Day 35 - I made it through the day, NOW I'M CRYING

Sometimes I don't know how I got here, and other times like today, I can still feel that pathetic sad little girl inside of me who longed to have her parents treat her like they treated her brother, to have someone see how much I was hurting and help her through life. I wish I had someone to guide me, tell me I was strong enough, tell me I could do it, show me how I could do it.

I used to want a time machine to go back to get that boyfriend I'm always talking about, but I need the time machine to go back and help little me grow up. She needs to know she's strong, she doesn't need food to shove in her mouth when she was scared, lonely or insecure. The first people who came into my life and told me I was worth something didn't show up until I was 19 years old. I could have used them around age 5 when I started hearing how fat I was.

Today I started out feeling good about myself, I even took a picture in the bathroom and thought I'm starting to look good. My brother who never normally doesn't have anything nice to say to me, said I was looking good.



I did so much better at the wake than I thought I would, I think mostly because it was a closed casket. My cousin looked so drained, I don't know how he is holding it together, I would be in the next room in the other casket if one of my boys died. I still cry over the babies I should have had but didn't make it to term.

So many people, so many flowers. One set of flowers was from another student who went to college with my younger cousin, the card said something like "You are among the stars" and it was from someone in his astronomy class.

I ordered flowers yesterday, because I know that's what my mom would have done. I made sure it said Great Nephew on the ribbon for her.


When everyone left at 4:30, my brother, my boys and I stayed a few more minutes and took pictures of the flowers and all the photos around the room to show our mom. When my mom gets home from her trip next week it's going to be hard for her that she wasn't here, but there was no way to get her home from where she was in time for tomorrow's funeral.

I got back home at 5:25pm, just enough time to have a shake, get Anthony a snack, change Alexander, put a show on for them to watch, fix my hair and make up, text a few people until Ed got home from work. He watched the boys tonight so I didn't have to bring them with me again. I should have left him instructions on how to take care of his boys!! He gets a big F

More people were there tonight, a lot of cousins from my mom's side. Even my cousin Chris, the one who cooked me dinner last Saturday was there.

We started heading home around 9:45pm, when my brother decided it was a good idea to start talking about the problems between us. Our relationship is never going to go back to the way it was, and frankly I don't want to talk about what happen because I resent him over it.

Then that pathetic sad little girl in me showed up!!! I think I should go back to therapy or boyfriend should mail that demon fighting card to me so I can handle when pathetic sad little girl comes back. Somehow he made me feel like it's my fault and I didn't even remember some of the things he said, or the order in which he said they happened. His problem with me and my problem with him are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS!

Listen I'm not saying I didn't play a part in what went down between us, but I don't need to write myself notes to remember to say THANK YOU to people who help me, like he had to do to remember to say thank you to me. See how unimportant I am to my immediate family!!??

When you hear me say Thank you and I love you, I mean it! When I love, I love with All my Love All My Life

In case I didn't say it this week, THANK YOU, to the ones I'm closest with.
Thank you for helping me through this week.
Thank you for stopping me from eating the chocolate cake.
Thank you for sending text messages.
Thank you for sending jokes.
Thank you for the phone calls and facebook posts.

When I finally got in around 11:20pm, sure enough, the roommate, still had both boys up. Come on *smacks head* how could he not get that Anthony needed to be in bed hours ago? He really needs instructions on how to take care of his boys.

I didn't care what time it was, I needed to work out. I needed to shake pathetic sad little me out and get strong me back. So with my makeup still on, I did my jumping jacks, crunches, reverse crunches, push ups, butt kicks and squats with that evil Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.  I have been doing this 30 days, and there is still a lot more of me to shred but hey I got my dress zipped!!





Even when I got out of the shower, Anthony still wasn't settled and in bed. It's going to be hard, but I can do a much better job alone than with the roommate's help.. Hey wait didn't I rename him The Stranger last night?

 Speaking of last night, I ended up staying up until  5am watching Firefly because my boyfriend told me too *wink* in order to finishing my part of the scrap kit for the Amazing Digital Scrap Race, which will be starting on May 1st on ndisb.com. I have to admit I did eat some bread and butter for a snack while working. Here is what I worked on.






I didn't get much sleep, but I normally don't anyway with the baby's alarm going off all the time. I'm heading to bed right now and will be up in 5 short hours to get ready for the funeral.


Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$