empty the dining room

Well... I did a 13 day Yule ritual where I wrote down 13 wishes. Each day I burned one and pulled a card. Today is the last day and the last wish, I'm responsible for getting done.

It's karma! The dining room is the source of my biggest pain. It's filled with so much crap I can't even explain how much it hurts me when I walk into my own house. Most of the crap is not mine, which is why it hurts. 

The last wish for today is. I can't believe this is what Im responsible for. Okay fine, it will be done by the end of March! 

I'm over here

I'm over here, planning my year, listening to self help book. Congratulating myself for losing 20lbs that nobody has noticed yet. Not sure I want them to notice, but anyway thats a different therapy session. I'm trying to start off the year on a positive note. Instead it's about the fucking garbage. The hoarder house. The crap that prevents us from living in a beautiful home.

On today's episode of Our Hoarder House 🏠 Ed flipped out because we cleaned and threw away stuff in my mother's house and he thinks he saw a truck that was his from his childhood. He wanted to go through every bag of garbage because that truck is the most precious item ever! (Sarcasm) he has ever fucking bag in his truck now because he's gonna go threw it all. 

The fight led to him threatening my clay stuff, throwing out my tools. So I threw his shit on the floor. Then he carried out wooden boxes he got me for displays because he's spiteful. Somewhere in there he claims he should just die. All this fucking drama over a truck. A toy truck. Something that was in my mother's house for probably 4 years. The kids no longer play with it. And we dumped all the toys. He had a fucking fit.

I really hate him. I do not have a partner. I have another child. I am so close to being able to make a living. I can't be with this man much longer. He kills my soul. I'm so unhappy. I'm jealous if woman who have men that treat them well. All I do is yell and my kids hate thar about me. I'm explosive when I'm this mad.

I wanted to do clay today and instead I'm a big tension ball. My stomach hurts and I want to cry.

You can't heal if you are in the same environment that made you sick

I am living in a toxic world. I suffer from depression, anxiety, fear, stress.. the fucking pressure!
I made so many mistakes, the biggest one not being able to support myself. I believed this bullshit that was taught to me that you get married and your husband supports you and you have a partner for life.

BULLSHIT We should be teaching little girls to grow, be strong, taking care of yourself.

here I am TRAPPED at almost 53 years old. I have ZERO respect in my house. Everyone just things I am there to be at their beckon call. And nobody does anything for me unless I'm breaking down!

Yesterday (2-22-22) I would push myself to create the life I want and CREATE something every day. List it on my site, post it on Instagram and Tik Tok. Hoping to build up a following and find people who like my stuff and buy it. So I worked...

I felt AMAZING yesterday doing clay. I really did I mean look at this guy, he's so cute.  I made 4 of them.

I started dinner for my crew at 3:30 by 4pm I was out the door to pick up my oldest. Him and his GF got me coffee I thought that was so sweet. We went to the library where they had to film something, but we couldn't get it done because it was too noisy. I am hoping to get it done tomorrow.

I called home to tell the Idiot I married that I had something else to go in the oven. I told him to take the clay out of the oven, put it on my desk, then put the other dish in to bake. That was about 4:30pm. It should have only taken 15 minutes to melt.

I got home after 5, the dish was still in the oven and the edges were burnt. OF COURSE he fucking forgot.

I started putting all the food into containers, washed all the pots and dishes in the sink. I was proud of myself for getting the clay done. Proud I stuck to my meal plan.  I took some time to relax from the day and then went to bed.

This morning, I woke up later than normal. 6am instead of 5am. I went into the kitchen, there were a ton of dishes in the sink. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHY CAN'T ANYONE WASH A DISH?

So of course I am angry. I am this family's slave. Nobody cares if I want to do something. And what I want to do for myself (have a business) isn't important to anyone. I'm home all day why can't I wash the dishes.

