Brother Day

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I had a 60/40 day today.  60% enjoyed myself but when that 40% of sadness hit, it hit hard.

We took the boys on a train ride to celebrate "brother day". Today was one year that I brought my baby home from the NICU.

My older son had a great time and didn't want to leave. He wants to go back TOMORROW. We had to drag him out of there after 3 hours. The train ride was only 45 minutes long. He wanted to look at the little trains some more, I guess 2 hours of doing that wasn't enough.



I was very sad on the way there. I received a phone call about an issue with one of the boys. After the phone call I didn't feel like sharing the news with the roommate, and he didn't even ask. If I over heard my part of the conversation I would have asked. Heck any of my friends would have asked.

I needed to remind him to stay calm with Anthony several times. By the end of the day when he was losing his patience over stuff, I was losing mine at him!

At dinner I had NOTHING to talk to him about. I sat there taking care of the needs of both kids. Watched Anthony play with his trucks while waiting for his meal, tended to Alexanders little cries. Not once did we look at each other and have anything to say that didn't have to do with the kids. I couldn't even think of a topic to talk about. Anytime we talk about anything we end up fighting. I guess I have just learned to not talk to him.

Case in point, on the way home I told him to go to the corner down the street from my aunt's house to get gas because gasbuddy said it was the cheapest. He's with me for 10 years, has driven to my aunts countless times, but tonight had no idea where he was going. When we finally got to the corner and I pointed to the gas station that we go to a lot, he says 'why didn't you just say the one down the street from the Mall'.

OMG I wanted to scream. This station is walking distance from my Aunt's house yet he wanted me to use a landmark another mile or so away. He finally said he didn't know it was a Delta. Okay so you didn't know it was a Delta, big deal did you forget where my aunt lives?

Then something similar happened in our driveway when I asked about something with the van. I finally just said "Nevermind I don't want to talk"

I spent the rest of the evening putting clothes away and cleaning up around the pig pen. I'm not 100% sure what he did besides 1 load of laundry. I asked him several times to help me clean up in the dining room, I really don't know what he did. I put away most of the stuff.

Anyway, it's stuff like this that makes me miss.. well you know.. the crazy person who just stops talking to me. I am having a hard time letting go, because I want to believe we can work this out. So what did I go and do? I called Captain Moody Pants at work. HA got you now. Can't ignore a work call. I simply said "either block me on facebook or talk to me" I got "okay"

GREAT!! WTF does Okay mean? so far I'm not blocked, but I'm not that hopeful anymore. I want to be, but I'm not. I am telling myself I have to move on, but my stubborn side is digging in her heals, screaming "you won't take me alive"

I need this to have an ending one way or another. Either cut me out of your life totally or talk to me. Living in-between drives me insane.  I have 3 people who know what's going on. They are all sweet, I know they want me to forget about it and move on, but they still listen to me when I'm upset over Captain Moody Pants.

I'm going to bed. I would like to believe I could get a work out in tomorrow, but HA my to do list is a mile long. It would be nice though.

Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

It all started....

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I had one of those nights where I tossed and turned. Besides my normal drama things aren't right with another person. I really want to work out the stupid issues but all I'm getting is the silent treatment. 

I also was up, worried I might have crossed a line and offended another friend, but thankfully all is good there. And even thou that was on my mind all night, what did I go and do? Crossed the damn line again this morning UGH!! But I'm glad I was put in my place!!

Alexander was up early, fed him and he started yawning again. I knew I'd be able to get another hour of sleep and that's what I did.

Mornings are hard keeping Anthony on focus, getting him fed and dressed. He has to go "check on his trucks" before he brushes his teeth or gets dressed. He was VERY SLOW this morning. I was trying to get him ready as well as get Alex another bottle and everything ready for me to leave the minute the bus came.

Anthony went to get his clothes out of the dresser (but I had them on the bench for him) and BAM. I go running to find a drawer on the floor broke, clothes every place. These pictures were taken tonight, because I didn't have time to do it when it happened.


