sometimes it's hour by hour

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Stalker people I'm not a doctor nor nutritionist. I had to learn why I struggle and why I eat. You need to figure this out on your own. Reading my blog is not going to make you lose one pound never mind 60 pounds. Get off your ass and walk around the damn block, stop drinking soda and eat less.
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I'm having a really shitty night. I worked out today, I ate correctly, I didn't shove food in my face. But I just don't understand what is so wrong with me, what I need to fix in order to be worth it for ANYONE!

What the hell is so wrong with me?

Why does the roommate value things over people?
Why isn't my BFF talking to me?
How can Disney world be more important than your grandson? He might not know you'll be missing his first birthday but I will.

I trying to find my value. I keep pushing through every day. I want to SCREAM that I'm scared I won't have enough money to get formula before we run out... then I feel like a loser because I charged things I shouldn't have and the only person that's hurting and worried is ME!!! 

Then that brings me right back to why isn't BFF talking to me and can't they see how much I have done for them? I'm really not worth their time??

Why won't the roommate ask his brother to list the baby cloths on ebay to help make extra money? Or why doesn't he sell some of his shit so we don't have to pay for that storage unit that is costing almost more than our rent!

Why the hell does the grandmother want to spend 300+ on tickets for a show to take Anthony but doesn't offer to pay for 1 payment of his vision therapy.. or better yet.. never ever paid to be listed on our family talk plan!

So here.. here's my stupid before and after pictures that I worked out.. big friggen deal. It doesn't even matter, fat or not I'm still invisible and worthless. And if ANYONE tells me I'm not you're lying!

If your parents don't think you have worth and if the guys you have fallen in love with don't find value in you to work things out.. you are worthless! A wrench has more value in this house than I do.

And every single day my friend of almost 30 years won't talk to me, it kills all the positive things they were saying that I was starting to believe... but that had to be a lie, because I'm not even worth a text back!


I even hate this blog tonight. I hate the colors. I hate lemons!

The silver lining????

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Kym and/or Cameron I would like to know why you have me blocked on Facebook, we haven't spoke in a year, yet you're stalking my blog. Do you want to know about the baby neither of you could be bothered congratulating me on???  Does it give you pleasure to see my life falling apart? Or is it that you're jealous that I have lost weight?
Whatever your reason I think the saying goes "You either want to me be or do me"
 Enjoy reading my drama..I'll make sure to leave you notes every day until your IP address and your town stop shopping up that visit.. how do I know? Because one of you had the balls to sign up to get my posts via email, which showed your info! 

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I'm trying to recover from yesterday. It was really hard on me. My cousin Chris posted today that we need to look for the silver lining today in his post on Facebook.

I see the lining from the events of Sept 1, I'm getting help I need with the kids.

But could someone please tell me the silver lining with the one who is shutting me out? With all the damn chaos going on that is on my mind 24/7. When some people get mad at me and we stop talking I could care less, but this one really hurts. I don't want this friendship to be over.

Anyway.....Anthony off to school


Alexander after some therapy

Got him down for a nap and did a workout. My thighs and shoulders are burning. I must switch DVDs next work out.

I had 40 minutes after my work out before Anthony came home, so I CRIED!! I cried and cried and cried and I still feel like crying. This worthless feeling just doesn't go away. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why those I love don't love me back. I want to know how to fix myself and love myself. Why do I choose the wrong men? Will I be able to teach my boys to be more understanding towards woman. How am I going to keep going when I feel so bad inside.

I keep telling myself I'm worth it, I keep telling myself I can fight. Right now I feel lied too. I thought someone had my back. I thought they understood. I needed that extra support because when I don't believe in myself, they believed in me. My cell phone still hasn't sent the text I wish it would. It must be broken. Nobody could be that cruel to ignore every idea I suggested for our stupid stupid problems. I need to know what the silver lining is with ending an almost 30 year friendship!!! What am I suppose to learn that I haven't learned yet?

I'm going to fold clothes and try to get them away, make a shopping list and my to do list for tomorrow, because that's all I'm good for according to the roommate.