The kids got ready and on the bus. I was deciding if I was going to do another gnome or candles. I wanted to do a gnome, but I had a meeting at 2pm for my son's IEP.  Then I got a text that the meeting was postponed. Then I got a text from my son that he forgot his trumpet. After my 2nd son left I drove to school to bring the trumpet. I called his gf to come out of school to get it because I had beat the bus there.

I also emailed my other son's teacher to tell him he had a bad cough from his asthma. I got a message to send information to remind the students of an event next week. I decided to make a cup of coffee before I got to work on  the emails. I made the coffee, went to the refrigerator to get the half and half BOOMMMMMM a million things came off the top of the refrigerator, hitting me in the head, broken glass and dirt everywhere. I didn't even understand what happened.

The stupid ass I am stuck with, puts all kinds of shit on top of the refrigerator but I'm so short I can't see up there. He took a hanging plant down and put it up there too along with loose light bulbs, WHO DOES THAT?

I was livid. It's so bad in our house with his hoarding that's why I want out of this marriage. Now I'm getting attacked by shit. I called him and I don't even know what I said. He came home. I told him to get the fuck away from me. He left.

I cleaned up the bullshit, got my coffee and then spent the morning working on that stuff for the school. I was able to stop at 10am which was amazing because school volunteer stuff can suck up all day! I even made the next flyer for a fund raiser.

Then I went to work on day 2 of my art. I got the Full Moon Candles 

 At 12:30pm I got a call from the school to go pick up my younger son. I knew it. I got him, took the opportunity to drop off the paper and flyer for the fundraiser, ordered him soup, picked that up and got him home. He just got in bed after he had his soup and left me alone.

 
I finished the candles and started the New Moon. I was watching the clock because I knew I had to pick up my oldest from school at 4 with his gf. They would do our Morning Announcement for me so I would get that out of the way. I also had to edit their school announcement for tomorrow. I stopped working on the candles at 3pm and got to work on what I do every week for my son.

I fought with the printer to get copies printed so I could make sure his gf had her copy when I picked them up.  I went running down the stairs to leave at 4pm I was late, and I forgot my sweatshirt. I ran back up stairs, got it and saw my mother getting her mail... she got HER MAIL, not ours, just hers. Then went into her house. OKAY BOOMER I won't bring your fucking mail in anymore.  In the care by 4:07pm on my way to school.

Got to school I texted them both that I was sitting out front. waiting.. waiting.. waiting... at 4:15 my son calls me to tell me he's not here. Okay I figured they walked to Dunkin. NOPE he tells me they didn't stay after school for the Academy classes because his GF forgot her daily permission slip. I don't know what they did, but he was ALMOST HOME because they walked.

I don't care that he was with her. I wouldn't have minded that they went to get pizza or dunkin, they have done that before. But neither one called me to tell me they didn't stay and they didn't call me to tell me not to go get them.

I AM LIVID! nobody gives a fucking ass about my time or what I have to do. Nobody thinks they should inform me of their changes and its okay to just waste my fucking time.

His stupid ass told me he was almost home. I drove back home, parked, went upstairs and then I hear him knocking at the door. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE HOUSE ALREADY. I told him to go to the back that was open and to get the fuck away from me.

The asshole I married came home, he at least is going to do to cub scouts tonight to help the kids that need help with their pinewood derby cars, even though our son isn't going.

The other child.. I don't know what he's doing. I don't give a crap and he better stay away from me.

I came here to blog instead of binge eating

meditation, manifesting and my mind

I logged in and said WOW I haven't blogged since Nov? Nope, I haven't. Then I remembered yeah well we have been busy and I haven't made the time to do this. I haven't held myself accountable.
Having Covid in January really made the whole start of the year seem to buzz by. I can't believe it's March and I'm counting down to my birthday. (that should be a whole another blog post)

This year has been different. I found this tik tok  about 8 steps every morning that really resonated with me. I started on January 1st. Even when we had covid I still managed to make my bed every morning. I might not have done all 8 every day, but I have done at least half every day. And when I miss something, I don't beat myself up that I'm a failure. I just realize that day didn't allow me to complete everything and it was okay.

