Same Sh!t different day

Haven't I been fighting the hoarding for over 8 years now? Haven't I been working on losing weight for 8 years now? I get so angry at myself that I am not in a better place, but now I'm trying to work on that voice that puts me down. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. That voice that tells me I'm no good. I hate that voice. I have listened to that voice for my whole life.

I need to get better. I need to clear my head, body, and mind. I need to do this. I want to do this. I have to make every day a work in progress and not get mad that I am not there.

Fighting with the Head of the Hoarding in our house gets me nowhere. I am so angry at him! The amount of stuff he values shocks me. He hides it. He goes through things I have thrown out to see what is in there to see if it's "still good" then hides. He had two barrels full of junk I threw away over a month ago, hiding in the back yard, then was going through the stuff I threw out this week. He would NOT stop!

I was outside fighting with him and it was somehow my fault! I'm the ass that was making a scene. I didn't want him to go through every little thing I threw away and keep it! How dare I do that! How dare I get ride of things that were taking up space. How dare I clean the house for OUR sons! That's right I made a scene, let me take my curtain call for standing up to him.

All this was going on while I was supposed to be on a zoom class I paid for. He purposely did it at that time because he didn't think I would leave the zoom class, he was wrong. I knew what he was doing. So I left the meeting to go after him.

The fighting continued once we were inside. He tried to justify everything he keeps. Let me try to paint you a picture (ha funny because I could really paint it) I will clean out a cabinet. I might pull out 4 towels that are mismatched or have holes. I will put them in a bag for the Good Will. He will look in that bag, take out the towels "because they are still good" and HIDE THEM in the living room, which he took over as a bedroom, hoarder room. There is stuff FLOOR TO CEILING. I am not lying! He has a big shelf in there that was from his storage unit it's on the far wall. It is packed with boxes and bags. I can't even get to it, because in front of it are more boxes, bags and things piled on top of all of that. There is actually a love seat in there, but you can't even see it because of the amount of stuff on top of it. There is an entertainment center, can't see that either because of everything in front of it. There is just a path, that my fat ass has to walk sideways, and I slowly move my feet because I might hit something and an avalanche might happen.

I know it's unsafe. I know we shouldn't live like this. I know it has to be cleaned out. I am doing my best every single day. A lot of the stuff I can't throw out, it's big took stuff. I don't know what to do with it. We have no storage. He has to take it somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it can't be here.

I started moving his clothes out and putting it in the boys old room. I moved some of his books. It looks like I did NOTHING! The boys and I carried out 5 bags of things to throw away and 4 to go to the Good Will and it doesn't look like we did ANYTHING.

That is what beats me down. That is what makes me cry. I'm fighting all alone here. But I am fighting. I have to clean this up or my kids will face the same life of loving crap over people.

7pm tonight I walk. Maybe I'll see my art friends on Zoom. This helps my metal health. In the mean time, I clean.

My blog is a mess, I'm a mess

I haven't done anything right for myself this year. It has been the most stressful year of my life. When I'm stressed I eat.  I don't want to be fat, I don't want to be a mess. But I am. Now slowly I have to fight back. I need to stop asking myself WHY can't I do it. And just do it.
in 2012 I was focused and lost 70lbs. So I know I can do this. I just don't have the support team I did then, I'm more alone. So I really need to find my strength again.
The kids start school next week. I have to walk my youngest to the bus stop. That's up and down a hill 2x a day. I'll track it with my app next week. The walking will help.
Today I'm just sticking to the plan that works for me. And I plan on coming here to blog to you.. to myself. I don't feel good right now and I want to. So that's my focus. I need to get myself out of this mess I'm in.
Maria

Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

fighting for my life

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This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.

FAIL!

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I lost 1 pound this week. It's better than I did all month, but I know it's not my best. Yeah I'm mad. I'm so mad at myself right now.

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I really tried to focus on improving my life by working on how I could earn a living. Total FAILURE today!! My eyes hurt, my "itis" is acting up. Well it's really, lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy... don't know what I'm saying, then google it!

I resigned from NDIS.com I'm just not even making time to create kits or anything. I've been thinking about it for a while but wanted to talk to out with someone... I just seem to talk to myself these days about anything that's on my mind. So I made the decision to step down because I seem to drag my feet with everything, one less thing to drag my feet on the better.