I have my weigh in tomorrow and it's going to be the same as last week. When I'm stressed and upset like this, my body doesn't change. I did cheat over the weekend but nothing so bad that the scale shouldn't move however it hasn't.

It all started....

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I had one of those nights where I tossed and turned. Besides my normal drama things aren't right with another person. I really want to work out the stupid issues but all I'm getting is the silent treatment. 

I also was up, worried I might have crossed a line and offended another friend, but thankfully all is good there. And even thou that was on my mind all night, what did I go and do? Crossed the damn line again this morning UGH!! But I'm glad I was put in my place!!

Alexander was up early, fed him and he started yawning again. I knew I'd be able to get another hour of sleep and that's what I did.

Mornings are hard keeping Anthony on focus, getting him fed and dressed. He has to go "check on his trucks" before he brushes his teeth or gets dressed. He was VERY SLOW this morning. I was trying to get him ready as well as get Alex another bottle and everything ready for me to leave the minute the bus came.

Anthony went to get his clothes out of the dresser (but I had them on the bench for him) and BAM. I go running to find a drawer on the floor broke, clothes every place. These pictures were taken tonight, because I didn't have time to do it when it happened.


NEXT...
Anthony was sitting in the living room drinking his chocolate milk, when all of the sudden it spilled every where! In hindsight I am glad he wasn't dressed because I would have to change his clothes. I couldn't even wipe him up he had to go into the shower. It was 12:15pm the bus comes at 12:30pm. I'm not dressed, Alexander isn't dressed or fed, and I'm giving Anthony a shower worried that we'd miss the bus.

Fifteen minutes later, he's cleaned, dressed and sporting his pirate stuff for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Off to school he went but I still wasn't ready and Alexander missed his lunch. Which meant I couldn't go to Costco before the doctor's to make the return, I had to do it after.  Twenty minutes later I'm in the van with my little pirate #2 off to his check up.


Talking... more doctors.. more specialist.. a bigger to do list for me and before I know it, it's 2:50pm

At 3pm I'm in Costco making my return. I'm tapping my foot, hoping I get out of there to get home to meet Anthony on the bus. The line took longer than my return, then I raced in the store to get milk and paper plates pushing Alexander in the stroller.

 I was doing a jog and thought to myself I wouldn't have been able to do this 65lbs ago!

I paid, was leaving and the MILK WAS LEAKING!! The lady at the check out said she'd have someone get me a new one, but it was 3:14pm I didn't have the time. I RAN back to the milk got a new one and RAN out of the store pushing a sleeping little pirate boy.

You know how it is when you're late, you hit every red light. As the minutes were ticking down I was totally freaking that they would pull away with him.  I reached into my pocket to put my bluetooth on, just in case they called and SNAP... broke the part that goes over the ear.

I got home with less than a minute to spare because I was speeding. I thought if a cop came after me I was just going to drive home and let him give me the ticket I couldn't pay for in front of my house so I wouldn't miss Anthony. But I got home safely!!!Alexander was sleeping by this point.

When Anthony comes home from school I make him change his clothes because they have a dress code at school and I don't want the school clothes ruined. I sat down with my cold water, checked Facebook (like it's a newspaper) and I hear "Mom, oh Mom" and this is what I find.

I do not know how I stayed calm. I do not know how I didn't kill him. He knew exactly what he was doing. Then he tells me "I'm shaving just like Dad" and my heart sank. He wants the roommate's attention so badly!

To stay calm I posted all these photos on Facebook. They finish uploading and another "Mom" from Anthony. I look and see the tape measure which he got yelled at by the roommate for playing with last night, caught in the tire of his toy truck.



I can't believe this day! I got the tape measure unstuck or that would have been another nightmare with the roommate. I made Anthony put all his school clothes in a basket and got him in the bath.

As I'm cleaning up the bathroom I find my new bottle of mouth wash on the floor almost empty. He knocked that over and I guess I didn't close the top on tight enough. This is all that's left.


I give him a bath and make him come down stairs to do the laundry with me since he made the mess. Got back upstairs by 5pm to hear Alexander crying and waking up from his nap. I quick got Anthony's left overs from last night warmed up, made him sit and eat, made a bottle and started feeding Alexander.