******* I had to leave the blog right in the middle of a thought yesterday****
It's now Wednesday.
I'm hitting publish because I can't go back in time and continue yesterday's thoughts when I have had so many more since! 

Oh I worked out yesterday but not today

Haven't been blogging

I haven't been blogging but I have been doing my mini daily work outs. I can tell you my legs and shoulders are killing me. So switching up the video this week was great. I'm going to do the same for next week.

I need to get a better meal plan for myself. I have to know what I'm going to eat instead of being hungry and just eating anything. That's my next step in this process.

I weighed myself once. It looks like I lost a pound. I'm not focusing on the number I'm focusing on making this a routine!

November 9, 2020

Last week the kids had off from school. I'm not even sure I got a workout in. I'm happy to report I did a work out this morning. I changed the video I was watching since October. I will do this one for a while.
My arms hurt which is good!

Week 2 here we come

This morning I brought Diesel to the vet with my boys. Came home got them settled with school and did my work out. I added more this week. As I was doing the floor work, I guess I was breathing hard. Anthony asked if I was okay. My answer was I. Must. Fit. Into. that. dress. 

My eye is on the dress, my heart is in making this a life style change. I added my food to my health app on my phone too. Overall I'm feeling good and positive. I think the positive energy I'm working on is really helping.

Drinking all the water today is a big goal for me. It's "moon water" and I want to absorb all of the energy from it. 

I also plan to work on my bedroom for a little while today. I'm going to set the timer, maybe an hour. Not to much because I want to also work on the November dragons.

My November Grateful list:
1. Someone you are grateful for: I'm truly grateful for Allyson Bright. I had been following her for a few years. I was going to go to her retreat but I didn't. I joined her online retreat and it's been a positive journey. I wasn't sure I was getting anything out of it, but when Chris died it was some of those tools that I learned with her that have been helping. Even the ah-ha moment when I realized how I need to honor our cousin love happened during her class.

2. some place you are grateful for: I love my back deck. It's cold now and I won't be spending time on it but it is my favorite relaxing place to go.

5

So today I feel I got my knees up higher. Its still hard, but I'm still going. I am very excited that I got my knees up higher!
I did my egg cleanse yesterday. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm trying to clear the negative energy around me and in the house.
Today I'm going to put my make up on, get dressed and big excitement we are going out to Target..LOL
I'm also going to clean up the kitchen a bit.
drinking my water is today's mission!

I'm on day 4

On day 4 of working out. It's only a few minutes. And I'm proud of myself for those few minutes. I don't like to exercise I never did it's hard for me. I never felt strong. I'm going to work on changing that feeling. 

I logged all my food yesterday. I'm so surprised that the yogurt has too much fat. I need to be careful with out much I'm eating. Maybe that's why my number are a little high. I have been living on yogurt since Chris died. I thought it was a healthier choice.

This morning I had egg whites and reduced fat cheese. My lunch will be salad again. I need to rethink a snack, maybe some nuts?

I'm going to do an egg cleanse today. I also have my 2nd to last joy class tonight.

Here I am again

Talking to myself once again. I'm on day 3 of working out. I'm sore today. I'm only doing a few minutes of Jillian Micheals of 6 week 6 pack. I like this one because it's upright work at first. I need to build myself back up to getting down on the ground. My knees are hurting. I just found out I am seriously lacking in vitamin D again.
I'm going to the doctor for all kinds of tests to check on my heart. I'm so scared I'm going to die like Chris. I still can't believe it. I'm still so sad. I cry a lot. I can't get to sleep. I just can't believe it. I can't. I don't want to. But things are moving on, changes are happening. Aunt Mer is moving to Florida with Vinnie. And I'm still here in the cold weather that I hate! I hate the snow and cold. I want to move too.

