Same Sh!t different day

Haven't I been fighting the hoarding for over 8 years now? Haven't I been working on losing weight for 8 years now? I get so angry at myself that I am not in a better place, but now I'm trying to work on that voice that puts me down. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. That voice that tells me I'm no good. I hate that voice. I have listened to that voice for my whole life.

I need to get better. I need to clear my head, body, and mind. I need to do this. I want to do this. I have to make every day a work in progress and not get mad that I am not there.

Fighting with the Head of the Hoarding in our house gets me nowhere. I am so angry at him! The amount of stuff he values shocks me. He hides it. He goes through things I have thrown out to see what is in there to see if it's "still good" then hides. He had two barrels full of junk I threw away over a month ago, hiding in the back yard, then was going through the stuff I threw out this week. He would NOT stop!

I was outside fighting with him and it was somehow my fault! I'm the ass that was making a scene. I didn't want him to go through every little thing I threw away and keep it! How dare I do that! How dare I get ride of things that were taking up space. How dare I clean the house for OUR sons! That's right I made a scene, let me take my curtain call for standing up to him.

All this was going on while I was supposed to be on a zoom class I paid for. He purposely did it at that time because he didn't think I would leave the zoom class, he was wrong. I knew what he was doing. So I left the meeting to go after him.

The fighting continued once we were inside. He tried to justify everything he keeps. Let me try to paint you a picture (ha funny because I could really paint it) I will clean out a cabinet. I might pull out 4 towels that are mismatched or have holes. I will put them in a bag for the Good Will. He will look in that bag, take out the towels "because they are still good" and HIDE THEM in the living room, which he took over as a bedroom, hoarder room. There is stuff FLOOR TO CEILING. I am not lying! He has a big shelf in there that was from his storage unit it's on the far wall. It is packed with boxes and bags. I can't even get to it, because in front of it are more boxes, bags and things piled on top of all of that. There is actually a love seat in there, but you can't even see it because of the amount of stuff on top of it. There is an entertainment center, can't see that either because of everything in front of it. There is just a path, that my fat ass has to walk sideways, and I slowly move my feet because I might hit something and an avalanche might happen.

I know it's unsafe. I know we shouldn't live like this. I know it has to be cleaned out. I am doing my best every single day. A lot of the stuff I can't throw out, it's big took stuff. I don't know what to do with it. We have no storage. He has to take it somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it can't be here.

I started moving his clothes out and putting it in the boys old room. I moved some of his books. It looks like I did NOTHING! The boys and I carried out 5 bags of things to throw away and 4 to go to the Good Will and it doesn't look like we did ANYTHING.

That is what beats me down. That is what makes me cry. I'm fighting all alone here. But I am fighting. I have to clean this up or my kids will face the same life of loving crap over people.

7pm tonight I walk. Maybe I'll see my art friends on Zoom. This helps my metal health. In the mean time, I clean.

fighting for my life

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This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.

Challenge Accepted

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My girl Cheryl  has been struggling with staying on plan and eating healthy. So have I and it shows. I have been able to lose up to 10lbs a month, but so far this summer, I've lost 7lbs! Yeah I know some of you would say that's great BUT YOU'RE WRONG.

I totally felt the slipping going on in my head and little by little my work outs were less. NO I cannot let this happen. So while I was sitting in the airport yesterday waiting for my flight and texting Cheryl. I could "hear" the anxiety in her texts. She wants to fit into her wedding dress on Jan 5, 2013. And I want a NEW dress for her wedding so I told her "Challenge Accepted"

Then today my new 20 dollar winter coat came from Zulily.com which I knew wouldn't fit me yet so that's another challenge.

new coat


I am about to get the boys ready and go out for a walk/run so I'll finish blogging later.


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Here I am coming home from my late night walk/run with Twiggy.

We did 2.73 miles up and down these hills. I am so sore. Tomorrow Twiggy can't walk with me so I will either walk earlier or do a Jillian Micheals DVD.

I drank my walk ate correctly and worked out....so in other words it was a GREAT DAY!

My walking buddy

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I must say I'm shocked by the scale today. I totally didn't expect to even see it go down. When I get upset I shove food in my mouth. And I've been upset a lot lately. Even tonight... right now the roommate is fighting with Anthony.

The roommate left the door open, I closed it and asked him why he didn't close the door. In a typical child like manner he said "Anthony was the one who was behind me" Really? blaming the child for not closing the door? It's this every day stuff that has just gotten to me over the years!

Anyway I was super pleased with myself today at the weigh in despite my need to eat food when I'm mad. I'm 7.5 pounds away from my next goal.. and I'm going to push hard for these 7.5lbs and that means focus, determination and blogging every day!

If you don't see a new post by me in the morning then YELL AT ME!! Got that Cheryl? 