I spent the rest of the day working on pricing for my photo cards, asking my friends if I could use the cards I've made for them in advertising. Then I spent time working on my Facebook page, trying to add a new tab with a special offer.

After hours of reading and trying it hit me, I have no place to sell my cards! Total fucken failure!! 

So I zipped the one mat I won Honorable Mention with Pastimes and sent it over to Inked Playmats to be put on their site.

And here I sit at 11:15pm pissed off that I focused on "work" got nothing done. Didn't work out, stuffed my face with almonds...yeah I know it could be worse.

I'm going to work out tomorrow first thing. Then I'll work on this "show the world you have a pair of balls" thing I'm suppose to be doing and try to tell myself I'm not the loser I believe I really am. 

No work out today...

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I really don't know where the days go. This summer is flying by. I was working on a contest most of the day and I have nothing to show for it!! I am too picky with my art work.

I hope I can whip something up on Sunday. The deadline is Monday.

Between taking care of the kids, folding clothes, working on this contest I finally opened all the presents from Alexander Christening. The boy is rich! Okay maybe not  rich but he will be. I will be putting all his money into the same investments I have his brother's money in. I'm trying to give my boys a head start in life.

At 7:30 pm I went food shopping with Twiggy instead of a walk.  I didn't get home until 10:30pm after all our stops.

Even though I didn't work out I wanted to blog because I know keeping a record of what I'm doing helps me stay focused.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Angel and going to an amusement park with the kids. I won't get an official work out in either, but I'll be walking around a lot so that's going to count for something!

Another day of more cleaning!

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Holy Moly I'm a cleaning machine today! I was determined to get my dining room back! And I did it. Take notice of the photos from yesterday, there was a rug under my table. After four years that Home Depot rug had seen better days. 

I couldn't stand the stains or all the pulls from all the cats. Now that I am down to two cats from my "cat lady starter kit of 1995" I've had more than enough of the fur, hair balls and meowing. I am looking forward to being CAT FREE!!! Personally I don't want any more pets, but I'm sure if my boys beg I'll give in. I'll deal with that when it happens.

So here is the pig pen at the start of my day. I really never thought I would get it done.





I sorted all the clothes, bagged them up and put them in the corner of my room. That's another project and I can only handle one at a time. All the photos came off the wall and the window treatments were taken down and washed.





I made the roommate take down the child room divider between the kitchen and dining room. It needs to be cleaned too. Since Anthony has learned to stay out of the draws and Alexander isn't walking yet, I thought it would be nice to open the space up for a while.






The roommate and Anthony went to visit to his family for the evening and I got to work. I scrubbed the floor on my hands and knees with a homemade cleaner that I found the directions for on Pinterst, washed down all the walls, wood work and doors. I made a homemade wood polish from Pinterst and applied that to everything wood. Check out the shine in the photo above.

Once it was dry I turned the table sideways, hung the window treatments back up and all the photos.





The roommate took his boxes of crap to his storage unit too!! I am so pleased with how the room looks. It's the first room you see when you open the door to our apartment. The clutter and junk was getting to me. I hated coming home....well it's the people too but at least when I open the door it will look nice.


I even put some lemons in my square vase on the sideboard under the window, see them?

I still need to neatly fold Anthony's clothes that I am keeping for Alexander, pack them in the crates and put them in the basement. Clean the kitchen counter and floor, fold some clean clothes and put them away. And clean off the hutch in the dining room that you can't see in any of the pictures.

That's all on my to do list for tomorrow. My apartment is going to be neat and clean when the Early Intervention people get here Monday morning to evaluate Alexander. 

~~~~~~~~~beep   beep    beep    beep    beep    beep   beep~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We interrupt this blog post with a special announcement. 

The four year old BOSS came home looked around my clean dining room and spotted my vase of lemons!!! He asked for the "squeezey thing" to squeeze the juice out so he could make "Lemon Juice"




He made me kill my lemons!!! I was able to save two. Guess they have to go on my shopping list.

I didn't work out per say, but I'm sure the massive cleaning counts as something. I did stick to my diet!!!

My big fat life just got a little neater and I'm starting to feel my missing mojo come back.