Same Sh!t different day

Haven't I been fighting the hoarding for over 8 years now? Haven't I been working on losing weight for 8 years now? I get so angry at myself that I am not in a better place, but now I'm trying to work on that voice that puts me down. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. That voice that tells me I'm no good. I hate that voice. I have listened to that voice for my whole life.

I need to get better. I need to clear my head, body, and mind. I need to do this. I want to do this. I have to make every day a work in progress and not get mad that I am not there.

Fighting with the Head of the Hoarding in our house gets me nowhere. I am so angry at him! The amount of stuff he values shocks me. He hides it. He goes through things I have thrown out to see what is in there to see if it's "still good" then hides. He had two barrels full of junk I threw away over a month ago, hiding in the back yard, then was going through the stuff I threw out this week. He would NOT stop!

I was outside fighting with him and it was somehow my fault! I'm the ass that was making a scene. I didn't want him to go through every little thing I threw away and keep it! How dare I do that! How dare I get ride of things that were taking up space. How dare I clean the house for OUR sons! That's right I made a scene, let me take my curtain call for standing up to him.

All this was going on while I was supposed to be on a zoom class I paid for. He purposely did it at that time because he didn't think I would leave the zoom class, he was wrong. I knew what he was doing. So I left the meeting to go after him.

The fighting continued once we were inside. He tried to justify everything he keeps. Let me try to paint you a picture (ha funny because I could really paint it) I will clean out a cabinet. I might pull out 4 towels that are mismatched or have holes. I will put them in a bag for the Good Will. He will look in that bag, take out the towels "because they are still good" and HIDE THEM in the living room, which he took over as a bedroom, hoarder room. There is stuff FLOOR TO CEILING. I am not lying! He has a big shelf in there that was from his storage unit it's on the far wall. It is packed with boxes and bags. I can't even get to it, because in front of it are more boxes, bags and things piled on top of all of that. There is actually a love seat in there, but you can't even see it because of the amount of stuff on top of it. There is an entertainment center, can't see that either because of everything in front of it. There is just a path, that my fat ass has to walk sideways, and I slowly move my feet because I might hit something and an avalanche might happen.

I know it's unsafe. I know we shouldn't live like this. I know it has to be cleaned out. I am doing my best every single day. A lot of the stuff I can't throw out, it's big took stuff. I don't know what to do with it. We have no storage. He has to take it somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it can't be here.

I started moving his clothes out and putting it in the boys old room. I moved some of his books. It looks like I did NOTHING! The boys and I carried out 5 bags of things to throw away and 4 to go to the Good Will and it doesn't look like we did ANYTHING.

That is what beats me down. That is what makes me cry. I'm fighting all alone here. But I am fighting. I have to clean this up or my kids will face the same life of loving crap over people.

7pm tonight I walk. Maybe I'll see my art friends on Zoom. This helps my metal health. In the mean time, I clean.

totally drained

I remember when I was excited about doing the school yearbook. Now I'm totally drained. This year is awful. I'm doing it alone everyone else is in another school. I'm the last parent of the team that started 5 years ago. Kelly T will still help me but I'm not even in a place that she can help yet. I'm still fighting with layouts and trying to get things to fit. She will drop pictures in and proofread. Im overwhelmed with the amount of work with the write-ups.
I'm going for a walk with Twiggy in 2 hours. I'm hoping it will clear my head. All I want to do is cry.

I need a therapist...

I don't have a therapist so I'll just talk to myself.

I am working on getting out from underneath all this shit that has piled up since 2016. It's been 4 years since The Snow Blower Incident. I honestly do not know how I made it through that shit. But I suffered from all of it. First I ate myself back into hating myself. Second I allowed our apartment to turn into trash.

It took 4 years, but it will not take another 4 to undo it. I'm getting my boys to help with all the shit. A little each day. But it affects my mental health. I feel worthless and unloved. How can someone put such value on things over people? That's how I see it. He values the stuff I throw away over anything else.

I have no resorted to putting bags in the van and bringing it to Twig's house.

