sometimes it's hour by hour

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
Stalker people I'm not a doctor nor nutritionist. I had to learn why I struggle and why I eat. You need to figure this out on your own. Reading my blog is not going to make you lose one pound never mind 60 pounds. Get off your ass and walk around the damn block, stop drinking soda and eat less.
● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

I'm having a really shitty night. I worked out today, I ate correctly, I didn't shove food in my face. But I just don't understand what is so wrong with me, what I need to fix in order to be worth it for ANYONE!

What the hell is so wrong with me?

Why does the roommate value things over people?
Why isn't my BFF talking to me?
How can Disney world be more important than your grandson? He might not know you'll be missing his first birthday but I will.

I trying to find my value. I keep pushing through every day. I want to SCREAM that I'm scared I won't have enough money to get formula before we run out... then I feel like a loser because I charged things I shouldn't have and the only person that's hurting and worried is ME!!! 

Then that brings me right back to why isn't BFF talking to me and can't they see how much I have done for them? I'm really not worth their time??

Why won't the roommate ask his brother to list the baby cloths on ebay to help make extra money? Or why doesn't he sell some of his shit so we don't have to pay for that storage unit that is costing almost more than our rent!

Why the hell does the grandmother want to spend 300+ on tickets for a show to take Anthony but doesn't offer to pay for 1 payment of his vision therapy.. or better yet.. never ever paid to be listed on our family talk plan!

So here.. here's my stupid before and after pictures that I worked out.. big friggen deal. It doesn't even matter, fat or not I'm still invisible and worthless. And if ANYONE tells me I'm not you're lying!

If your parents don't think you have worth and if the guys you have fallen in love with don't find value in you to work things out.. you are worthless! A wrench has more value in this house than I do.

And every single day my friend of almost 30 years won't talk to me, it kills all the positive things they were saying that I was starting to believe... but that had to be a lie, because I'm not even worth a text back!


I even hate this blog tonight. I hate the colors. I hate lemons!

The silver lining????

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
Kym and/or Cameron I would like to know why you have me blocked on Facebook, we haven't spoke in a year, yet you're stalking my blog. Do you want to know about the baby neither of you could be bothered congratulating me on???  Does it give you pleasure to see my life falling apart? Or is it that you're jealous that I have lost weight?
Whatever your reason I think the saying goes "You either want to me be or do me"
 Enjoy reading my drama..I'll make sure to leave you notes every day until your IP address and your town stop shopping up that visit.. how do I know? Because one of you had the balls to sign up to get my posts via email, which showed your info! 

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
 
I'm trying to recover from yesterday. It was really hard on me. My cousin Chris posted today that we need to look for the silver lining today in his post on Facebook.

I see the lining from the events of Sept 1, I'm getting help I need with the kids.

But could someone please tell me the silver lining with the one who is shutting me out? With all the damn chaos going on that is on my mind 24/7. When some people get mad at me and we stop talking I could care less, but this one really hurts. I don't want this friendship to be over.

Anyway.....Anthony off to school


Alexander after some therapy

Got him down for a nap and did a workout. My thighs and shoulders are burning. I must switch DVDs next work out.

I had 40 minutes after my work out before Anthony came home, so I CRIED!! I cried and cried and cried and I still feel like crying. This worthless feeling just doesn't go away. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why those I love don't love me back. I want to know how to fix myself and love myself. Why do I choose the wrong men? Will I be able to teach my boys to be more understanding towards woman. How am I going to keep going when I feel so bad inside.

I keep telling myself I'm worth it, I keep telling myself I can fight. Right now I feel lied too. I thought someone had my back. I thought they understood. I needed that extra support because when I don't believe in myself, they believed in me. My cell phone still hasn't sent the text I wish it would. It must be broken. Nobody could be that cruel to ignore every idea I suggested for our stupid stupid problems. I need to know what the silver lining is with ending an almost 30 year friendship!!! What am I suppose to learn that I haven't learned yet?

I'm going to fold clothes and try to get them away, make a shopping list and my to do list for tomorrow, because that's all I'm good for according to the roommate.

I have my weigh in tomorrow and it's going to be the same as last week. When I'm stressed and upset like this, my body doesn't change. I did cheat over the weekend but nothing so bad that the scale shouldn't move however it hasn't.

I'm a very emotional person!