I went to the eye doctor today for the first time in about 20 years. Alexander was with me all day while Anthony stayed home with the saboteur.  He was so good all day with me.
I didn't know they were going to dilate my eyes. I drove home very slowly and couldn't move around because I couldn't see! I don't know how Anthony deals with his eye problems!! He had to help me walk into the kitchen to get him a drink.

I called the roommate and put it in terms he understood. GET YOUR ASS HOME I CAN'T SEE. To my surprise that worked, he got home about 5:40pm and I slept off the dizzy feeling I had from seeing blurry.

At 8pm I woke up, changed my clothes and out the door I went for a walk with Twiggy. I am so happy she lives around the corner! It's so much better to walk with someone else.

The moon was AWESOME tonight! My cell phone didn't get a good photo but it was great. I hope you got to see it if you were out tonight.

I am feeling good, strong and determined... I haven't felt this good in a few months. I want to meet this next goal before the end of the month!

Day 71 - Twiggy's BBQ

Twiggy's BBQ was fun fun fun fun.
This is what I wore, I think I look cute with my new shorts, shirt and pig tales.



I got there early to see if I could help with any last minute things. And I took photos of my two boys for Memorial Day cards.


I sat with her work friends and we talked and talked and laughed!! Mr. Grey came up.. that book seems to be every where. Also talked about working out and that Bitch Jillian Michaels.  

The roommate was suppose to be there but he got called into work. Amazing that when we have nothing to do, he doesn't have to work on Saturdays *rolls eyes*

Anthony played in the dirt all day and ran around like crazy. I think he had more fun when the other kids left, because all the adults were paying attention to him.


When it started getting dark they set up a camp fire. Then the roommate and saboteur got there. After a nice day without them, I had to deal with the two of them.




And what took place next was making steam come out of my ears until I finally lost it!

My brother, who can do no wrong, wants my moms old picnic table. The saboteur had the audacity to ask the roommate to use his work truck to bring my brother the table. The roommate starts saying how he'll need to borrow a different truck from work, the saboteur starts saying how it can just be dropped off at any time, until I finally told them both that my brother is a big boy if he wants the table rent a truck and get it.

This is wrong on so many levels!
1. why does everyone always have to help my brother?
2. how many times do I have to tell the saboteur I AM GETTING DIVORCED! She should not be asking him for any favors!
3. why does the roommate jump to help everyone else?
4. I am always invisible  around here and my feelings don't matter

We got home after 11pm and it took me and hour to scrub up my dirty boy Tony!



I got to bed around 3am!!!

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 70 - weigh in day

Big major event last night. When Alexander's alarm went off I checked him, reset it and got the book to write it down when I saw it was days since the last alarm...5 days 20 hours and 35 minutes to be exact.


Of course after all my excitement it went off 3 more times last night and once today.

This morning everyone was tired Anthony did not want to go to school and Twiggy is his new best friend! I got everyone ready, put on my new Friday "weigh in clothes" well they aren't new, the newly fit! And off to school and the doctors we went.



My home scale finally showed me down this morning. I was hoping the doctors scale would also show the same thing. I was very happy with today's weigh in. That .5lbs we couldn't explain from last week showed up as a gain in muscle this week! Down 1 point in my BMI which always makes me happy! Down 1.5lbs in fat and .5 in water. As my loveable lemon police says "woot"

Alexander had his 6 month check up, a few shots and we made it home just in time for Anthony to get home from school. We turned around and went right back out with Twiggy to go shopping at Costco for her BBQ tomorrow and I needed stuff too. Look at how packed our van is! Plus we had 3 kids with us, her niece & my two boys.


By now it was 6pm and we needed to feed the kids and then planned to meet up again to go to the dollar store and pick up a few more things at the A&P.

I can see my house from Twiggy's house so I saw the roommate wasn't home. I called him and this is what happened:

He answered the phone yelling "I AM ON THE WAY HOME!!!"
I was so taken back by him but I asked "How far away are you?" thinking he could help with the heavy stuff and Anthony couldn't wait to see him.
He yells "I AM AT THE SHOP ALRIGHT?!"
to which I replied "well then you aren't on your way home are you?"
and he screamed even more "LET ME GO, LET ME GO, ALRIGHT?!" and hangs up on me.

WTF did I do to get spoken too like that??? This is why I ended up with him. Because this is what I KNOW... this is how my father, mother, other family and even the person I used to call my "best friend" spoke to me.

Anyone being NICE was too different and I didn't believe they meant it, because I was always screamed at like this over nothing.

I went around the corner to my house, and unloaded most of the van by myself, warmed up dinner for Anthony, got a bottle for Alexander and took several deep breathes to calm down.. and then... the roommate came home, opened the door and started SCREAMING AT ME AGAIN!!!