When I heard the backup beep beep beep sounds of the roommate's truck at 5:30.. UGH I was scared. I didn't know what he would do tonight. Less than 20 minutes later I'm yelling my standard "Just SHUT UP" to him because he's mouthing off to Anthony. 

I washed a few dishes, changed the laundry, text my cousin, shook my phone a few times hoping a text message from the one who's giving me the silent treatment would come in.. but no such luck.

7pm I wiped away my tears, got my sneakers on and was working out.. F*&$THE WORLD!!!
Before

After

Showered, Facebooked, Texted, got the kids to bed and started blogging.

I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I don't think most people believe how crazy my days are. I certainly don't think the "Silent One" understands at all!!!

I hope I sleep tonight.

Day 89 - the new day 4 ....

Someone needs to remind me I am calmer, I think more clearly, I'm less emotional therefore less melt downs...WHEN I WORK OUT!!!!  Did you got that "someone"?!?
If I miss two days of working out you better make sure there isn't a 3rd day, unless I'm in bed with the flu!


While I was working out...and since I always put Jillian Michaels on mute... I get a lot of thoughts... today in my rambling brain, I wondered a few things but these are the highlights:
Why anyone would listen to me when I said "You MUST join Facebook" and
"When would I have to start my last 90 Challenge to make it end on June 1, 2013 when I do the Spartan Race?"

I pushed myself through the No More Trouble Zones by telling myself "You want to climb the rope" and started making a list of things I want to improve in my work outs or increase. I am no longer counting the number on the scale as my goals. I am counting what I am able to do as my goals and my increases stamina.


Today I did 2 sets of 32 jumping jacks, one set of burpees although I didn't count them I was just focused on doing them. I did 8 push ups in plank position and I have been working on doing some of the exercises on this DVD that I used to say "OMG I CAN'T DO THAT" even the stretches she does at the end seemed unreachable to me.

I do have to stop once in a while and I can't do as many as reps as the girls in the DVD but believe me I am working on it. There was a point just 5 months ago I didn't do any jumping jacks! I just marched in place and slowly pushed myself to do 10. I'll be up to 40 soon and these other things I can't handle I'll get there!!!

 When I sat down to feed Alexander I went to timeanddate.com to figure out my question about when my 90 days would have to start to end on June 1. Here's the break down
March 3, 2013 to June 1, 2013 - 90 days
Dec 2, 2012 to March 2, 2013 - 90 days
Sept 2, 2012 to Dec 1, 2012 - 90 days
which makes my next 90 challenge only 85 days from Friday June 8 to Sept 1.... but if I wanted it to be the full 90 it would have started on June 3... which is the day I signed up for the Sparta Race!!! So I decided my this 90 day challenge  is going to overlap a few days with my next one. I love the thought of my sign up being the start of my new "push yourself until you can have lick-able abs next year" challenge. I know just who's gonna lick them too.


When Anthony came home from school it was errand time!- Its my daily blah blah blah

First to Dee's Florist to order Boutonnieres and Wristlets
To the dry cleaners to pick up Anthony's Christening outfit which Alexander will be wearing
Next stop Mommy gets her favorite

To the dollar store where I thought I wasn't getting anything then I found nail polish I might try and frames for all the pictures of the boys we are giving to our Aunts


I ordered Chinese Food and then went to Kohl's in search of black shirts for the boys to wear for our Perosi Family pictures on Saturday. We came out and were thrilled to see a beautiful double rainbow


I had to hunt someone down to take our picture - and umm the leg on my jeans looks baggy!! Can that be?? I just bought them on April 17th.



Off to A&P for milk


Finally home, fed Anthony and gave Alexander a bottle, cleaned up the dinning room.. well the table is cleared off there are still crates of baby clothes that have to go back in the basement. Anthony had a bath, watched a moving, I continued to try and clean up while the roommate was busy doing something on his computer. And here I am finally blogging!

I forgot to post these photos yesterday. A few of the sundresses I ordered came in.




See that damn sock in the picture? it's the roommates, he dropped it and didn't pick it up. I'm going to have to pick it up, I'm sick of looking at it.