NEXT...
Anthony was sitting in the living room drinking his chocolate milk, when all of the sudden it spilled every where! In hindsight I am glad he wasn't dressed because I would have to change his clothes. I couldn't even wipe him up he had to go into the shower. It was 12:15pm the bus comes at 12:30pm. I'm not dressed, Alexander isn't dressed or fed, and I'm giving Anthony a shower worried that we'd miss the bus.

Fifteen minutes later, he's cleaned, dressed and sporting his pirate stuff for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Off to school he went but I still wasn't ready and Alexander missed his lunch. Which meant I couldn't go to Costco before the doctor's to make the return, I had to do it after.  Twenty minutes later I'm in the van with my little pirate #2 off to his check up.


Talking... more doctors.. more specialist.. a bigger to do list for me and before I know it, it's 2:50pm

At 3pm I'm in Costco making my return. I'm tapping my foot, hoping I get out of there to get home to meet Anthony on the bus. The line took longer than my return, then I raced in the store to get milk and paper plates pushing Alexander in the stroller.

 I was doing a jog and thought to myself I wouldn't have been able to do this 65lbs ago!

I paid, was leaving and the MILK WAS LEAKING!! The lady at the check out said she'd have someone get me a new one, but it was 3:14pm I didn't have the time. I RAN back to the milk got a new one and RAN out of the store pushing a sleeping little pirate boy.

You know how it is when you're late, you hit every red light. As the minutes were ticking down I was totally freaking that they would pull away with him.  I reached into my pocket to put my bluetooth on, just in case they called and SNAP... broke the part that goes over the ear.

I got home with less than a minute to spare because I was speeding. I thought if a cop came after me I was just going to drive home and let him give me the ticket I couldn't pay for in front of my house so I wouldn't miss Anthony. But I got home safely!!!Alexander was sleeping by this point.

When Anthony comes home from school I make him change his clothes because they have a dress code at school and I don't want the school clothes ruined. I sat down with my cold water, checked Facebook (like it's a newspaper) and I hear "Mom, oh Mom" and this is what I find.

I do not know how I stayed calm. I do not know how I didn't kill him. He knew exactly what he was doing. Then he tells me "I'm shaving just like Dad" and my heart sank. He wants the roommate's attention so badly!

To stay calm I posted all these photos on Facebook. They finish uploading and another "Mom" from Anthony. I look and see the tape measure which he got yelled at by the roommate for playing with last night, caught in the tire of his toy truck.



I can't believe this day! I got the tape measure unstuck or that would have been another nightmare with the roommate. I made Anthony put all his school clothes in a basket and got him in the bath.

As I'm cleaning up the bathroom I find my new bottle of mouth wash on the floor almost empty. He knocked that over and I guess I didn't close the top on tight enough. This is all that's left.


I give him a bath and make him come down stairs to do the laundry with me since he made the mess. Got back upstairs by 5pm to hear Alexander crying and waking up from his nap. I quick got Anthony's left overs from last night warmed up, made him sit and eat, made a bottle and started feeding Alexander.

When I heard the backup beep beep beep sounds of the roommate's truck at 5:30.. UGH I was scared. I didn't know what he would do tonight. Less than 20 minutes later I'm yelling my standard "Just SHUT UP" to him because he's mouthing off to Anthony. 

I washed a few dishes, changed the laundry, text my cousin, shook my phone a few times hoping a text message from the one who's giving me the silent treatment would come in.. but no such luck.

7pm I wiped away my tears, got my sneakers on and was working out.. F*&$THE WORLD!!!
Before

After

Showered, Facebooked, Texted, got the kids to bed and started blogging.

I'm tired, I'm burnt out. I don't think most people believe how crazy my days are. I certainly don't think the "Silent One" understands at all!!!

I hope I sleep tonight.

FAIL!

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I lost 1 pound this week. It's better than I did all month, but I know it's not my best. Yeah I'm mad. I'm so mad at myself right now.