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

My moods are directly effected by the ones closest to me. And when there is too much chaos I'm in that black hole!!  Yeah I don't really want to hear I shouldn't let them bother me, because if I had figured that out I wouldn't have shoved food in my mouth all these years and I wouldn't be the moody bitch from hell that I am.

One of my BIGGEST problems is the roommate's hoarding!!! I feel like the house is falling in on me. I'm too overwhelmed with all of it, I can't figure out what to do or how to handle it. I have had people tell me throw it all out, but he goes ape shit and is scarey when you throw out his stuff... yeah yeah I can hear you guys.. call the police? Sure I call the police he gets pulled out of here, Anthony is screaming and crying, it'll be a scene. Then fine he's out.. then he'll go sleep on his Aunt's sofa or something. My biggest fear is that his family will make him cut off the money. And it's the boys who will suffer the most. I have to do this carefully and slowly.

I have been trying to clean the dining room for almost 2 weeks and it doesn't look like I did ANYTHING!!! I keep taking before pictures and there isn't one "AFTER" photo yet. Lets see how I do today.

Here is the dining room last week.




Here is the dining room today and I swear it's worse!




After 3 hours of sorting and folding and putting away here's what I had.




The minute the table was free of the clutter Anthony asked me to build him train tracks. I wonder if there's a job out there for me building train sets :-) That took me another hour to put the track together and make the bridges.




Then I continued to sort the ton of clothes.  From left to right; size 24 months/ 2t - size 12 & 18 months - to sell on ebay - stuff I want to keep and the basket in the bottom right corner is to get rid of ASAP.




What you can't see on the other side of the table are boxes from the roommate filled with stupid stuff that he thinks is important. I opened one box to see what was in there. No surprise books and junk.




That little box on the left of the above picture has this shit in it. Do you think ANY of that is important? I bet only 5 or so things are worth saving. Look there's a pen, key chain, blots, plastic wrappers from something, pieces of wire  and papers.  THIS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM!!! This is the crap that is in his storage unit. Look under that yellow paper in the plastic bag down on the right, under that is a scratched off lottery.



I could just throw it out but I don't want to suffer any more drama. His screaming at Anthony is more than I can handle. So I'm going to make him just move this crap to his storage unit tomorrow or Sunday.

I have a plan for that stupid storage unit too. Next year when I do the taxes, I'm making him open his own bank account and putting money in it. . I will also set up his pay check to deposit some money into that account as well. I will change the storage unit to come out of that account. I will tell him that his account, he can do whatever he wants with it.  Give it some time and he'll blow through that money and won't have enough for his storage unit and I don't give a crap what happens after that!! He needs his own account and needs to learn how to take care of his money.

I somehow did the dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned off the counter, fed the kids, sorted more clothes, bagged up 2 bags to give away, another 2 baskets of clothes to give to someone who needs clothes and then......

Anthony asked "Can we go to the park?" it was just about 7pm at this point. I opened the back door, decided it wasn't too hot and packed the cooler with drinks. The bags of clothes to get rid of went in the van. I sent the roommate and Anthony off to do that and then go to the park, while I pushed Alexander in the stroller for 1 1/2 hours!!! which equals 3 miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did a drive around the blocks to figure out a route that equaled a mile. I ended up with 1.3 miles. I was running out of daylight but really was pushing to get the last round done. But when Alex started crying I knew he needed to be fed so I didn't finish the last loop around the dead end. If I had finished I would have done 3.9 miles but since I didn't finish I'm estimating it was 3 miles or so.

Some of it I ran but mostly I walked. I was so grateful for all the people who water their lawn at night. I parked the stroller and ran through the sprinklers. Talk about sweating like a pig. My legs are BURNING but I feel sooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!! 

When my phone went off and I heard "wwoo hoo text message" that just pushed me more. I'm amazed how when those who matter most to me are around how much better I feel. I think it proves I need to get away from the saboteur and the roommate who bring me down!!! Oh and lets add my brother into that mix too!!!

I am also thrilled to report I stayed 100% on my diet plan! Go me! What a day. I have plans to push myself again tomorrow. Work more on the dining room, swim with the kids and walk again. And most of all I can't wait to hear my phone say "wooo hoo text message" all day long! GOT THAT?????????



 

I'm stuck...