Well I guess I'm done with my blah blah blah. I have really been feeling great the last 3 days! Working out does wonder.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 88 - the waiting game

At midnight I was trying to wait and see if Alexander would stop crying. I know the poor kid is teething. If I got up and stood near the crib he would stop crying. As soon as I walked away he would cry!

I got back into bed and to my surprise Anthony shows up in the bedroom.
"Mommy I can't sleep with him crying"
"Me either. He wants to have a party"
With that Anthony goes by the crib and starts talking to Alexander... this is what I remember
"It's okay brother, it's okay. Calm down. Calm down. We can have a party tomorrow. We can make a cake, we will hide and then jump out and yell SURPRISE! Because that's what you do at parties. Now go to sleep and stop crying"

It was the sweetest moment! I need to start sleeping with my camera, never mind my cell phone, so I don't miss moments like this.

Then all night long the saboteur who's been in Las Vegas for a week had to keep texting me "waiting for the bus to the airport", "waiting at the gate", "waiting on the plane to take off", "landed waiting to get our luggage" OMG WHO CARES! She didn't care about the time difference that's for sure. She's home now, which means I must avoid her at all costs until Sunday so she doesn't piss me off.

Of course nothing goes as planned and this morning Anthony was coughing so bad at 6am, the roommate called him out of school. I gave him his cough meds and he watched TV. Alex woke up at 10:30, got him a bottle and settled, checked on Anthony at 11 and he was asleep!

I quickly changed into my new work out gear and put in my Jillian Micheals No More Trouble Zones DVD. My trouble zones are happy to report I did the whole DVD and really pushed myself.

I did 2 sets of 32 jumping jacks
I didn't count how many push ups in plank, but I did a few
I also switched out one set of  surrenders for some burpees!
I'm so proud of myself!!!!!!!

The whole time I kept saying "You're Spartan training, keep going". I just need to keep pushing myself as hard as I can! I was really sweating like a pig when I was done and couldn't wait to get in the shower.



Next in my day of waiting, the stupid cheap acetone I have didn't take off my wraps. I had my nails soaking and waited and waited but nothing!

I am glad I didn't have to wait another day to work out my demon problems xoxoxo

The saboteur came up to see the boys late in the day. I didn't want her to know we were taking the boys for pictures. So while I was waiting for the roommate to come home I cut the boys hair. The saboteur took the pictures. When I saw myself in the new green tank top I wasn't disgusted by myself!



The roommate got home and showered then started getting dressed. He came to find me and asked if he was suppose to wear his suit. Sometimes I don't know how I stop myself from screaming. I told him the boys were having pictures not us! And even so, if he opened his eyes, the boys were in jeans and a t-shit and so was I!!! So he can wear his suit, he'll fit right in. I had to wait for him and then off we went.

They took cute photos. I'm really happy. I do have to go back because all the pictures weren't on the CD.



I sent the roommate to the restaurant where we are having the Christening while I waited for the photos to be printed. Of course he had to call to double check what he was suppose to do.

I wonder how it's going to feel to one day have a life where if I say something someone listens to me. I don't mind repeating myself if I was unclear with the directions. And lets face it we don't always listen so once in a while to repeat yourself okay. BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME he is out doing anything he has to call and check! Is he that unsure of himself or doesn't care, doesn't listen? I don't get it!

I'm about to write my to do list for tomorrow and then go to bed. Looking forward to hitting those trouble zones again!
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 87 - Apparently karma is making your pinky toe hate me

I got A1 to school but not without having to watch 4 episodes of Doc McStuffins this morning! Who is that?, you ask. She's a 6 year old girl who's a doctor to stuffed animals. I had start recording this for him last week after he saw the first one.

I have my list of what to do today and slowly crossing things off and adding things to the to do list for the rest of the week. I am worried that I'll forget something, because  you know it's all on me, every little detail.. if everyone has clean clothes, corsages and boutonnieres ordered, seating chart, ribbons on favors, pictures printed, new socks for Alexander to wear, pay the restaurant, the church, batteries for cameras, find the missing camera, toys and things to do for Anthony packed and ready, "emergency kit" packed with everything from aspirin to needle and thread to extra clothes for both boys in case someone gets sick.

