Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

Day 75 - it's Wednesday? felt like Tuesday ;-)

Warning..high volume of photos today.

Waves to the lemon police ;-) that's why it feels like Tuesday....moving on

I'm not sure if it's the No More Trouble Zone's DVD or the fact that I didn't work out for 4 days, but I'm having trouble getting through to the end. When Alexander started crying 20 minutes into the work out, I was soooooooooooooooo glad! Work out called on the count of a crying baby yippee!



For only 20 minutes I am still sweating like a pig. This lady is killing me, but I am seeing results. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair.. my arms are getting defined!!! Look at my shoulder you can see it! You can see the muscles.



I got dressed when into my favorite t-shirt drawer and pulled out my Bon Jovi T-shirt that I never wore because I couldn't fit into! It's a little long, I wish I knew how to sew... that's on my bucket list, I really need to get on that and learn.



Anthony was already a brat on the bus, I should have known it was going to be a nightmare going out with him and the saboteur, but the coupon I had for Payless ended today and he really needed sneakers. So off we went.

I got myself a large iced coffee and off we went. As I snapped this photo, the man sitting on the bench, on the right side of my coffee picture, asked me why I took a picture of my coffee. I told him I blog every day. I wanted to say, because if I sent this picture to the roommate he would have NO idea what kind of coffee I have, but if I send it to the "boyfriend" he would know without a doubt!





As you can see Mr. Anthony was already his crazy self. He wanted to climb on the stop sign. As I took his picture I wish I had a sharpie with me so I could write above the word stop "Don't" and below it "Believing"



And here he is in Kohl's putting on a fashion show for me.



I tried on a few things. I did not get any of these dresses I didn't like how any of them looked and they were more money than the ones I have bought on zulily.com.



I was at Kohl's on a mission to find a handbag I saw on their site, but no luck, but I figured I'd just order it on line when I got home. So I started hunting for yellow stuff since that's the "IT" summer color this year and just happens to work well with my crazy lemon craze.

I like this shirt, size 1X, but dammit I am going to have to change this blog name to My Big Fat Stomach! I refuse to buy a 2x shirt because I am only going to lose more weight so at some point it will look better and until then I'll wear the spanks under it. Hey and the shorts size 16!!! go me ;-)



This is the other yellow shirt but this is a size 2X and it felt big everywhere.



I went out and got the 1X and it looks better don't you think? but ugh that stomach.. I need to work out harder.



Next onto yellow shoes...which sandal do like better? My purple toes have to go if I'm wearing these.



Anthony was so out of control by the time we were done, my face was red from holding him down. I even had to step on his harness when he got away from me in order to stop him from running out into the street.

When the roommate got home I put him in charge on Anthony, which is a joke. A lot more screaming and yelling took place until they both got to bed. And the headache that slowly started was still going strong after they both  went to sleep! Anthony needs to be in  a padded room sometimes.

I went on Facebook for a while and caught up with everyone's life. Cheryl posted a link about a girl who ran the spartan race. If you have time read her blog.

She really is inspiring, maybe I will be ready to race next June. I really liked the part of her story with her trainer putting the muddy hand print on her back and saying "I got your back". Which gave me an idea!!

I am going to get myself a few shirts and some fabric paint. I'm going to ask a few of my friends who have really been supportive of me to put their hand in the paint then on the back of my shirt.

So if you see me coming towards you with a dish, some paint, baby wipes to clean up and a shirt with a board in it, you'll know what's going on. Fair warning this is going to happen at the Christening!!!


I continued my "lemon shopping" on line.. and got the handbag I wanted ;-) Now the lemon police told me if I got anything with more than 3 lemons on it he would take a scissors and cut all but 3 lemons off... hope he doesn't do that to my new handbag.



I also found these!!!!!!!!!! prefect one lemon, can't get in trouble there. And I need new panties, mine are all to big.



I'm taking a big risk here.. I have a feeling there will be scissors involved..LMAO




That's it, that's my day. See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 72 - Jimmy & Alisa's Wedding

My cousin's wedding was beautiful! I was looking forward to it all month because I was going ALONE!

What I didn't expect was for me to feel so shitty listening to the ceremony and hearing all the things that are WRONG with me and the roommate. I loved how the vows included Alisa's daughter Chloe.

