Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

fighting for my life

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This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.