Apparently the call didn't connect fast enough for him and he claims he was saying "hello hello hello" before he yelled at me, because I was "nasty" and said "you aren't on your way home".

He doesn't even remember how the conversation happened and I guess if you say Hello 3 times to someone the next thing you should do is YELL AT THEM!!

I told him to 'back the truck up and leave me alone" and just then Anthony stands up and starts walking backwards and beeping "Beep Beep Beep, this is the way a truck backs up Mommy" Thank goodness for some comic relief! 

I did go back out with Twiggy and got back home about 10pm. I guess putting away the wipes and cat food was too much for the roommate because after all he was taking care of Alex while I was out with Anthony. *rolls eyes*

My big exciting "buys" of the day...two sundresses from my favorite site zulily.com size XL thank you very much!



A set of yoga DVDs which I really can't wait to try! I'll be trying that beginners DVD Sunday Morning.




And of course my lemons!  It's a very silly story why lemons became my obsession, but thank goodness they did!! My life at home is mostly filled with mean people who are nasty towards me every chance they get. Nothing makes me smile more than lemons and they taste great in my water which I drink all day long! Just wish I didn't have a 3 lemon limit...maybe the lemon police will raise the limit at least for the summer so I can make lemonade.


 
I'm heading to bed now and going to read some  more in 50 Shades Darker.
And Thank you Lemon Police... you know why, I sent you a list xoxoxo
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 63, 64, 65 and 66

Well... Day 63 - Friday May 11, 2012 hit me hard. I found out that my brother made plans with my mother for mother's day. Nobody told me, nobody included me and it made me feel so left out.

I knew the roommate had nothing planned. I didn't care, I just didn't want to cook for  him. I never asked my mother to do anything, well, because I'm tired of being the one who always makes the plans. But when nobody else stepped up on Friday I asked my brother if he would like to do something just the 3 of us, I found out he made plans with her and his friend and his friend's mother. I just sat with my mouth open wondering what is wrong with me that nobody ever thinks of me?

I still feel like the kid nobody ever cared about. I cried and cried and cried after I found out I wasn't even a thought in anyone's head and worse of all, yet again my mother didn't have the decency to just tell me she made plans with my brother. It's the SHOCK of finding out that kills me.

Just like neither of them could be bothered telling me they were going away for Christmas. My mouth dropped open when my Aunt told me early in December. The B!tch didn't say a WORD to me until she was walking  out the door on Christmas Eve morning.

And another kicker that has me crying, the minute I said I didn't know if I could go to Disney she called my brother to make plans with him. They will be gone for Halloween and my son's 1st birthday!! What pisses me off with this, is when she goes with us she doesn't offer to pay for anything. When she goes with my brother she pays for the whole trip! WTF?!

Thanks to my "boyfriend" I was able to stop crying pull myself together, get Anthony on the bus and get to my doctor's for my weekly weigh in. And just like I thought the scale didn't move. I didn't feel my "new and improved DID" self much last week so I guess the work outs weren't hard enough. It's not like I ate cake all week.

I got home and made plans with Twiggy to go walking/running. It is hard as hell to run up these hills pushing a stroller, but every UP hill I run!




And Anthony is running too


After we got home, I showered and went shopping with Twiggy for her house warming party next Saturday.
Got home late, stayed up to read some more about Mr. Grey then went to bed.



Day 64 - I spent the whole day cleaning this pig pen! And it's still not spotless. I can't stand all the clutter so every day I'm picking something and cleaning it out. The roommate keeps so much crap it's just so overwhelming to clean everything up at once. And just picking up the normal stuff around here is a lot of work. I feel like we live in a shoe box.

The boy's room is so small that Anthony can't play in there because there is no room. So all the toys end up all around the house. It hit me while cleaning to SWITCH ROOMS with them.  Now I'm on a mission... and when I have a mission WATCH OUT!

By switching rooms, the roommate can't have all this crap because he won't have the room. He'll have to remove it or I'll throw it out.  And since I'm planning on getting rid of him, let him help me now move the rooms around so I don't have to do it later.

Anthony spent the day playing with my mom and she even took him to church!! Then after church Anthony wanted to go out to eat so we all went to the Chinese Buffet.

I drank water and ate peal and eat shrimp and crab legs. And of course I stuck to my 3 lemon limit



Could you please past the salt? hehehe

Came home, read some more went to bed really really late! I finished chapter 8.




Day 65 -  well you know how this is going to play out...
I slept late at least. I didn't feel like working out, I didn't feel like doing anything. I had my coffee and shake for breakfast



and I wrapped my nails all day long while taking care of Alexander while the roommate played with Anthony outside.





I broke down and started sobbing again around 6:45pm. I couldn't stop. I got up 5 times to wash my face by the tears just kept coming down. I got to spend the day and watch all the shows I recorded and wrap my nails, but I just couldn't stop feeling so bad that I was left out.

