fighting for my life

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

This is from Saturday Sept 1st the last time I worked out. I sat here after my showering hoping to blog while I fed Alexander and all hell broke loose..


I can't and wont get into it on a blog. A few people were sent SOS text messages and Twiggy came running. There is now an extra level of stress in this house. Then on top of that Anthony got hurt!

Even though we looked and looked there was no evidence of any injury. Anthony was limping the next day and said his foot hurt. It wasn't until the next night that I decided not to wait until Tuesday to go to the doctor and go to the ER.  Never in a million years did I expect to see a nail in his foot.


My life has been in a world wind every since. He had to have surgery to remove it, follow up doctor visits, he missed the start of school... meanwhile Alexander had therapy and I have to do the therapy every day with him for an hour.

At least Saturday's rain storm didn't stop me from getting to Angel's birthday party. I was so happy to be getting some time ALONE.  I posted this picture on my Facebook page and it got a whopping 32 likes and 38 comments!!

Saturday night was another turning point to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE. I am yelling at "nervous break down DID" every single day. I'm making the appointments and getting help. I've stuck to my diet 100% since then, drank my water. I just haven't had time with all the doctor appointments to do my work outs.

As I look at my schedule for the rest of the week I know it's not going to be possible to work out before my next doctor's appointment. But at least I'm back in the game with my mind set.

I don't have enough hours in a day to do everything. So small steps every day, on my terms and not being bullied into things that everyone else wants from me, it just stresses me out more. I had lost my focus on HEALTH, my health and my two boys. That's back in full swing. From new doctors to new therapists, I'm going to get Anthony help for his ADHD. Alexander is delayed with eating and I need someone to check him with why he gags when I feed him. Me.. well I'm about to finally get help from a few social workers.

I won't give up. I want a better life. I will learn to be a better person and be happy with myself, my body, my mind and self worth.

I am in search for who I used to be. I was recently told I need to find the me I was, because she's lost. Apparently I got lost in the late 80s early 90s. I'm pretty sure I know where I left "her" and I'm going back without a DeLorean and getting her and I will be happy with ME!

Today I heard a song on the radio by Jason Mraz that I love. It's prefect for my life right now! I came home and download the song. I didn't know the album was called Love is a four letter word so that made me smile.

These lines "And when you're needing your space, To do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting, To see what you find" are the ones that let me step back from another problem.

 As I'm listening to it right now, something on the image caught my eye. And there is only one other person who will know the meaning, but I know it's a sign.




And the lines "I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, And who I am" is what I have to work on to become a better person!

So with that.. if you're out there reading me, I'm fighting to have a better life because I am worth it.

Hell yeah I'm back!!!

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
My mind is going a mile a minute right now. I feel GREAT but so so so sore. I'm back, hell yeah I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. It's the take no prisoners DID that I want to be...well maybe I'm just improving on one of my DID names. Whatever I'm doing, I knew there was no way I was missing a work out today.

I spent the day with my newly Wireless boy and my Patches boy at Field Station: Dinosaurs and had a great day.


Then SURPRISE....... the roommate turned into a "husband" for the first time in such a long time I should have him checked for entry points for where the alien entered him... He called that he was in the area and lets meet for dinner at IHop. HOLY MOLY!

I was so happy to see the calories listed on the menu!! I ordered the Veggie Omelette

Dinner took a while and for less than a minute I thought "I was active enough today don't need to work out" And THEN the host who's been working there forever said to me "You've lost weight" I smiled and said yes and knew I would come home and push myself to do that evil Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred.

Not only did I do the work out, I did level 2 and did the whole thing! I LOVE that my abs are so sore!! My arms hurt, my legs hurt and my butt hurts. I feel GREAT!!!!

Before


Sweating like a pig

Tomorrow I weigh in with my doctor. I haven't been there in a few weeks. I also haven't been 100% either, so I don't know if the scale will move at all. It's gone up and it's gone down the last few weeks. But I'm happy and really feel that fire to push myself past that number that has been scaring me.

I'm my own worst enemy

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●
The days have been hard. I'm trying to focus and get organized. I can't do everything at once, but even trying to take baby steps isn't getting me any place. I miss working out. I'm swimming and walking but I miss the DVD work outs.