Plus I have to do my nails again, my hair is getting highlighted this week, everyone else needs a hair cut, the house is a MESS and I don't know if anyone will be stopping by before or after the Christening so I need to get this place cleaned up.

I still have the doctor paper work to fill out that's been hanging over my head, and I'm trying to work out every day.

I'm tired just typing out what I have to do this week. And next week isn't any better. I'm suppose to be going away next weekend but I still don't know if that will happen. So I'm glad I'm busy to keep my mind off of it and the fact that my cell phone seems to be broken...incoming text messages seem to be limited.  I think I need a new service plan, something very detailed like Sheldon's roommate agreement.

I got in a 30 minute work out today. I would have been able to do the full hour, but work out was called on a count of a crying hungry baby!
Before- wearing the shirt Cheryl gave me




Sweating like a pig




Time to tackle as much more as I can on my to do list today and make Anthony dinner.
And if you have no idea what I'm talking about sometimes, it's because I'm not talking to you :-)
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 77 - eyes on my goal

I didn't expect much from my weigh in this morning because of how much I ate over the weekend. My scale finally showed me at the same weight as last Friday this morning. It's really not about the number on the scale anymore, I like my fitness goals much better, but I still do not like when that number goes up!

I ended up down 0.5lb. This showed me I am capable of having fun and eating and then getting myself right back on track with my new healthier lifestyle. I am really pleased with myself this week.

So what was my reward? A nice large cup of iced coffee (what flavor?) and a 60 minute work out with Jillian Michaels!!! Someone around here weighs 1.5lbs less than me right now.. and I am going to make sure there is a difference in my favor this week :-P

 Besides this is my last big push before the Christening. I need to stay focus, on track and more determined.




 I can't believe I was able to push myself and get through the whole DVD but I was tired, it was hard. I had to slow down a few times but I did my best to keep up with her.




When I got dressed this morning I put on.. umm... my FORMER favorite t-shirt. Someone might like the shirt falling off of me and showing the girls, but this shirt is TOO BIG!
Here I am in the same shirt  and leggings on my birthday on April 4th before I went for my pedicure Here I am in the shirt on January 15 when I tried it on in Lane Bryant
I am so glad I take a ton of pictures. I love seeing the difference in me! The thin girl trying to get out is really happy.

I did a bunch of other stuff today but it's late and I'm tired so more blah blah blah another time.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 76 - I'm doing WHAT???

I can only think in short spans of time... from doctor to doctor appointment for Alexander and what I have to do in between them. I haven't even allowed myself to think too much about going away in 3 weeks because I have TOO much to do. But that Cheryl crazy lady had me thinking about a year from now and she needs to be stopped *evil laugh*

Next weekend Cheryl is doing the dreaded Spartan Race. I'm in total awe of her training so hard. Just the burpees alone scare the crap out of me! Looks like you have to climb a rock wall,  rope and other crazy obstacles.

Wait!.. I'm not saying I don't want to do this, because she put the bug in my head.. HOWEVER I do not think I will be physically ready a year from now. There are too many what ifs that freak me out and I do sooo much better thinking SHORT TERM GOALS. Thinking about what I will be able to do a year from now is too much for my fat ass. 

But that crazy Cheryl says "You're doing it" even now while I type this I hear her in my head. I'm going to go with her and will take as many pictures as I can and THEN I will decide if I'm going to try for next year.

I did my work out for about a half hour. I still hate Jillian Micheals, hate her, hate her, hate her, but I am really liking my shoulders ;-) The girls on the DVD hardly get dewy and the sweat just pours off me.



When I was doing the leg lifts or whatever the heck I was doing, I thought to myself  "Those aren't my legs!"





I had a Lemon-licous idea. I made lemon zest from two lemons and put into an ice cube tray.

Then I squeezed the lemon juice from one lemon into the tray and sliced up the other one into real small pieces to fit into the tray


Poured water in and stuck in the freezer. Now I'll have Lemon-licous ice cubes for my water without breaking the 3 lemon limit!




Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$