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

I thought I was stalled, but it's more like I'm sitting at a red light. Oh how I wish I was speeding through the light, but that's just not the case.I can't seem to find my motivation.

Somehow after the Christening and my long weekend away my mojo just vanished for everything. I can't seem to find it.

I recognize I do better when I have a goal so I have a few cute dresses 1 or 2 sizes too small but it doesn't seem like enough to get me out of this funk.

I guess that's why you should have a work out partner so when one of you feels like this, the other can push you.

Every day I tell myself I'll get back on track, stick to my diet plan and work out, but every day I fall on my face. I really am an emotional eater. I know it, I see it when it's happening, I just don't know how to stop it!!!! And right now I'm so very sad over so many things. I just can't shake it off. This is when I say that big black hole has me, this time it feels really deep.

When I get like this I see how stuck I am in my current life and how I just don't seem to have the time to make something of myself and work on any of the things I know I can make some real money from.  I haven't even had time to work on any of my scrapping duties on ndisb.com, I'm even thinking I should just give it up.

I'm lost and I don't know how to get myself back on track. I need a kick in my big fat ass!

I changed the look of my blog in hopes it will be a fresh start and get me out of this.

One last question for someone out there... why would you sign up to receive my blog posts if you haven't spoken to me in 8 months?

Day 84 - Karma just hit you in the pinky toe

My fat ass some how lost 3 more pounds this week, maybe in my pinky toe. I don't know how and I feel undeserving. I only got in one hour of working out. I've been stressed, upset and crying for days...over all just a big mess, even my hair hurts.

I talked to my doctor about how I have been feeling and guess what I have to do? Test my blood sugar because he thinks it might be dropping!

That's new, dropping is not the issue I used to have. So I'll get my tester out and get it ready for when I feel wacky. I need something to blame for my moodiness and low blood sugar sounds GREAT! Otherwise I have to blame someone else but karma just smacked them in the pinky toe for me and I grinned!

I hate this t-shirt, I should have worn one of my new shirts. I guess I should just pack up that bottom draw of shirts and get rid of them.  I wore my shorts to the doctors today and then to do my errands. I haven't worn shorts out of the house in years! No decades!! The last time I wore shorts out of the house was when I lived in Clifton.


I can hear the voices in my head telling me "you can't go out like that", "you can't wear shorts", "you can't have your arms out", "you can't have your legs out", "YOU LOOK HORRIBLE" those voices are followed by "You'll be pretty if you only lose weight" I wish I could just shut them up but I don't think they will ever go away.

When the roommate gets home we are going out to Target with the kids. I need to get formula for Alexander and Anthony wants to "shop" I really would like a new mirror for the back of the bedroom door too but then you'd see the hoarder's mess more!

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Days 79, 80, 81 and 82

OMG I'm almost done with my first 90 challenge and I'm a major slacker at the end. I didn't plan it this way, I thought I would be ready for my son's Christening not trying to get everything done in the last two weeks.

Sunday May 27 - Day 79

I took Anthony to Rachel's birthday party, monster mini golf. He had a great time with the games but didn't do to well with the golf part. He did like that we were glowing :-)


I had to run to the A&P after the party, no wonder the roommate said I'm having and affair when I go to the A&P I'm there ALL THE TIME! It would help if he put things on the list so I wouldn't have to keep stopping there. In fact it's usually him that calls and says "on your way home can you stop at the A&P"

I changed my clothes when I got home and worked the rest of the day on the Christening Video Montage for the Christening, in between cooking dinner and feeding Alexander. Another day he just couldn't be in charge and let me do what I do.

Here is some of the messages I sent out on Sunday when the roommate was stressing me out.

•  if a small bottle holds 4oz and a large bottle holds 8oz and Alex has 5oz per feeding...what size bottle do you use?

• if it's 2oz of water per scoop of formula and you use 3 scoops, how many oz of water do you add to the bottle?

By the end of the day Anthony started with a runny nose and being stuffy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday May 28 - Day 80

Monday I was determined to get the video DONE! I sent the roommate out on a mission. I wrote down all the directions and went over it 4x. See if you can follow me...

Go to Toys R Us

1. Get Anthony paint, make sure it has white and black in it.
2. Get him paper, look for a roll like we had or get the largest pad they make.
3. Look for new swings for our swing set. I saw the infant swing in Babies R Us, I'm sure they have it at Toys R Us, get a new infant swing and a regular swing. 
4. Use the Gift Cards (hand him $100 in gift cards)
5. Go to Dunkin Donuts get me a Decaf Iced Raspberry Coffee, cream no sugar.

