Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

Looking forward to the new year

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I have been struggling emotionally the last few months. I am not focused on anything. Most days I'm sad. I'm not making time to work out. I'm making very little time for myself. Since the end of August I have been suffering from the worst case of brooksitis I have ever had in my entire life. It has resulted in lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Not even a time machine can fix it this time.

I am going to work on small steps to change a lot of things next year. It's going to take a lot of planning and I'm not that good with planning but things need to change and I have to do the changing.

Today I finally made time to pick out frames!! I had my eyes checked in Aug and never made time to go pick out frames. Here they are


I treated myself to a new hat too
I am very proud of myself with how far I have come in a year. I know I can do this, I know I can be a better mom. I know I can get organized in my house. I know I can lose weight.

Last year  this time I couldn't wait until 2012, I feel the same way about 2013. I'm ready. I need another fresh start.

FAIL!

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I lost 1 pound this week. It's better than I did all month, but I know it's not my best. Yeah I'm mad. I'm so mad at myself right now.

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I really tried to focus on improving my life by working on how I could earn a living. Total FAILURE today!! My eyes hurt, my "itis" is acting up. Well it's really, lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy... don't know what I'm saying, then google it!

I resigned from NDIS.com I'm just not even making time to create kits or anything. I've been thinking about it for a while but wanted to talk to out with someone... I just seem to talk to myself these days about anything that's on my mind. So I made the decision to step down because I seem to drag my feet with everything, one less thing to drag my feet on the better.

I spent the rest of the day working on pricing for my photo cards, asking my friends if I could use the cards I've made for them in advertising. Then I spent time working on my Facebook page, trying to add a new tab with a special offer.

After hours of reading and trying it hit me, I have no place to sell my cards! Total fucken failure!! 

So I zipped the one mat I won Honorable Mention with Pastimes and sent it over to Inked Playmats to be put on their site.

And here I sit at 11:15pm pissed off that I focused on "work" got nothing done. Didn't work out, stuffed my face with almonds...yeah I know it could be worse.

I'm going to work out tomorrow first thing. Then I'll work on this "show the world you have a pair of balls" thing I'm suppose to be doing and try to tell myself I'm not the loser I believe I really am.