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I really tried to focus on improving my life by working on how I could earn a living. Total FAILURE today!! My eyes hurt, my "itis" is acting up. Well it's really, lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy... don't know what I'm saying, then google it!

I resigned from NDIS.com I'm just not even making time to create kits or anything. I've been thinking about it for a while but wanted to talk to out with someone... I just seem to talk to myself these days about anything that's on my mind. So I made the decision to step down because I seem to drag my feet with everything, one less thing to drag my feet on the better.

I spent the rest of the day working on pricing for my photo cards, asking my friends if I could use the cards I've made for them in advertising. Then I spent time working on my Facebook page, trying to add a new tab with a special offer.

After hours of reading and trying it hit me, I have no place to sell my cards! Total fucken failure!! 

So I zipped the one mat I won Honorable Mention with Pastimes and sent it over to Inked Playmats to be put on their site.

And here I sit at 11:15pm pissed off that I focused on "work" got nothing done. Didn't work out, stuffed my face with almonds...yeah I know it could be worse.

I'm going to work out tomorrow first thing. Then I'll work on this "show the world you have a pair of balls" thing I'm suppose to be doing and try to tell myself I'm not the loser I believe I really am. 

Happy August 22nd!!!!

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When I left Anthony's eye doctor in July, I had a surgery date of August 8th. I then had to change Alexander's heart doctor appointment which was schedule for Aug 8th also. When they gave me the next available date I thought to myself, my lucky number 22 won't let me down.

I ended up changing Anthony's eye surgery so he could enjoy the rest of the summer and go swimming, but I didn't call Alexander's doctor to change the appointment back. I just felt my 22 would take care of me and the monitor would be coming off.

At last the day was here. I had expected to take Anthony with me but at the last minute he stayed with my mother. I knew FOR SURE it was coming off because every major important thing with Alexander, I have been the only one there with him. So off to the doctors I went, nervous and excited but confidant it was coming off.

Here Alexander is taking a little nap right before we left.


Here we are getting ready to leave.


Waiting in the waiting room

Having the exam
Woo Hoo GREAT NEWS - I'm too sexy for my monitor, too sexy for my monitor!!!

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I was so excited I didn't even get that bothered by the saboteur's annoying remarks later on in the afternoon when we did errands.

When I came home I made an anniversary dinner for the roommate and Anthony. Then to celebrate I did 30 minutes of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I am so happy that after not doing it for a while I was still able todo the jumping jacks and get through the whole DVD! yippie for me.

Here I am before my work out


And Sweating like a pig


I am really proud of myself that I didn't let the day get away from me and miss my work out! Now I'm going to play with photo shop for a little while and got to bed early.

My walking buddy

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I must say I'm shocked by the scale today. I totally didn't expect to even see it go down. When I get upset I shove food in my mouth. And I've been upset a lot lately. Even tonight... right now the roommate is fighting with Anthony.

The roommate left the door open, I closed it and asked him why he didn't close the door. In a typical child like manner he said "Anthony was the one who was behind me" Really? blaming the child for not closing the door? It's this every day stuff that has just gotten to me over the years!

Anyway I was super pleased with myself today at the weigh in despite my need to eat food when I'm mad. I'm 7.5 pounds away from my next goal.. and I'm going to push hard for these 7.5lbs and that means focus, determination and blogging every day!

If you don't see a new post by me in the morning then YELL AT ME!! Got that Cheryl? 

I went to the eye doctor today for the first time in about 20 years. Alexander was with me all day while Anthony stayed home with the saboteur.  He was so good all day with me.
I didn't know they were going to dilate my eyes. I drove home very slowly and couldn't move around because I couldn't see! I don't know how Anthony deals with his eye problems!! He had to help me walk into the kitchen to get him a drink.

I called the roommate and put it in terms he understood. GET YOUR ASS HOME I CAN'T SEE. To my surprise that worked, he got home about 5:40pm and I slept off the dizzy feeling I had from seeing blurry.