He called a few times to check and double check on things, which is normal. If I write it down, if he writes it down, doesn't matter he is incapable of completing any task without double checking because he is so unsure of himself.

He called about the paint, then the swing...I figured it would be the coffee he messed up on, he would forget the Raspberry part, because after all it's only been my favorite flavor (unless it's pumpkin time) for the whole time we've been together, why would he remember what I like.

He came home, coffee was correct, had the paint, the paper, the swings.. wow! he did good...I asked him "How much was left on the gift cards?"
And there it was.. that's what he did wrong. He used our dept card to pay for all of it.
I did NOT have buying swings in our budget, I couldn't even let it go, he had to go back and make them credit our account and use the gift cards!!!
Well it's Wednesday and our dept card still hasn't been credited back the money he spent.  Guess I'll be calling Toys R Us.

I finished the video and sent it off to my cousin to check it. I just needed to take a few more pictures I wanted for the last song.

Anthony still had a runny nose so I decided to keep him home on Tuesday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tuesday May 29 - Day 81  
Anthony slept Monday night with Nonna, you know her as the saboteur. Alexander had a 11am eye doctor appointment to check for the eye condition that Anthony has. I was trying not to get nervous and knew if he did have it, it would mean glasses and patches. I've been there and done that, but I was still worried.

The saboteur calls me at 9am to tell me she's sick *cough cough* with stomach pains *cough cough* and a a fever.. BUT SHE'S COUGHING!! No sore throat??? DRAMA!!! Every time she's sick with anything, all of the sudden she can't talk and has a sore throat! Guess what you can be sick and still talk, you don't have to make yourself sound like DEATH. 

When  I hear FEVER... if I think she's faking or not.. stay the HELL AWAY FROM MY PREEMIE!! My baby still gets shots to help him with his immune system. It's one thing to have mommy's germs who he's with every day, it's another to have crazy lady germs who says she has a fever.

I packed up what I needed, got everything in the van and went to get Anthony. She asks like death *cough cough* "I'm coming wait for me". I told her to say home, call the doctor and there was no way she was going near Alexander with a fever.  She says "Well how are you going to handle them" to which I snapped at her "The same way I always do, they are my boys I'll handle it" and left with the kids.

How am -I- going to handle it? She clearly doesn't see everything I'm doing for these two! If she had to take me or my brother to all the doctors like I have to take my boys from such an early age I don't think she would handle it well. She didn't seem to handle it well when my brother had ear infections all the time. She would get mad that he got sick in the middle of the night and threw up.

Anyway little Mr. Alexander is in the clear, no sign of amblyopia.



Tuesday night I went to work out and the AC wasn't working in the living room. No way I could work out with how hot it was. The roommate who's usually good for nothing, some how got it working again but it was late and my stupid fat ass decided to finish the video instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday May 30 - Day 82

My plans in the morning were to drink my coffee and shake while watching the video one more time while giving Alexander his bottle. I did that... but then I just didn't like the song I used when Alexander came home from the hospital. So I spent all day AGAIN reworking the damn thing!

I did manage to put chicken in the crock pot and make my boys dinner while working on the montage AGAIN!!  Even Alex was watching what I was doing and I snapped this picture of him. So cute I ended the video with it.


At 3pm I'm happy to report the video montage was finished and ordered!!!! Wanna watch Alexander's Video Montage of his little life? click here

Anthony had a birthday party this evening at Chuck E. Cheese. I got the boys ready and we left at 5:30pm to get up there. I'm so glad the mom wasn't worried with Anthony having a runny nose.. but it has gotten better and I'm sending him to school tomorrow!

I got home about 9pm the boys both had a bath, went on Facebook for a bit and yelled at myself that I didn't work out again today! However while at the birthday party everyone was eating that...

And I ate this...


I might not be working out as much as I like this week, but I've been to two birthday parties and I did not eat anything I shouldn't.

And one last note to myself, since this blog is about my whole journey and my emotions are a big part of why I got like this...
Dear Lemon Police,
if the saboteur has upset me, and the roommate is pissing me off, haven't you learned by now, one wrong comment and I'm going to be a big crying mess?

