fighting for my life

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This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.

Day 87 - Apparently karma is making your pinky toe hate me

I got A1 to school but not without having to watch 4 episodes of Doc McStuffins this morning! Who is that?, you ask. She's a 6 year old girl who's a doctor to stuffed animals. I had start recording this for him last week after he saw the first one.

I have my list of what to do today and slowly crossing things off and adding things to the to do list for the rest of the week. I am worried that I'll forget something, because  you know it's all on me, every little detail.. if everyone has clean clothes, corsages and boutonnieres ordered, seating chart, ribbons on favors, pictures printed, new socks for Alexander to wear, pay the restaurant, the church, batteries for cameras, find the missing camera, toys and things to do for Anthony packed and ready, "emergency kit" packed with everything from aspirin to needle and thread to extra clothes for both boys in case someone gets sick.

Plus I have to do my nails again, my hair is getting highlighted this week, everyone else needs a hair cut, the house is a MESS and I don't know if anyone will be stopping by before or after the Christening so I need to get this place cleaned up.

I still have the doctor paper work to fill out that's been hanging over my head, and I'm trying to work out every day.

I'm tired just typing out what I have to do this week. And next week isn't any better. I'm suppose to be going away next weekend but I still don't know if that will happen. So I'm glad I'm busy to keep my mind off of it and the fact that my cell phone seems to be broken...incoming text messages seem to be limited.  I think I need a new service plan, something very detailed like Sheldon's roommate agreement.

I got in a 30 minute work out today. I would have been able to do the full hour, but work out was called on a count of a crying hungry baby!
Before- wearing the shirt Cheryl gave me




Sweating like a pig




Time to tackle as much more as I can on my to do list today and make Anthony dinner.
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about sometimes, it's because I'm not talking to you :-)
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 83 - headache

I have been getting A LOT of headaches lately. I have one right now!! So much so that this morning when Anthony got up he said "stop talking you're giving me a headache" umm yep that's what I say alright! Tension? Lack of Sleep? Stress? All I can think of is...





Waiting for the bus this afternoon the mail came and some of my awesome lemon stuff was delivered and I'm way over my 3 lemon limit ;-)

I can't believe how excited I was to get new panties. When I opened the box I was SHOCKED to see how small they were, no way were they going to fit me, just no friggen way!!  I got a pair I was wearing when I was pregnant with Alexander and put my new lemon pair on top.. take a look!



In all fairness the new lemon ones are stretchy, but I still didn't think I would get them on...there they are.. on my big fat ass.





The bus was late dropping Anthony off, the monitor people came to download Alexander's data at the same time.. it felt crazy here for about a half hour. My headache still hasn't gone away no matter what I take. I doubt I'm getting a work out in at this point. Even my eyes hurt.

I'm waiting for the roommate so I can go to the A&P (big surprise) Anthony needs to bring strawberries for school tomorrow..... and the monitor just went off...shit that was a bad one! so much for hoping this thing was coming off in June.

I'm going to try to work on the seating chart for the Christening a little more tonight and then I'm going to bed early.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$
PS - I really thought my Thursday would be Tuesday. I even thought it was confirmed that Thursday was Tuesday BUT TUESDAY DIDN'T HAPPEN AND I'M PISS! And now I believe what I thought and was upset over yesterday. 

Days 79, 80, 81 and 82

OMG I'm almost done with my first 90 challenge and I'm a major slacker at the end. I didn't plan it this way, I thought I would be ready for my son's Christening not trying to get everything done in the last two weeks.

Sunday May 27 - Day 79

I took Anthony to Rachel's birthday party, monster mini golf. He had a great time with the games but didn't do to well with the golf part. He did like that we were glowing :-)


I had to run to the A&P after the party, no wonder the roommate said I'm having and affair when I go to the A&P I'm there ALL THE TIME! It would help if he put things on the list so I wouldn't have to keep stopping there. In fact it's usually him that calls and says "on your way home can you stop at the A&P"

I changed my clothes when I got home and worked the rest of the day on the Christening Video Montage for the Christening, in between cooking dinner and feeding Alexander. Another day he just couldn't be in charge and let me do what I do.

Here is some of the messages I sent out on Sunday when the roommate was stressing me out.

•  if a small bottle holds 4oz and a large bottle holds 8oz and Alex has 5oz per feeding...what size bottle do you use?

• if it's 2oz of water per scoop of formula and you use 3 scoops, how many oz of water do you add to the bottle?

By the end of the day Anthony started with a runny nose and being stuffy.

