Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

Looking forward to the new year

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I have been struggling emotionally the last few months. I am not focused on anything. Most days I'm sad. I'm not making time to work out. I'm making very little time for myself. Since the end of August I have been suffering from the worst case of brooksitis I have ever had in my entire life. It has resulted in lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Not even a time machine can fix it this time.

I am going to work on small steps to change a lot of things next year. It's going to take a lot of planning and I'm not that good with planning but things need to change and I have to do the changing.

Today I finally made time to pick out frames!! I had my eyes checked in Aug and never made time to go pick out frames. Here they are


I treated myself to a new hat too
I am very proud of myself with how far I have come in a year. I know I can do this, I know I can be a better mom. I know I can get organized in my house. I know I can lose weight.

Last year  this time I couldn't wait until 2012, I feel the same way about 2013. I'm ready. I need another fresh start.

sometimes it's hour by hour

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Stalker people I'm not a doctor nor nutritionist. I had to learn why I struggle and why I eat. You need to figure this out on your own. Reading my blog is not going to make you lose one pound never mind 60 pounds. Get off your ass and walk around the damn block, stop drinking soda and eat less.
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I'm having a really shitty night. I worked out today, I ate correctly, I didn't shove food in my face. But I just don't understand what is so wrong with me, what I need to fix in order to be worth it for ANYONE!

What the hell is so wrong with me?

Why does the roommate value things over people?
Why isn't my BFF talking to me?
How can Disney world be more important than your grandson? He might not know you'll be missing his first birthday but I will.

I trying to find my value. I keep pushing through every day. I want to SCREAM that I'm scared I won't have enough money to get formula before we run out... then I feel like a loser because I charged things I shouldn't have and the only person that's hurting and worried is ME!!! 

Then that brings me right back to why isn't BFF talking to me and can't they see how much I have done for them? I'm really not worth their time??

Why won't the roommate ask his brother to list the baby cloths on ebay to help make extra money? Or why doesn't he sell some of his shit so we don't have to pay for that storage unit that is costing almost more than our rent!

Why the hell does the grandmother want to spend 300+ on tickets for a show to take Anthony but doesn't offer to pay for 1 payment of his vision therapy.. or better yet.. never ever paid to be listed on our family talk plan!

So here.. here's my stupid before and after pictures that I worked out.. big friggen deal. It doesn't even matter, fat or not I'm still invisible and worthless. And if ANYONE tells me I'm not you're lying!

If your parents don't think you have worth and if the guys you have fallen in love with don't find value in you to work things out.. you are worthless! A wrench has more value in this house than I do.

And every single day my friend of almost 30 years won't talk to me, it kills all the positive things they were saying that I was starting to believe... but that had to be a lie, because I'm not even worth a text back!


I even hate this blog tonight. I hate the colors. I hate lemons!

The silver lining????

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Kym and/or Cameron I would like to know why you have me blocked on Facebook, we haven't spoke in a year, yet you're stalking my blog. Do you want to know about the baby neither of you could be bothered congratulating me on???  Does it give you pleasure to see my life falling apart? Or is it that you're jealous that I have lost weight?
Whatever your reason I think the saying goes "You either want to me be or do me"
 Enjoy reading my drama..I'll make sure to leave you notes every day until your IP address and your town stop shopping up that visit.. how do I know? Because one of you had the balls to sign up to get my posts via email, which showed your info! 

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I'm trying to recover from yesterday. It was really hard on me. My cousin Chris posted today that we need to look for the silver lining today in his post on Facebook.

I see the lining from the events of Sept 1, I'm getting help I need with the kids.

But could someone please tell me the silver lining with the one who is shutting me out? With all the damn chaos going on that is on my mind 24/7. When some people get mad at me and we stop talking I could care less, but this one really hurts. I don't want this friendship to be over.

Anyway.....Anthony off to school


Alexander after some therapy

Got him down for a nap and did a workout. My thighs and shoulders are burning. I must switch DVDs next work out.

I had 40 minutes after my work out before Anthony came home, so I CRIED!! I cried and cried and cried and I still feel like crying. This worthless feeling just doesn't go away. I want to know what I did wrong. I want to know why those I love don't love me back. I want to know how to fix myself and love myself. Why do I choose the wrong men? Will I be able to teach my boys to be more understanding towards woman. How am I going to keep going when I feel so bad inside.

I keep telling myself I'm worth it, I keep telling myself I can fight. Right now I feel lied too. I thought someone had my back. I thought they understood. I needed that extra support because when I don't believe in myself, they believed in me. My cell phone still hasn't sent the text I wish it would. It must be broken. Nobody could be that cruel to ignore every idea I suggested for our stupid stupid problems. I need to know what the silver lining is with ending an almost 30 year friendship!!! What am I suppose to learn that I haven't learned yet?

I'm going to fold clothes and try to get them away, make a shopping list and my to do list for tomorrow, because that's all I'm good for according to the roommate.