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 47 - Art Show

 I can't stop smiling from this wonderful day.  I knew I had to get my work out in before I left to help at my son's school. This morning I had to get a file over to Twiggy and then I was making plans for the tournament I'm going to in July, I was so busy I forgot to take my before picture.

It took me longer than I thought to get myself ready and pack everything I needed for the day, but when I was finally dressed and ready to walk out of the house I FELT GREAT IN MY NEW CLOTHES. When I walked into the school gym, Anthony's aid said she hadn't seen me in a long time and I looked great. I really love that people are noticing, it really makes me want to work harder. I felt so good, that I swear I even felt taller. I walked around help set up and did whatever they asked me to do.


When the saboteur got there with my Aunt and Uncle she would make this pissy face every time someone said they could see how much weight I lost.

When my friend Denise's sister and parents got there, the saboteur actually walked away with her pissy face. I had such a GRIN because I knew it was eating at her. She just loves to tell me how fat I am but she can't really do that with everyone else saying they can see the change.

Boyfriend told me to ask to borrow her clothes and then give them back and say they are too big. I think what happen tonight was better! But I will sneak into her room and put on a pair of her jeans to check to see if they are too big. Then I'll be doing the happy dance :-)

You might be wondering why it's such a big deal about her. In 2009 I found this doctor I asked her for MONTHS to watch Anthony for me to go and see what it was about. She was too busy, or she forgot, or she had things to do. Meanwhile she was losing weight and looking good and every time she had on something new I told her she looked good. Her replies were always something nasty like "I'm starving myself" or "I go to be hungry" crap like that. She was saying this to other people too. I don't know why it's so hard to say "Thank you, I'm working hard"

One day I was out of milk so I went into her apartment to borrow some. In her refrigerator was all these bottles of shakes. I took one out, looked at it and read that it was from The Center for Medical Weight Loss. I went back upstairs and cried and cried. I couldn't believe she was that much of a B!TCH to actually go to the doctor I had been trying to get too. And this is not the first time she did this to me with a diet.

She SCREAMED at me in 6th grade when I was 100lbs and had started developing in 2nd grade and hit puberty by 4th! By 6th grade when all my friends were just starting to get boobs, I was done growing and a kid in a woman's body with a C cup. I was NOT FAT! I know that now, but I didn't know it then. She put me on a diet making me eat things I still hate. She swore she would do the diet with me.

One day she forgot to pack the dressing for my salad in my lunch, because she was a teacher in the school I was in, I went to the teachers room to ask her for some of her dressing. I hoped the door to the teachers room, looked for her and saw her sitting there having Chinese food and not the gross salad she packed for me. I looked at her, started to cry and walked out. She didn't come after me, she didn't talk to me that night and that was the end of that diet. I had a sandwich the next day.

There is something wrong with this woman. This is not how you should act with your children. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my children, especially when it comes to their health. All of you who know all the details of my two boys know that's true. I need to be healthy enough to raise them, I need to be a good roll model. The have to learn good habits from me! 

Back to the Art Show...I am going to have to give in and say boyfriend is right, people are sensing my confidence because several people (mostly guys) were asking about the frames and how much.  One guy was talking to me so long that his wife came over and gave him a dirty look. I thought it was funny! I was pushing around a baby in a stroller after all.

We took a few pictures of my little artist. Here he is holding up his Andy Warhol inspired sponge painting of his name and a few favorite letters.

And this is my favorite of me and my little artist. He even has a Wubbzy Artist eye patch on.

 I posted this on facebook tonight to brag about my little masterpiece. I was NOT expecting the comments that followed:

Cousin Chris posts: Look how skinny his mom is getting!!!! I saw you 3 - 4 weeks ago, and you've definitely lost visibly since then!
Cheryl said: MAria: you look aawesome!!!!
Cousin Arlena said: You really look great in this pix! Great job!
Cara said: Oh my heck, girlie.... you look fantastic!
Jenn said: you are the incredible shrinking woman....just amazing!
Kelly M. said: you look amazing, keep up the good work!!!

And the grin from their comments and likes has been on my face for HOURS!! Even when the roommate started fighting with me, I started fighting back, but then stopped myself and said "You are NOT worth it" because he couldn't find WIPES when the whole case was on the floor next to him!