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Monday May 28 - Day 80

Monday I was determined to get the video DONE! I sent the roommate out on a mission. I wrote down all the directions and went over it 4x. See if you can follow me...

Go to Toys R Us

1. Get Anthony paint, make sure it has white and black in it.
2. Get him paper, look for a roll like we had or get the largest pad they make.
3. Look for new swings for our swing set. I saw the infant swing in Babies R Us, I'm sure they have it at Toys R Us, get a new infant swing and a regular swing. 
4. Use the Gift Cards (hand him $100 in gift cards)
5. Go to Dunkin Donuts get me a Decaf Iced Raspberry Coffee, cream no sugar.

He called a few times to check and double check on things, which is normal. If I write it down, if he writes it down, doesn't matter he is incapable of completing any task without double checking because he is so unsure of himself.

He called about the paint, then the swing...I figured it would be the coffee he messed up on, he would forget the Raspberry part, because after all it's only been my favorite flavor (unless it's pumpkin time) for the whole time we've been together, why would he remember what I like.

He came home, coffee was correct, had the paint, the paper, the swings.. wow! he did good...I asked him "How much was left on the gift cards?"
And there it was.. that's what he did wrong. He used our dept card to pay for all of it.
I did NOT have buying swings in our budget, I couldn't even let it go, he had to go back and make them credit our account and use the gift cards!!!
Well it's Wednesday and our dept card still hasn't been credited back the money he spent.  Guess I'll be calling Toys R Us.

I finished the video and sent it off to my cousin to check it. I just needed to take a few more pictures I wanted for the last song.

Anthony still had a runny nose so I decided to keep him home on Tuesday.

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Tuesday May 29 - Day 81  
Anthony slept Monday night with Nonna, you know her as the saboteur. Alexander had a 11am eye doctor appointment to check for the eye condition that Anthony has. I was trying not to get nervous and knew if he did have it, it would mean glasses and patches. I've been there and done that, but I was still worried.

The saboteur calls me at 9am to tell me she's sick *cough cough* with stomach pains *cough cough* and a a fever.. BUT SHE'S COUGHING!! No sore throat??? DRAMA!!! Every time she's sick with anything, all of the sudden she can't talk and has a sore throat! Guess what you can be sick and still talk, you don't have to make yourself sound like DEATH. 

When  I hear FEVER... if I think she's faking or not.. stay the HELL AWAY FROM MY PREEMIE!! My baby still gets shots to help him with his immune system. It's one thing to have mommy's germs who he's with every day, it's another to have crazy lady germs who says she has a fever.

I packed up what I needed, got everything in the van and went to get Anthony. She asks like death *cough cough* "I'm coming wait for me". I told her to say home, call the doctor and there was no way she was going near Alexander with a fever.  She says "Well how are you going to handle them" to which I snapped at her "The same way I always do, they are my boys I'll handle it" and left with the kids.

How am -I- going to handle it? She clearly doesn't see everything I'm doing for these two! If she had to take me or my brother to all the doctors like I have to take my boys from such an early age I don't think she would handle it well. She didn't seem to handle it well when my brother had ear infections all the time. She would get mad that he got sick in the middle of the night and threw up.

Anyway little Mr. Alexander is in the clear, no sign of amblyopia.



Tuesday night I went to work out and the AC wasn't working in the living room. No way I could work out with how hot it was. The roommate who's usually good for nothing, some how got it working again but it was late and my stupid fat ass decided to finish the video instead.

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Wednesday May 30 - Day 82

My plans in the morning were to drink my coffee and shake while watching the video one more time while giving Alexander his bottle. I did that... but then I just didn't like the song I used when Alexander came home from the hospital. So I spent all day AGAIN reworking the damn thing!

I did manage to put chicken in the crock pot and make my boys dinner while working on the montage AGAIN!!  Even Alex was watching what I was doing and I snapped this picture of him. So cute I ended the video with it.


At 3pm I'm happy to report the video montage was finished and ordered!!!! Wanna watch Alexander's Video Montage of his little life? click here

Anthony had a birthday party this evening at Chuck E. Cheese. I got the boys ready and we left at 5:30pm to get up there. I'm so glad the mom wasn't worried with Anthony having a runny nose.. but it has gotten better and I'm sending him to school tomorrow!

I got home about 9pm the boys both had a bath, went on Facebook for a bit and yelled at myself that I didn't work out again today! However while at the birthday party everyone was eating that...

And I ate this...


I might not be working out as much as I like this week, but I've been to two birthday parties and I did not eat anything I shouldn't.

