Another bad day

I am angry and sad. I'm fairly certain I could be happy never leaving the house again.
I just keep on faking it every day. It was so bad today I asked my 10 year old for help. They wanted to go swimming I really didn't want to go outside. I told him to help me because I couldn't get moving.
I don't want to burden him with explaining his mother is a fat piece of shit low life who can't handle a thing.
I'm watching my youngest warm up a hot dog for lunch because I feel like crying.
My fountain is broken. That's how I think about my life. I don't value myself because I wasn't valued as a kid. Sure I do things now but nothing makes me happy. Nothing, not even my kids. I wanted them so badly now I'm afraid I am fucking them up. I fake it as best as I can every day to keep them going.
I'm so angry at my father for giving up and screwing up his life. He always thought he could get away with whatever wrong he did. Whatever the fuck he did this last time is the reason he just gave up on his life. Refusing treatment is suicide. My father committed suicide. Am I the only one who sees this? I didn't go see him. I was angry he was addicted to the pills. Another thing nobody else saw. I'm angry he fell for that scam on the dating site. I'm angry he didn't get to spend more time with his grandkids.
I'm just angry.