Speaking of Twiggy. I started taking liquid collagen and liquid gold today. It's supposed to help with my joints. And also some fat burner thing. Whatever it is I'm trying it.

Twiggy and I are also walking around the neighborhood at night. I have no idea how much I weigh right now. I haven't stepped on the scale. But I know it's not good because I feel it and see it.

I'm trying to focus on cleaning out this place. That will make me happy and give me room to work out.

Okay that's it from me today
Maria

Not feeling it

Working out SUCKS. I hate it. I am not good at it. I can only handle a little bit. I'm pushing myself. I need to push harder.

I need to drink water.

I am torturing myself right now. Why did I give up? Why didn't I start this in Oct.? I'm not going to fit into that dress!

Must drink water.

Must do shakes.

Must enter my food into my app!

Please don't hate yourself too much

Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday

Hello World and when I say that I mean, Hello Me since nobody reads my blog anymore. I don't blame anyone, I stopped writing. So Hello Future Me that reads this one day.

Friday, Jan 24 was an awesome day! I managed to get 5 minutes work out in. It was hard, my abs were killing me by Friday. But I did it in the AM, jumped in the shower and got the boys off to school. We had an assembly and a surprise for the Principal's birthday. It was GREAT!! She was so surprised that we got the whole school in the all-purpose room to sign to her.

I then met up with another friend for the afternoon and got back in time to pick up both kids from school. I had 2 hours until the next event, the Kids Tricky Tray. I did homework with Anthony and got us out the door by 5:15pm! Set up the tricky tray tables, helped the Committee Chair with all last minute things and the event started on time at 6:30pm!

The big win for the night was Alexander with the Principal of the day. I was so damn happy, I cried! AND I DIDN'T CHEAT like some people did in the past. I wanted it so badly for him and he won fair and square.

Came home very happy on Friday night, BEST DAY EVER!

Saturday I had a scout meeting. All the boys finished Running with the Pack adventure loop. It POURED so much I was soaking wet when we got out of the car to got into the house. We ended up staying home and not going to church. Then we got a call that the basement at church flooded so CCD was canceled in the AM.

Sunday Alexander and I spent the day watching movies, while Anthony spent the day with Nonna. They went to see 1917.

And here I am Monday. Already on my 3rd load of laundry, washed a few dishes have more to do, a little HSA work and I did my work out. I need to do the shakes today for my meals, I wasn't very good over the weekend, but still showed a lost of .5lbs.

I also have an IEP meeting today for Anthony.

Okay me... I think I'm Office DID today, see you tomorrow! Drink Shakes and water. You can do it.

so hey...

So I did a mini work out. my abs are hurting. I know I need to change the video I'm doing, but I couldn't find the one I wanted to do so abs again it was. Boy, do they hurt.
I spent most of the morning reading the new scout by laws. I have a few questions, I want to make sure I'm doing everything right so I don't get fired.  It's 40 pages! FORTY!! HSA bylaws aren't this long. Maybe they should have worked on them when they were involved in the HSA.
I have to go get gas now, we are on E, then go to the farmers market to get flowers for our principal and then pick up the kids, buy a gift card and finally come home to the never-ending homework and be ready for scouts at 7. And someone asked me if I wanted a part time job.. LMAO! I dont' even have time to create right now.
See you tomorrow during the new moon! Learning moon phases with my son.

Day 2 -1-22-20

First thing's first... tomorrow I have to try a different workout. I have to mix it up for myself or I get annoyed that I can't do it.  so there's that.

I did 10 minutes. I was going to say only 10 minutes but hey, listen to me, it's 10 minutes I didn't do last week! Okay? I'm sick of you beating yourself up and feeling worthless. I'm sick of you measuring yourself against other people's ideas. You need to figure you out and to hell what they think. Just like how you don't give a sh!t if people like you or not with the HSA, you gotta get stuff done. Now carry that here. Got it?