And one last note to myself, since this blog is about my whole journey and my emotions are a big part of why I got like this...
Dear Lemon Police,
if the saboteur has upset me, and the roommate is pissing me off, haven't you learned by now, one wrong comment and I'm going to be a big crying mess?

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 75 - it's Wednesday? felt like Tuesday ;-)

Warning..high volume of photos today.

Waves to the lemon police ;-) that's why it feels like Tuesday....moving on

I'm not sure if it's the No More Trouble Zone's DVD or the fact that I didn't work out for 4 days, but I'm having trouble getting through to the end. When Alexander started crying 20 minutes into the work out, I was soooooooooooooooo glad! Work out called on the count of a crying baby yippee!



For only 20 minutes I am still sweating like a pig. This lady is killing me, but I am seeing results. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got out of the shower and was drying my hair.. my arms are getting defined!!! Look at my shoulder you can see it! You can see the muscles.



I got dressed when into my favorite t-shirt drawer and pulled out my Bon Jovi T-shirt that I never wore because I couldn't fit into! It's a little long, I wish I knew how to sew... that's on my bucket list, I really need to get on that and learn.



Anthony was already a brat on the bus, I should have known it was going to be a nightmare going out with him and the saboteur, but the coupon I had for Payless ended today and he really needed sneakers. So off we went.

I got myself a large iced coffee and off we went. As I snapped this photo, the man sitting on the bench, on the right side of my coffee picture, asked me why I took a picture of my coffee. I told him I blog every day. I wanted to say, because if I sent this picture to the roommate he would have NO idea what kind of coffee I have, but if I send it to the "boyfriend" he would know without a doubt!





As you can see Mr. Anthony was already his crazy self. He wanted to climb on the stop sign. As I took his picture I wish I had a sharpie with me so I could write above the word stop "Don't" and below it "Believing"



And here he is in Kohl's putting on a fashion show for me.



I tried on a few things. I did not get any of these dresses I didn't like how any of them looked and they were more money than the ones I have bought on zulily.com.



I was at Kohl's on a mission to find a handbag I saw on their site, but no luck, but I figured I'd just order it on line when I got home. So I started hunting for yellow stuff since that's the "IT" summer color this year and just happens to work well with my crazy lemon craze.

I like this shirt, size 1X, but dammit I am going to have to change this blog name to My Big Fat Stomach! I refuse to buy a 2x shirt because I am only going to lose more weight so at some point it will look better and until then I'll wear the spanks under it. Hey and the shorts size 16!!! go me ;-)



This is the other yellow shirt but this is a size 2X and it felt big everywhere.



I went out and got the 1X and it looks better don't you think? but ugh that stomach.. I need to work out harder.



Next onto yellow shoes...which sandal do like better? My purple toes have to go if I'm wearing these.



Anthony was so out of control by the time we were done, my face was red from holding him down. I even had to step on his harness when he got away from me in order to stop him from running out into the street.

When the roommate got home I put him in charge on Anthony, which is a joke. A lot more screaming and yelling took place until they both got to bed. And the headache that slowly started was still going strong after they both  went to sleep! Anthony needs to be in  a padded room sometimes.

I went on Facebook for a while and caught up with everyone's life. Cheryl posted a link about a girl who ran the spartan race. If you have time read her blog.

She really is inspiring, maybe I will be ready to race next June. I really liked the part of her story with her trainer putting the muddy hand print on her back and saying "I got your back". Which gave me an idea!!

I am going to get myself a few shirts and some fabric paint. I'm going to ask a few of my friends who have really been supportive of me to put their hand in the paint then on the back of my shirt.

So if you see me coming towards you with a dish, some paint, baby wipes to clean up and a shirt with a board in it, you'll know what's going on. Fair warning this is going to happen at the Christening!!!


I continued my "lemon shopping" on line.. and got the handbag I wanted ;-) Now the lemon police told me if I got anything with more than 3 lemons on it he would take a scissors and cut all but 3 lemons off... hope he doesn't do that to my new handbag.



I also found these!!!!!!!!!! prefect one lemon, can't get in trouble there. And I need new panties, mine are all to big.



I'm taking a big risk here.. I have a feeling there will be scissors involved..LMAO




That's it, that's my day. See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 60 - you might notice...

