I came home from the hospital 20lbs lighter but still full of water. By the end of Dec I was down another 20lbs.

I started the diet this time back up 30lbs from where I was last March. I am really pushing myself, I believe in myself, and I am doing this for MYSELF this time. I am so proud of myself for getting almost 30lbs off in 3 months!! The loving support and encouragement is also making a big difference.

I still fight those evil demons, but someone who loves me got me a demon protection spell

When I saw this posted tonight on someone's wall on FB I smiled. This sums up what I'm feeling. This is really important to me.



Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$