I had to go search for my DID list to see who the heck was talking. Here's what I found...LOL My DID Clone list. It's really my personality did-disorder..LOL OMG this is 20 years old and still a list I refer too.

I'm not sure who I am at the moment.   Maybe Super DID? I really need someone from the DDK to help me out here. Ohhh Huma, where are you? LOL not here that's for sure, not sure if he knows I even have a blog.

I'm talking to myself, maybe my DID list needs to be updated. Maybe I should really create all these DIDs, wouldn't that be something.

Yeah, I'm going with Super DID. She must be the one talking. And I like it. She's nice to Plain-Old DID who is my everyday persona and usually the depressed, broken, beat up one. I don't want to be her anymore.

New and Improved DID comes out when I lose weight, I know her, she likes to go shopping, especially for bras.

Evil DID, oh she's a BITCH you do not want her to come out!! She will cut you. She was out the other night dealing with a real pain in the ass mom from the HSA.

Dizzy DID, she's the one who can't understand what you are talking about. She needs it explained 50 times and still doesn't get it.

Dragon DID, she's feeling strong and wants to do things that give her wings. Loves to create mini dragons. She must be the one who made the lucky pocket dragons!

DIVA DID, oh she's the hottie that's done with her hair, make up and nails. She usually follows after New and Improved DID. She hasn't been around for a few years.

Desiger DID - she's out just about every day. She's the creative force that drives most decisions.

Las Vagas DID - I think this one needs to be renamed. To Traveling DID. I went to Vagas once, I HATED IT! I don't gamble, so big mistake. It was boring for me. I also did not have a good time with the person I was with. I wanted to. Believe me more than anything I wanted it to be a magical trip. It just wasn't. 

Editor DID - She works with Designer DID. She's in charge of the yearbooks now.

Super DID - well that's who's talking right now. Feeling confident, strong, sure of herself and goals. Will handle anything thrown at her.

Hunk Hunting DID - Oh she's doing NOTHING these days. no hunks to hunt. Plus she only comes out after New and Improved and Diva DID arrive.

Suess DID - well that rhyming one only shows up as needed. She's not needed

Sleepy Time DID - OH MY GOSH, this is my favorite DID. I can't want to sleep every single day.

Commando DID - well umm. that speaks for itself, I'm commando right now!

Special Ops DID - I only take her out when I need to uncover something or pull off a surprise, which I happen to be doing this Friday, so I guess she's out.

Office DID - I still use her skills, comes in handy being a part of the HSA. And she types fast!

Nervous Break Down DID - Well this is my panic side, super depressed side and general worrying side. Usually shows up for IEP meetings now, early December, I defiantly have season depression. It's hard to pick up when this one comes out. Then I cycle to Plain Old DID.

But today and Yesterday I am SUPER DID! and I feel it!

Time to get ready for my morning meeting. Thank you for talking to yourself. I love you bye!

My son

This morning when I woke up feeling determined, little did I know my son didn't sleep last night.

He got up out of bed and washed the dishes and did laundry!

I'm shocked! He went back to sleep at 5am.

I appreciate it, I bragged about it! I love him!

2020

I'm on a mission. Of course, I am. I'm always on a mission to be better and happier and thinner.

I have to keep going, it's not going to happen unless I make the time for myself. And today I did! I worked out!

I have a dress I need to get into and nobody is going to make that dress fit me, but me!!!

I felt determined this morning.

I felt happy this morning.

I knew I would work out.

It was for 15 minutes.

And I did it! I worked my core. And it hurt.

Now I will track my water, drink the shakes and make positive choices all day.

I will see you tomorrow.

my big fat life

I started this blog about 8 years ago. I think I have lost ed and gained over 100lbs in that time.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I turned to food as my drug. This is a hard life being fat. I don't want to be fat. But I am addicted to food. I don't have any support in my house so I need the support in my head. However my head is filled with different mes, the me who hats herself is usually the one talking. She's the one typing right now.

I need am outlet for my miserable life, so I'm coming back here to get put of my head and work on my body.