My life sucks

Depression.... it's killing me. A slow painful, all consuming, worthlessness, self loathing, every day feeling.
I'm just waiting to die.
I won't kill myself because what it would do to my kids. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't be here.
I'm lonely so lonely but hate myself so I don't do anything to change.
The smallest of things sets me off into the out of control spiral. The bigger things keep me in this black hole where I have spent most of my life feeling useless and unwanted.
I married the wrong person, because I viewed myself as worthless and this was the best I would ever do. I did that TWICE!  If my first husband didn't leave me I would still be on that first marriage. I'm too weak to leave this husband and have no idea how to take care of myself. I'm good at pretending.
I'm so worthless to the person I married that he feels he can blame me and yell at me because he broke something shortly after I called him.
It's my fault because it was a pointless conversation to him.
I can't make up my mind, I can't make decisions. I'm hurting over the smallest of things. I called to tell him the play day got changed and I wasn't sure what time he was working until and if we should do anything when he got home.
I can't make decisions. I'm  hurting. He is the one who can see I'm falling apart but I'm not important enough for him to care about me. Of course I'm not important enough we haven't lived like husband and wife in 6 years. I'm his roommate that has to feed him.
I called him.
I asked him something unimportant.
He broke something after we hung up.
It's my fault.
Where I realized it's not my fault, I wasn't there. I didn't anger him. We didn't fight. It was a short conversation.
I'm not allowed to call him anymore.
I am so unimportant, do worthless I can't call him anymore!
Would he have broken whatever it was without me calling? I don't know. He said he dropped it after I called. He wouldn't have had the phone in his hand I guess.
I'm worthless.
I'm nothing.
I don't have it in me to do anything to help myself including working out.
My current mission each day is to as little as possible, stay home and not talk to people. I'm killing it!