I haven't been faithful to MYSELF, I haven't put myself first before everything else. It's hard! The boys are demanding. I'm TIRED!!And if you have been following my blog you know the roommate is useless!

I love being home with my boys. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching Anthony things but most days it's a challenge just to get him to follow directions. He won't even stay with me in a store, maybe I should tie him to the stroller!!

This week "Code Yellow" was announced at my local Kohl's because Anthony took off. After running around the store pushing Alexander in the stroller I found him and we left. He wasn't happy to be leaving but I stuck to my guns. I count running around Kohl's pushing the stroller as a workout!!

Tonight during the daily fight with the roommate I heard myself say "Do or do not, there is no try". Shortly after I left the house with Anthony to pick up formula. For the 1 1/2 hours we were out all I could think about was "do or do not" and I have not been doing!!

When I got home I was in a different mind set and went for a late night walk. I tried to get  mapmywalk.com to work on my phone but it wouldn't! That didn't stop me, I went for my walk anyway.

I just signed up to mapmywalk.com using my computer and mapped out my walk, it was 1.75miles tonight. I plan on walking again tomorrow night. Hopefully the app will work now.

I might feel off my game and things are going slower, but there's no doubt there is a change in how I look from last fall.



The first photo I was pregnant with Alexander but really not much off from my heaviest weight not pregnant, so I'm using that photo as a before picture.

Tomorrow is my weigh in. I have no idea if I lost anything from last time. But I do know that for the next 16 days I'm going to work hard!!! 

Day 61 - TRYING? Really???

Didn't I cover this?? yes I did, it's right there on day 9 DO OR DO NOT THERE IS NO TRY!!! Today's story...

After doing Jillian Michaels No More Trouble Zones, Anthony came home from school and we went for a walk/run.




Twiggy couldn't come with us, but I didn't care, we have been trying to get out and walk all week. My first mission, run my fat ass up my hill pushing the stroller (with the car seat, monitor and Alex)

This is the top of my hill. My van is the 4th car down on the right. I was where the truck is parked in the drive way on the left, when I started running...well if you want to call what I'm doing running, it feels that way but I bet it doesn't look that way..LOL



Next we went down the hill, made a left and went up some more hills




I had to start playing games with myself to stay motivate, so I would get to a mail box, focus on the next mail box, push the stroller and run!




Alexander really seemed to be enjoying the walk/run too.


And Anthony LOVES the freedom to run! He also likes my game "run to the next mail box and stop" I just have to remember to bring him a drink next time. We drank all my water. Alex looks pissed in this photo as if to say "come on lady run some more I like the ride"
We got back up to the top of the hill again and Anthony has "a great idea" he wanted me to let go of the stroller so it would go "super fast" down the hill because it would be "fun".
I told him Alexander wouldn't be able to stop, the smarty pants pointed to the brake on the bottom and said he could use that!


Well Alexander did NOT go for a ride...LOL And Anthony soon was distracted by the rocks, which he called Mt. Everest It took me a while to understand what he was saying.. hear for yourself, I took a video

We headed home on the street behind ours, running up that hill too! When we got back down the other side and were at the corner of our block I could see my neighbor's door was open. So we went over to say hello. 

Both Anthony and I were all sweaty, Alex was happy. She came outside and said "What are you doing TRYING to lose weight?" TRYING!!! as if she can't see the difference in me at all!

The scene from My Cousin Vinny with Mrs Riley is playing in my head IT'S TIME FOR A THICKER SET!!!

Followed by Yoda saying "Do or Do Not, There is No Try"

I have no come back for people who are blind as a bat!  I know I'm doing it, I know I look better, but it does piss me off.

I got my monkey's home and fed. Then I took a shower, twisted my hair up, put my cool dragon earring on that I bought myself for getting to my goal much faster than I thought, gave myself a mini pedicure, put on my new purple sun dress and then my big plans for the evening? Wash the dishes!!

Here's my cool dragon earring I got for myself. He's my new pet.. he needs a name :-)

okay I'm done with my blah blah blah blah blah! See you tomorrow.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$
PS if you were wondering about the roommate, he was only home for a little while then went to bed, so just a -little fighting- tonight, not even worth blogging about.