At 8pm I woke up, changed my clothes and out the door I went for a walk with Twiggy. I am so happy she lives around the corner! It's so much better to walk with someone else.

The moon was AWESOME tonight! My cell phone didn't get a good photo but it was great. I hope you got to see it if you were out tonight.

I am feeling good, strong and determined... I haven't felt this good in a few months. I want to meet this next goal before the end of the month!

I'm a very emotional person!

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My moods are directly effected by the ones closest to me. And when there is too much chaos I'm in that black hole!!  Yeah I don't really want to hear I shouldn't let them bother me, because if I had figured that out I wouldn't have shoved food in my mouth all these years and I wouldn't be the moody bitch from hell that I am.

One of my BIGGEST problems is the roommate's hoarding!!! I feel like the house is falling in on me. I'm too overwhelmed with all of it, I can't figure out what to do or how to handle it. I have had people tell me throw it all out, but he goes ape shit and is scarey when you throw out his stuff... yeah yeah I can hear you guys.. call the police? Sure I call the police he gets pulled out of here, Anthony is screaming and crying, it'll be a scene. Then fine he's out.. then he'll go sleep on his Aunt's sofa or something. My biggest fear is that his family will make him cut off the money. And it's the boys who will suffer the most. I have to do this carefully and slowly.

I have been trying to clean the dining room for almost 2 weeks and it doesn't look like I did ANYTHING!!! I keep taking before pictures and there isn't one "AFTER" photo yet. Lets see how I do today.

Here is the dining room last week.




Here is the dining room today and I swear it's worse!




After 3 hours of sorting and folding and putting away here's what I had.




The minute the table was free of the clutter Anthony asked me to build him train tracks. I wonder if there's a job out there for me building train sets :-) That took me another hour to put the track together and make the bridges.




Then I continued to sort the ton of clothes.  From left to right; size 24 months/ 2t - size 12 & 18 months - to sell on ebay - stuff I want to keep and the basket in the bottom right corner is to get rid of ASAP.




What you can't see on the other side of the table are boxes from the roommate filled with stupid stuff that he thinks is important. I opened one box to see what was in there. No surprise books and junk.




That little box on the left of the above picture has this shit in it. Do you think ANY of that is important? I bet only 5 or so things are worth saving. Look there's a pen, key chain, blots, plastic wrappers from something, pieces of wire  and papers.  THIS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO HIM!!! This is the crap that is in his storage unit. Look under that yellow paper in the plastic bag down on the right, under that is a scratched off lottery.



I could just throw it out but I don't want to suffer any more drama. His screaming at Anthony is more than I can handle. So I'm going to make him just move this crap to his storage unit tomorrow or Sunday.

I have a plan for that stupid storage unit too. Next year when I do the taxes, I'm making him open his own bank account and putting money in it. . I will also set up his pay check to deposit some money into that account as well. I will change the storage unit to come out of that account. I will tell him that his account, he can do whatever he wants with it.  Give it some time and he'll blow through that money and won't have enough for his storage unit and I don't give a crap what happens after that!! He needs his own account and needs to learn how to take care of his money.

I somehow did the dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned off the counter, fed the kids, sorted more clothes, bagged up 2 bags to give away, another 2 baskets of clothes to give to someone who needs clothes and then......

Anthony asked "Can we go to the park?" it was just about 7pm at this point. I opened the back door, decided it wasn't too hot and packed the cooler with drinks. The bags of clothes to get rid of went in the van. I sent the roommate and Anthony off to do that and then go to the park, while I pushed Alexander in the stroller for 1 1/2 hours!!! which equals 3 miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did a drive around the blocks to figure out a route that equaled a mile. I ended up with 1.3 miles. I was running out of daylight but really was pushing to get the last round done. But when Alex started crying I knew he needed to be fed so I didn't finish the last loop around the dead end. If I had finished I would have done 3.9 miles but since I didn't finish I'm estimating it was 3 miles or so.