During the vows the minister said "the partner of my soul" I really don't know if they repeated it or if he kept talking because that phrase was swarming around in my head. I'll have to go back and check my cousin's Christopher's video.

Here's a photo of the happy family, which is my favorite photo I've seen of the night.



Before I got myself too trashed I took a picture of how I looked in the bathroom at the Brownstone. I brought my little purple sweater with me wore it when I got a little cold. I am really happy I went with the black dress, I like how it looks on me. I hope I get to wear it again.. anyone having a party soon?



I only ate at the cocktail hour, I was full when the dinner was set up! The food was delicious. The beefsteak at The Brownstone is so yummy!! I loved the Italian tray and the seafood bar too. I just kept eating and eating at the cocktail hour, then continued drinking until I was louder than my normal loud mouth self....however it didn't help the lonely feeling I was trying to drown out, it made it worse. I really hate being in this relationship.



I got my drunk ass home via the saboteur, who couldn't be bothered to say I looked nice, but her eyes bugged out of her head when she saw me. Could be because she hated what I wore... which is what I'm leaning towards. I'm sure didn't like something.

This makes day 3 of not working out!

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 38 - getting back into the swing of things

Trying to get back into some kind of normal routine this week. The kids both go up early so I got them fed and dressed, which meant I could get in an early work out!

I took my before picture with Alexander today, because he will be the first person in my life who will not remember me fat!! That is an awesome feeling. Alexander is going to have an AWESOME MOM! One who doesn't dread getting into a bath suit, or shorts. One who will jump on a plane to visit Cousin Chris or Cousin Vinnie and not worry that the seat belt won't fit.



Anthony may or may not remember what I looked like. I hope over time, the memories of fat mommy fade for him. He's a great support. He came into the living room while I was working out and said "You're doing great Mom" That little guy has no idea how those words just melt my heart. I don't know when I'll be fit enough to start jogging but I am really looking forward to it. My little ADHD guy is going to come with me! Maybe running around the track will help him with all his energy and it will pave the way for him to be a fit adult. I know I'm already doing well teaching him healthy eating habits.
Here I am done with my work out. Take notice of Anthony playing with his trains in the hall way. He stayed out of my way and played there so I could do my work out.


I am really pushing to be able to do more. I was able to get into plank position and do 3 push ups like that. The rest I had to do on my knees. I'm going to keep trying to do them every day, until I can handle 5. I'll keep working on them until I can stay in plank position and do them all like that.

I got a bunch of things done this morning including some laundry. On my way upstairs I notice something that the roommate  did! He took a few things out of recycling and hid them in the basement. This is one of the MANY REASONS I hate him! I'm so sick of him taking things out of the garbage or recycling and hiding it. I don't understand his attachment to things and not people. I will NEVER understand it. And if he doesn't stop and get help he is going to lose his kids not just me!

Hoarding is an illness, just like over eating! Nobody can help him unless he wants to help himself. I want to change, I want to live and do things with my kids. He rather have stuff and lose his whole family over it.

Things are at the point with him, that when I'm doing the punches in the Jillian Michael 30 day shred, I am picturing his face or I turn around and face our wedding picture on the wall and do my punches looking at that. He is NOT the man I married. He is NOT the man who made me fall in love with him. He did a great job of hiding the real him until after my last name was changed.

I am changing my life and I'm not taking that hoarding monkey's ass with me! The chapters with him in it every day will soon be over. The me I always wanted to be is coming out and I'm going to be the best me ever, without him!

See you tomorrow when I'm sweating like a pig again. I'm hoping I can do some scrap designing tonight.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 31 - back on track

Happy Monday and Happy I got my big fat @$$ back on track day. Told you I wouldn't let the eating continue. I have to make that size 18 look good not just zip it up!!

It was a long day, since Anthony is home from school. It's 10:39pm and this kid is still going!!! He just never stops, so I'm trying to get him to do the work outs with me hoping it will tire out the ADHD kid.. no luck! Meanwhile I am ready to go to bed RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

My friend Jenn is also doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. She also hates the evil B!t(h, but my ass is getting smaller. In February my roommate took full body pictures of me. We are going to take them again some times this week. I can't wait to see the change. I know there's a change, the jeans I was wearing in February I need a belt to hold up.

Here I am tonight with Anthony at the start of the work out.