If you check my blog regularly you'll notice the ticker area has changed. I did reset the top ticker last Friday when I surprisingly met my 2nd goal. But I thought about it and decided it's better to list the goals instead of having a collection of tickers on the side. It looks like this now:

Started Dec 30, 2011
Objective to have a healthy BMI and lifestyle, eat right and exercise:
1 st goal lose 29.5 lbs - goal met on April 6, 2012
2nd goal lose 10.0 lbs - goal met on May 4, 2012
3 rd goal lose 24.0 lbs -




Yes there is a  reason my weight lost goals are crazy numbers.  My first goal was to get off everything I had gained back while pregnant with Alexander, that's the 29.5 lbs. My 2nd goal was more like a WOW can I get off another 10lbs before the Christening? My 3rd goal is chasing after a number I haven't seen on the scale in YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

My weight fat needs to fall between 22% and 34% so I have no idea where I will end up on the scale. But my goal isn't really about the number anymore it's about being strong, healthy and in control.

I did Jillian Michaels No more Trouble Zones again today and must say I miss 30 day Shred!! Even push ups seem harder. I was doing two sets of 7 now with the circuit she has them in, I can only do 1 set of 5! Holy cow I'm hurting! The back of my arms are about to break, the sides of my thighs feel like they are on fire, even my ass is sore! My big fat ass is sore...LOL


Here I am feeling like "yeah I can do this"



Here I am saying "why they hell did I start taking pictures, I'm so tired I want to die"




I still have a list of  things to do today, but right now Anthony is hanging with Nonna, Alexander finally fell asleep and I'm thinking a mini nap would be good too!!!  I was going for a walk/run today but AGAIN it's raining!

In other news, Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week. But things keep changing and I miss my favorite day of the week. Last Tuesday I messed up my favorite day with my damn melt down. This Tuesday was changed do to unforeseen circumstances. I am getting a little mad at the universe for screwing up my favorite day of the week!!






Ready for Wednesday! 
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

What happened to Day 56?

No I didn't invent time travel in a DeLorean and skip over yesterday to arrive to today. I just got involved with other things and never stopped to work out. I even forgot to come here and post about my weight in. It wasn't until I woke up this morning (yawn I need a nap) that I remembered I'm a really big slacker!

It was a really shitty week for me! Emotionally I was all over the place, ask the Lemon Police he'll tell you I was a NUT JOB this week. Heck I even had another break down yesterday afternoon that he doesn't know about (well now he will) and another one late last night.

My face broke out this week, my back hurt, I was achy, tired, bloated.. full blown period week but without the period! First time since my hysterectomy that I got all the symptoms. I even had PMS this before hand which was another major melt down on my poor Lemon Police that I love so much! I would have locked my ass up I was flipping out so bad.

Prior to this month I had a few mood swings and one week a month I wouldn't have any change in my weight, so we were guessing that's what was going on. But this week totally shocked me and took me by surprise. Heck I'm still haven't a little melt down, but I'm not sure if that's jealously or my mood. So I was totally fine when the doctors office called to tell me Dr. Ransom wouldn't be in this Friday and they needed to change my appointment. I was just going there yesterday to pick up food.

Dr. Ransom gave them the okay to weigh me in anyway. I wasn't expecting that scale to move AT ALL!! hell no, not with the Major Melt Down Bitch that I have been....wow was I shocked to see that scale had moved down another 2.5lbs  I felt undeserving because I didn't work as hard as I normally do and hell I needed a damn smack on my ass for all the crying I was doing too!

I came home moved my ticker down and changed the goal to 20lbs and that's all I did with my blog. I was too excited about the new things that came in the mail.

First my little man Alexander got his first Star Wars onesie for Star Wars Day yesterday.


I knew we had to redo our Star Wars pictures when Anthony came home from school, when all of the sudden it hit me, I was wearing the wrong shirt!! Here I am with the Darth Vader shirt I started the day out wearing.



I ran in my room and pulled open that bottom drawer of t-shirts



and there it was...My episode I The Phantom Menace t-shirt that I bought and wore on opening night. I stood on line for the midnight show knowing that hundreds of miles away the person I would have given anything to be going to see this movie with was also on line waiting to see it, according to his email.

I heard myself gulp as I removed my Darth Vader shirt and put my arms in my Phantom Menace shirt...please let it fit, please let it fit.... I think my smile says it all!!



I opened the rest of the bags that came and tried things on...what do you think? these are for the summer and I really seem to push myself when I have to get into something, so by mid summer when I run away I think these will look fine. the purple one I would wear on a long drive to be comfy or maybe a cover up when I go swimming but the black one I really like to go out in.






When Anthony came home we did another Star Wars photo shoot



The rest of the day I worked on stuff for the ADSR which starts tomorrow. I stayed up late to give the Lemon Police his digi birthday present for his FB page, had another melt down around 1am and was fast asleep moments after my head hit the pillow.


And with all that I did NOT workout yesterday.. SLACKER!!

 Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$