Some of it I ran but mostly I walked. I was so grateful for all the people who water their lawn at night. I parked the stroller and ran through the sprinklers. Talk about sweating like a pig. My legs are BURNING but I feel sooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!! 

When my phone went off and I heard "wwoo hoo text message" that just pushed me more. I'm amazed how when those who matter most to me are around how much better I feel. I think it proves I need to get away from the saboteur and the roommate who bring me down!!! Oh and lets add my brother into that mix too!!!

I am also thrilled to report I stayed 100% on my diet plan! Go me! What a day. I have plans to push myself again tomorrow. Work more on the dining room, swim with the kids and walk again. And most of all I can't wait to hear my phone say "wooo hoo text message" all day long! GOT THAT?????????



 

Days 79, 80, 81 and 82

OMG I'm almost done with my first 90 challenge and I'm a major slacker at the end. I didn't plan it this way, I thought I would be ready for my son's Christening not trying to get everything done in the last two weeks.

Sunday May 27 - Day 79

I took Anthony to Rachel's birthday party, monster mini golf. He had a great time with the games but didn't do to well with the golf part. He did like that we were glowing :-)


I had to run to the A&P after the party, no wonder the roommate said I'm having and affair when I go to the A&P I'm there ALL THE TIME! It would help if he put things on the list so I wouldn't have to keep stopping there. In fact it's usually him that calls and says "on your way home can you stop at the A&P"

I changed my clothes when I got home and worked the rest of the day on the Christening Video Montage for the Christening, in between cooking dinner and feeding Alexander. Another day he just couldn't be in charge and let me do what I do.

Here is some of the messages I sent out on Sunday when the roommate was stressing me out.

•  if a small bottle holds 4oz and a large bottle holds 8oz and Alex has 5oz per feeding...what size bottle do you use?

• if it's 2oz of water per scoop of formula and you use 3 scoops, how many oz of water do you add to the bottle?

By the end of the day Anthony started with a runny nose and being stuffy.

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Monday May 28 - Day 80

Monday I was determined to get the video DONE! I sent the roommate out on a mission. I wrote down all the directions and went over it 4x. See if you can follow me...

Go to Toys R Us

1. Get Anthony paint, make sure it has white and black in it.
2. Get him paper, look for a roll like we had or get the largest pad they make.
3. Look for new swings for our swing set. I saw the infant swing in Babies R Us, I'm sure they have it at Toys R Us, get a new infant swing and a regular swing. 
4. Use the Gift Cards (hand him $100 in gift cards)
5. Go to Dunkin Donuts get me a Decaf Iced Raspberry Coffee, cream no sugar.

He called a few times to check and double check on things, which is normal. If I write it down, if he writes it down, doesn't matter he is incapable of completing any task without double checking because he is so unsure of himself.

He called about the paint, then the swing...I figured it would be the coffee he messed up on, he would forget the Raspberry part, because after all it's only been my favorite flavor (unless it's pumpkin time) for the whole time we've been together, why would he remember what I like.

He came home, coffee was correct, had the paint, the paper, the swings.. wow! he did good...I asked him "How much was left on the gift cards?"
And there it was.. that's what he did wrong. He used our dept card to pay for all of it.
I did NOT have buying swings in our budget, I couldn't even let it go, he had to go back and make them credit our account and use the gift cards!!!
Well it's Wednesday and our dept card still hasn't been credited back the money he spent.  Guess I'll be calling Toys R Us.

I finished the video and sent it off to my cousin to check it. I just needed to take a few more pictures I wanted for the last song.

Anthony still had a runny nose so I decided to keep him home on Tuesday.

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Tuesday May 29 - Day 81  
Anthony slept Monday night with Nonna, you know her as the saboteur. Alexander had a 11am eye doctor appointment to check for the eye condition that Anthony has. I was trying not to get nervous and knew if he did have it, it would mean glasses and patches. I've been there and done that, but I was still worried.