Anthony gave up, so here I am done 30 minutes later.


Good thing I don't have a weigh in on Friday, I jumped on my scale tonight and got scared by the number I saw! I don't like when I see it go up even a little bit. I need to focus, work hard and next week I hope to have at least another 2lbs off my big fat ass!

See you tomorrw
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 12 - how I got from there to here

I saw this on Cheryl's FB page and really started thinking about it.



Yes I overeat in fact I really have to ask myself if I'm hungry or just bored. I listen for that grumble now and sometimes I can feel my blood sugar DROP so I know I have to eat or I'm going to pass out.

Admitting I overeat was easy to say, but when I thought about WHY I do it, I felt that knot in the back of my throat and the tears forming. If you are told over and over that you weren't wanted, you are worthless, you'll never be anything...YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!! If there are only a FEW in your life telling you otherwise you DON'T believe them!!!

I turned to food as a comfort very early, but the emotional and physical abuse I was growing up with started YEARS before I started eating pop tarts. And then what happened was my circle of abusers grew as my weight went up.

I will never forget being picked up and carried to the scale for some of my cousins to see how much I weighed and then make fun at me during a family BBQ and NOT ONE ADULT to them to stop.

I continued to eat any time I was upset with what was happening in my life. I gained a lot when my parents were fighting over sending me to college, I gained even more when my 1st husband left me. I started getting my life back on track and lost weight when I turned 30.

In my 30's I was working crazy, long hours making little money, met my 2nd husband and my weight started going up and up and up and OMFG UP!!!!!!! Needless to say I have been VERY UNHAPPY.

And after my miscarriage in '09 I could feel myself spiral totally out of control. I blamed myself, my weight, the years I smoked, God hated me, everybody hated me, that I was in fact worthless and other people were better than me so they got to have babies and I didn't.

I have to fight these DEMONS just about every single day! It is still hard for me to believe I am not worthless!!!!!

It was only after my miss of my little girl(s) [unconfirmed twins - started miscarrying before I could get to the doctor and after my DNC I was told it was a girl] I saw a sign in the doctors office for The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and thought... "I want to try that".

I asked and asked my "saboteur" to watch my older child, but she forgot, or was busy or whatever the reason. So I never got there. Then I noticed that the "saboteur" was losing weight and I kept telling her she looked good. One day I happened upon her little secret that she went and started with The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and didn't tell me!!!!  After hearing her LIE to people about how she was losing weight, I finally picked up the phone made and asked if it would be alright for me to bring my son to the appointments.

I started on June 22, 2010 with my 2.5 year old in tow every week. I was not working out much and still allowing everyone else to control my life with going out to eat or sucking up my time so exercising wasn't happening much. It took me 9 months to get off 40lbs!!!!! I was doing the diet but still fighting those DEMONS and wasn't working hard enough.

On the day the scale said I was down that 40lbs I was already pregnant with my 2nd son.  The diet stopped for my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to get back on the diet. I HATED seeing the scale go up and up and UP again. I was at my 6 week check up and made my appointment to start the diet again even before the official approval of my OBGYN. Of course he gave it to me and I jumped back in with two feet running.

The last few months I have surrounded myself with positive people.. well not that I see them every day, but my support group are just one text/phone call away.  I can't believe how long it took for me in this life to have friends who are REAL FRIENDS... and guess what?

Most of the people I'm talking about I knew from grammar school. We all connected again thanks to facebook and I am a much better person having them in my life than not at all. There are others who I met when I was single who are also there for me.

I do have support from my other side the of family.. not the cousins who put me on the scale, my other two who I love dearly!!!! I have forgiven the other cousins over the years, I just don't believe they knew how hurtful they were being.

This year so far has been AMAZING. I gained 70lbs being pregnant this time! If I had a yogurt I gained weight! I came home from the hospital 20lbs lighter but still full of water. By the end of Dec I was down another 20lbs.

I started the diet this time back up 30lbs from where I was last March. I am really pushing myself, I believe in myself, and I am doing this for MYSELF this time. I am so proud of myself for getting almost 30lbs off in 3 months!! The loving support and encouragement is also making a big difference.

I still fight those evil demons, but someone who loves me got me a demon protection spell

When I saw this posted tonight on someone's wall on FB I smiled. This sums up what I'm feeling. This is really important to me.



Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$