And the last BIG thing of today, The Center for Medical Weight Loss asked me "Do you mind if we post your pic to give everyone a bit of encouragement?" and "Would also love to have you on our main site as a Success Story!"
 I told them I'm not a success yet!!! I'm a "getting there" story

See you tomorrow after I do my work out!!! And again I can't wait to do it. I am going to add in a little of the ab dvd too, then I'll really be sweating like a pig.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 33 - Alexander and the Monitor

Today was a big important day here. Alexander had a follow up appointment with his heart doctor about the monitor he is on. I got all of us ready and in the van. Anthony even put the seat belt on his horses Giddy Up & Jumper.






When I arrived I was given a bill over 1,000 that the insurance didn't cover!! And that's when I headache started!!! These doctor bills are killing us.

The doctor examined Alexander, he asked me some questions and reviewed the monitor downloads. My little guy is still having breathing episodes so the monitor will be staying on another 2 months at least. And he might want to do a sleep study on him. I have to call if Alexander has any bad episodes. They are all bad to me!





I called my aunt on the way home to see if there was any more news about the tragic death of my younger cousin. At that point she still didn't know anything more than what was on the news and listed on nj.com.

Anthony decided he was going to play in the sink while I was feeding Alex. When I got up to see how much of a mess he made, I decided to film some of it and the little monkey made it RAIN. If for some reason you can't see the rain video just click here to view it.

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

Shortly after that my mom called from her trip to find out how Alexander did at the doctors. It was very hard to hold it together and not tell her. She started crying when I told her the monitor was staying on for another 2 months. We are making the right call not telling her. By now my headache was really bad and all I could think about was eating the left over chocolate cake from Easter.

I sent out several SOS texts for help because I knew I wasn't strong enough on my own to control myself. I know I'm an emotional eater and I'm having a hard time. Cheryl and Jenn came to the rescue with support and both of them told me to throw it away. Cheryl sang me a song and Jenn told me to think of ya-yas....which if you don't know what it is, I'm not telling ;-)

Anthony wanted to watch a movie and I wanted to lay down, so it was a win win. My aunt called just as we were getting settled for our movie/nap time to tell me the autopsy came back. He died from a brain aneurysm. Now we just have to wait to hear about the funeral plans.

The roommate came home about 6:30pm and I took a nap! I ended up getting a late workout in, but I did do it! Here's my before and after pictures.




It was another long and stressful day and I really missed hearing from my favorite boyfriend, but glad my other boyfriend and friends were around to help me deal.

It's almost 1:30am I have to give Alex a bottle and get to bed! Even Anthony is still up leaning over my shoulder watching me blog. He just said "Mom those pictures look gorgeous

I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 21 - Help! The bread is trying to get me

Another holiday is approaching and the smell of home made Easter bread is climbing up into my 2nd floor apartment. I am having a very hard time fight off the urge to have warm bread and butter! It's like this for me.
When it comes to bread and butter I am weak!!! I LOVE BREAD AND BUTTER!! I have been fighting it off like Wonder Woman and her bulletproof bracelets. The saboteur brought up 3 small loaves for Anthony to eat. The only reason I controlled myself is because that ticker over there is so close to the end. I don't know if I will have another great weigh in on Friday but I have been giving it my best and don't want bread to mess up my goal.

Then my saboteur asked if she could take me to Calandra's for my birthday for dinner. JUST SHOOT ME NOW!! The food is amazing, I can't pass it up. That's were Alexander's Christening is being held. I'm working so hard to get into that size 18, I can't go, I told her no because I was taking Anthony to Target. I just can't eat a lot of food on April 4 for my birthday, then on April 7 when I am with my cousin, and then on April 8 for Easter. NO, NO, NO I WON'T DO IT!

I need to stay forced on getting off these last 2.5 pounds on my first goal. I'm so tired today, I haven't been sleeping well at night. I get to sleep fine but jump up around 2am like there is a fire in the house. Then I toss and turn trying to get back to sleep until about 5am. If I didn't challenge myself to this 90 challenge I would totally be SKIPPING today. But I have to push myself. I'm so close to my very first goal. And I'm so proud of myself too. I gave myself until Alexander's Christening in June to lose everything I gained back with him. I'm 2 months ahead of schedule.

Time to move my big fat @$$ so it doesn't stay fat!
Here's my little guy cheering me on. I turned around to check on him and he had his eyes locked on me.