The roommate got Anthony to sleep. I had to deal with fussy Alexander who's teething, so I didn't get to bed until 2:30am.



Day 66 - I feel so much better today!! Thanks to "boyfriend" who once again cheers me up, puts a grin on my face that I can't remove and always surprises me.

I got up early, had my wake up coffee and got my work out done! (you can see my eyes are still not right from crying)




I'm very happy to say I did the whole 40 minutes of Jillian Michaels no more trouble zones! She's KILLING ME!!!!!! But I like it.

Because I got my work out in early, I did a lot today, cleaned the side of the TV and threw some of the roommate's junk out, cleaned the kitchen counter off, put all the dishes away, the bottles away, folded clothes, put them away, made dinner (well I do that every night) and even had time to play with my favorite person. I did more but I threw my list out already and I'm making my to do list for tomorrow.

I am going to try to get my work out in every morning before sleeping beauty wakes  up. Once that kid is up, he's a lot to handle.

Tomorrow is my FAVORITE day of the week and I'm hoping I don't have to kill any lemons


Now you know where I was all weekend.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 59 - the best laid plans

I had a hard time getting Anthony up for school today, because that damn roommate just can't get this boy to bed early.. that's changing tonight! I'll do it.. and soon I won't need him at all and I can file for the divorce I can't wait for!!!!

When I finally got him done and out the door he was mad because he didn't get to watch any TV. Anthony likes his play time in the morning, but if he's so tired  and can't get up, there's not play time.  I have to get him on a better schedule.

I did that crazy lady Jillian Michael's no more trouble zones while Anthony was in school.. my trouble zones are all killing me!!

Before



Sweating like a pig



I didn't take a shower because I knew I wanted to go run/walk these hills. I sent a text to Twiggy and we planned to meet at 5:30pm  Joke's on us because it's RAINING!!!

crap crap crap I really wanted a double work out, but we'll try again tomorrow.  Guess I'll call the roommate and see what time he'll be home and make him dinner..if I didn't have to feed Anthony I wouldn't bother cooking for that roommate.

See you tomorrow
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 49 - I wanna celebrate and live my life

This is my song of the day

Today I did 5 sets of 20 jumping jacks and 2 sets of 7 push ups! In January I couldn't do any of that!! In 4 short months I am seeing such a change in my attitude, my endurance and my clothes! Its really so hard for me to believe it's this simple.

You just have to push yourself a little bit at a time, THERE'S NO EXCUSE. Just get your ass up and do something for 30 minutes a day, WALK, jog in place, jumping jacks. I started out "sweatin to the oldies" because that's all I could do. Now I'm keeping up with that evil b!tch Jillian Michaels... is it just me? or does her voice get on your nerves too?? I have to mute the b!tch and put on music.

I did my work out before Anthony was even awake




I swear I just sweat buckets!!! Maybe this is how the fat is leaving my body...LOL 





I took a shower, got Anthony up, fed Alex, got Anthony ready for school then off I went for my weight in with my #1 fan Alexander. I was hoping for a good number, not an AMAZING ONE!!!! down 4.5 pounds in one week!!!!!!!! This is my best EVER! I thought 4.5 in two weeks was good.

Now I can't get too cocky, because that will just make me screw up. Plus I know I have weeks where nothing changes. But as along as I drink my water with my 3 lemon limit, work out every day, I will see my body change. Sometimes it won't be about the number on the scale but how much I can do physically.

I'm making a list of things I want to be able to do

• push ups - getting there
• sit ups
• climb a rock wall
• hang from the monkey bars
• move hand over hand from bar to bar on the monkey bars
• RUN - started running a little while walking with Twiggy
• do the crazy sparta race with Cheryl-  in 2014 sister not next year!
• and I want to hike in Zion National Park and see The Subway
  

I am hearing the Rocky Theme in my head a lot as I push to reach these physical goals. As far as the number on the scale goes, I can't believe how much it's moving down. I think I'm going to reach the goal I wanted for the YEAR by the end of July.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 45 - work out done already

Slept late, got up, fed Alex, woke Tony, fed him, threw dinner in the crock pot, Tony dressed, got him on the bus and it was ME TIME!!!!! I love this new, take no bullshit from anyone, me who works out. She awesome! Where the hell has she been all my life???? I must have been drowning her out by shoving M&Ms and chips down my mouth.

I did my 30 day shred, well I get it's 45 day shred for me...lol Before

Sweating like a pig


Took a shower, text a few friends and here I am blogging before 3pm in the afternoon with my cutie on my lap.

Too bad the weather sucks or I would call Twiggy to met us for a walk/run around the blog. So I guess I will scrap, I have to design BBQ invitations. Enjoy the rest of your Monday, see you back here tomorrow!
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$