I have my weigh in tomorrow and it's going to be the same as last week. When I'm stressed and upset like this, my body doesn't change. I did cheat over the weekend but nothing so bad that the scale shouldn't move however it hasn't.

It all started....

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I had one of those nights where I tossed and turned. Besides my normal drama things aren't right with another person. I really want to work out the stupid issues but all I'm getting is the silent treatment. 

I also was up, worried I might have crossed a line and offended another friend, but thankfully all is good there. And even thou that was on my mind all night, what did I go and do? Crossed the damn line again this morning UGH!! But I'm glad I was put in my place!!

Alexander was up early, fed him and he started yawning again. I knew I'd be able to get another hour of sleep and that's what I did.

Mornings are hard keeping Anthony on focus, getting him fed and dressed. He has to go "check on his trucks" before he brushes his teeth or gets dressed. He was VERY SLOW this morning. I was trying to get him ready as well as get Alex another bottle and everything ready for me to leave the minute the bus came.

Anthony went to get his clothes out of the dresser (but I had them on the bench for him) and BAM. I go running to find a drawer on the floor broke, clothes every place. These pictures were taken tonight, because I didn't have time to do it when it happened.


NEXT...
Anthony was sitting in the living room drinking his chocolate milk, when all of the sudden it spilled every where! In hindsight I am glad he wasn't dressed because I would have to change his clothes. I couldn't even wipe him up he had to go into the shower. It was 12:15pm the bus comes at 12:30pm. I'm not dressed, Alexander isn't dressed or fed, and I'm giving Anthony a shower worried that we'd miss the bus.

Fifteen minutes later, he's cleaned, dressed and sporting his pirate stuff for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Off to school he went but I still wasn't ready and Alexander missed his lunch. Which meant I couldn't go to Costco before the doctor's to make the return, I had to do it after.  Twenty minutes later I'm in the van with my little pirate #2 off to his check up.


Talking... more doctors.. more specialist.. a bigger to do list for me and before I know it, it's 2:50pm

At 3pm I'm in Costco making my return. I'm tapping my foot, hoping I get out of there to get home to meet Anthony on the bus. The line took longer than my return, then I raced in the store to get milk and paper plates pushing Alexander in the stroller.

 I was doing a jog and thought to myself I wouldn't have been able to do this 65lbs ago!

I paid, was leaving and the MILK WAS LEAKING!! The lady at the check out said she'd have someone get me a new one, but it was 3:14pm I didn't have the time. I RAN back to the milk got a new one and RAN out of the store pushing a sleeping little pirate boy.

You know how it is when you're late, you hit every red light. As the minutes were ticking down I was totally freaking that they would pull away with him.  I reached into my pocket to put my bluetooth on, just in case they called and SNAP... broke the part that goes over the ear.

I got home with less than a minute to spare because I was speeding. I thought if a cop came after me I was just going to drive home and let him give me the ticket I couldn't pay for in front of my house so I wouldn't miss Anthony. But I got home safely!!!Alexander was sleeping by this point.

When Anthony comes home from school I make him change his clothes because they have a dress code at school and I don't want the school clothes ruined. I sat down with my cold water, checked Facebook (like it's a newspaper) and I hear "Mom, oh Mom" and this is what I find.

I do not know how I stayed calm. I do not know how I didn't kill him. He knew exactly what he was doing. Then he tells me "I'm shaving just like Dad" and my heart sank. He wants the roommate's attention so badly!

To stay calm I posted all these photos on Facebook. They finish uploading and another "Mom" from Anthony. I look and see the tape measure which he got yelled at by the roommate for playing with last night, caught in the tire of his toy truck.



I can't believe this day! I got the tape measure unstuck or that would have been another nightmare with the roommate. I made Anthony put all his school clothes in a basket and got him in the bath.

As I'm cleaning up the bathroom I find my new bottle of mouth wash on the floor almost empty. He knocked that over and I guess I didn't close the top on tight enough. This is all that's left.


I give him a bath and make him come down stairs to do the laundry with me since he made the mess. Got back upstairs by 5pm to hear Alexander crying and waking up from his nap. I quick got Anthony's left overs from last night warmed up, made him sit and eat, made a bottle and started feeding Alexander.

When I heard the backup beep beep beep sounds of the roommate's truck at 5:30.. UGH I was scared. I didn't know what he would do tonight. Less than 20 minutes later I'm yelling my standard "Just SHUT UP" to him because he's mouthing off to Anthony. 

I washed a few dishes, changed the laundry, text my cousin, shook my phone a few times hoping a text message from the one who's giving me the silent treatment would come in.. but no such luck.

7pm I wiped away my tears, got my sneakers on and was working out.. F*&$THE WORLD!!!
Before

After

Showered, Facebooked, Texted, got the kids to bed and started blogging.

I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I don't think most people believe how crazy my days are. I certainly don't think the "Silent One" understands at all!!!

I hope I sleep tonight.