Done! sweating like a pig. Those bicycle crunches at the end of this work out are a damn killer!
Wish me luck on my weigh in tomorrow. I get so nervous...well more like excited kind of nervous. I can't wait to start a new countdown ticker with a new goal!
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 12 - how I got from there to here

I saw this on Cheryl's FB page and really started thinking about it.



Yes I overeat in fact I really have to ask myself if I'm hungry or just bored. I listen for that grumble now and sometimes I can feel my blood sugar DROP so I know I have to eat or I'm going to pass out.

Admitting I overeat was easy to say, but when I thought about WHY I do it, I felt that knot in the back of my throat and the tears forming. If you are told over and over that you weren't wanted, you are worthless, you'll never be anything...YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!! If there are only a FEW in your life telling you otherwise you DON'T believe them!!!

I turned to food as a comfort very early, but the emotional and physical abuse I was growing up with started YEARS before I started eating pop tarts. And then what happened was my circle of abusers grew as my weight went up.

I will never forget being picked up and carried to the scale for some of my cousins to see how much I weighed and then make fun at me during a family BBQ and NOT ONE ADULT to them to stop.

I continued to eat any time I was upset with what was happening in my life. I gained a lot when my parents were fighting over sending me to college, I gained even more when my 1st husband left me. I started getting my life back on track and lost weight when I turned 30.

In my 30's I was working crazy, long hours making little money, met my 2nd husband and my weight started going up and up and up and OMFG UP!!!!!!! Needless to say I have been VERY UNHAPPY.

And after my miscarriage in '09 I could feel myself spiral totally out of control. I blamed myself, my weight, the years I smoked, God hated me, everybody hated me, that I was in fact worthless and other people were better than me so they got to have babies and I didn't.

I have to fight these DEMONS just about every single day! It is still hard for me to believe I am not worthless!!!!!

It was only after my miss of my little girl(s) [unconfirmed twins - started miscarrying before I could get to the doctor and after my DNC I was told it was a girl] I saw a sign in the doctors office for The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and thought... "I want to try that".

I asked and asked my "saboteur" to watch my older child, but she forgot, or was busy or whatever the reason. So I never got there. Then I noticed that the "saboteur" was losing weight and I kept telling her she looked good. One day I happened upon her little secret that she went and started with The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and didn't tell me!!!!  After hearing her LIE to people about how she was losing weight, I finally picked up the phone made and asked if it would be alright for me to bring my son to the appointments.

I started on June 22, 2010 with my 2.5 year old in tow every week. I was not working out much and still allowing everyone else to control my life with going out to eat or sucking up my time so exercising wasn't happening much. It took me 9 months to get off 40lbs!!!!! I was doing the diet but still fighting those DEMONS and wasn't working hard enough.

On the day the scale said I was down that 40lbs I was already pregnant with my 2nd son.  The diet stopped for my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to get back on the diet. I HATED seeing the scale go up and up and UP again. I was at my 6 week check up and made my appointment to start the diet again even before the official approval of my OBGYN. Of course he gave it to me and I jumped back in with two feet running.

The last few months I have surrounded myself with positive people.. well not that I see them every day, but my support group are just one text/phone call away.  I can't believe how long it took for me in this life to have friends who are REAL FRIENDS... and guess what?

Most of the people I'm talking about I knew from grammar school. We all connected again thanks to facebook and I am a much better person having them in my life than not at all. There are others who I met when I was single who are also there for me.

I do have support from my other side the of family.. not the cousins who put me on the scale, my other two who I love dearly!!!! I have forgiven the other cousins over the years, I just don't believe they knew how hurtful they were being.

This year so far has been AMAZING. I gained 70lbs being pregnant this time! If I had a yogurt I gained weight! I came home from the hospital 20lbs lighter but still full of water. By the end of Dec I was down another 20lbs.

I started the diet this time back up 30lbs from where I was last March. I am really pushing myself, I believe in myself, and I am doing this for MYSELF this time. I am so proud of myself for getting almost 30lbs off in 3 months!! The loving support and encouragement is also making a big difference.

I still fight those evil demons, but someone who loves me got me a demon protection spell

When I saw this posted tonight on someone's wall on FB I smiled. This sums up what I'm feeling. This is really important to me.



Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$