The saboteur calls me at 9am to tell me she's sick *cough cough* with stomach pains *cough cough* and a a fever.. BUT SHE'S COUGHING!! No sore throat??? DRAMA!!! Every time she's sick with anything, all of the sudden she can't talk and has a sore throat! Guess what you can be sick and still talk, you don't have to make yourself sound like DEATH. 

When  I hear FEVER... if I think she's faking or not.. stay the HELL AWAY FROM MY PREEMIE!! My baby still gets shots to help him with his immune system. It's one thing to have mommy's germs who he's with every day, it's another to have crazy lady germs who says she has a fever.

I packed up what I needed, got everything in the van and went to get Anthony. She asks like death *cough cough* "I'm coming wait for me". I told her to say home, call the doctor and there was no way she was going near Alexander with a fever.  She says "Well how are you going to handle them" to which I snapped at her "The same way I always do, they are my boys I'll handle it" and left with the kids.

How am -I- going to handle it? She clearly doesn't see everything I'm doing for these two! If she had to take me or my brother to all the doctors like I have to take my boys from such an early age I don't think she would handle it well. She didn't seem to handle it well when my brother had ear infections all the time. She would get mad that he got sick in the middle of the night and threw up.

Anyway little Mr. Alexander is in the clear, no sign of amblyopia.



Tuesday night I went to work out and the AC wasn't working in the living room. No way I could work out with how hot it was. The roommate who's usually good for nothing, some how got it working again but it was late and my stupid fat ass decided to finish the video instead.

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Wednesday May 30 - Day 82

My plans in the morning were to drink my coffee and shake while watching the video one more time while giving Alexander his bottle. I did that... but then I just didn't like the song I used when Alexander came home from the hospital. So I spent all day AGAIN reworking the damn thing!

I did manage to put chicken in the crock pot and make my boys dinner while working on the montage AGAIN!!  Even Alex was watching what I was doing and I snapped this picture of him. So cute I ended the video with it.


At 3pm I'm happy to report the video montage was finished and ordered!!!! Wanna watch Alexander's Video Montage of his little life? click here

Anthony had a birthday party this evening at Chuck E. Cheese. I got the boys ready and we left at 5:30pm to get up there. I'm so glad the mom wasn't worried with Anthony having a runny nose.. but it has gotten better and I'm sending him to school tomorrow!

I got home about 9pm the boys both had a bath, went on Facebook for a bit and yelled at myself that I didn't work out again today! However while at the birthday party everyone was eating that...

And I ate this...


I might not be working out as much as I like this week, but I've been to two birthday parties and I did not eat anything I shouldn't.

And one last note to myself, since this blog is about my whole journey and my emotions are a big part of why I got like this...
Dear Lemon Police,
if the saboteur has upset me, and the roommate is pissing me off, haven't you learned by now, one wrong comment and I'm going to be a big crying mess?

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$

Day 34 - in a fog

I spent most of last night not sleeping, then I slept late today. Good thing the boys slept too! I then spent the afternoon, getting directions to the funeral home, ordering flowers, checking to see if the boys had something to wear, calling the church to get mass cards and checking in with my brother in between all of it. I broke down buying sympathy cards in Apollo.

When the roommate aka husband, got home..I think a better name for him is The Stranger, because even a real roommate would know me better than he does... we did some errands and did a little food shopping. 

I some how got my 30 minute work out in and really pushed myself and did Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. 





I don't know how am going to be tomorrow, I'm not sure how I am today. I don't know if I'll work out, I don't know if I'll blog. This is going to be really hard and I hope I can hang in there.

I have to finish working on my part of the digi scrap kit for The ADSR7 and I have to finish it tonight! So I need to make myself a cup of tea or coffee and get scrapping.

I'm really going to need support for a while to get my mojo back with my diet, working out and just life. I know I can count on my friends. You guys are the best. I love you.. but I love my boyfriend the most xoxox

Oh there's no weigh in tomorrow. Dr. Ransom is on vacation, but I would have had to cancel anyway to go to the wake.

Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$