Brother Day

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I had a 60/40 day today.  60% enjoyed myself but when that 40% of sadness hit, it hit hard.

We took the boys on a train ride to celebrate "brother day". Today was one year that I brought my baby home from the NICU.

My older son had a great time and didn't want to leave. He wants to go back TOMORROW. We had to drag him out of there after 3 hours. The train ride was only 45 minutes long. He wanted to look at the little trains some more, I guess 2 hours of doing that wasn't enough.



I was very sad on the way there. I received a phone call about an issue with one of the boys. After the phone call I didn't feel like sharing the news with the roommate, and he didn't even ask. If I over heard my part of the conversation I would have asked. Heck any of my friends would have asked.

I needed to remind him to stay calm with Anthony several times. By the end of the day when he was losing his patience over stuff, I was losing mine at him!

At dinner I had NOTHING to talk to him about. I sat there taking care of the needs of both kids. Watched Anthony play with his trucks while waiting for his meal, tended to Alexanders little cries. Not once did we look at each other and have anything to say that didn't have to do with the kids. I couldn't even think of a topic to talk about. Anytime we talk about anything we end up fighting. I guess I have just learned to not talk to him.

Case in point, on the way home I told him to go to the corner down the street from my aunt's house to get gas because gasbuddy said it was the cheapest. He's with me for 10 years, has driven to my aunts countless times, but tonight had no idea where he was going. When we finally got to the corner and I pointed to the gas station that we go to a lot, he says 'why didn't you just say the one down the street from the Mall'.

OMG I wanted to scream. This station is walking distance from my Aunt's house yet he wanted me to use a landmark another mile or so away. He finally said he didn't know it was a Delta. Okay so you didn't know it was a Delta, big deal did you forget where my aunt lives?

Then something similar happened in our driveway when I asked about something with the van. I finally just said "Nevermind I don't want to talk"

I spent the rest of the evening putting clothes away and cleaning up around the pig pen. I'm not 100% sure what he did besides 1 load of laundry. I asked him several times to help me clean up in the dining room, I really don't know what he did. I put away most of the stuff.

Anyway, it's stuff like this that makes me miss.. well you know.. the crazy person who just stops talking to me. I am having a hard time letting go, because I want to believe we can work this out. So what did I go and do? I called Captain Moody Pants at work. HA got you now. Can't ignore a work call. I simply said "either block me on facebook or talk to me" I got "okay"

GREAT!! WTF does Okay mean? so far I'm not blocked, but I'm not that hopeful anymore. I want to be, but I'm not. I am telling myself I have to move on, but my stubborn side is digging in her heals, screaming "you won't take me alive"

I need this to have an ending one way or another. Either cut me out of your life totally or talk to me. Living in-between drives me insane.  I have 3 people who know what's going on. They are all sweet, I know they want me to forget about it and move on, but they still listen to me when I'm upset over Captain Moody Pants.

I'm going to bed. I would like to believe I could get a work out in tomorrow, but HA my to do list is a mile long. It would be nice though.

Epic

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I'm one of those people who is directly effected by other people's moods and how they treat me. I've been on a major downward spiral since Thanksgiving. Someone I love has been treating me very poorly. But I'm sure they don't see how much I'm hurting or how mean they have been. I placed value and trust in that relationship. It pains me to be ignored, pushed aside and unwanted. I expected more. I wanted more. I GAVE MORE.

I'm having a very hard time picking myself up.I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm tried of feeling worthless. And all the emotional eating I have been doing shows on the scale.

How can someone who says you mean so much just cut you off? I've been asking myself this for a month.
I really thought I was done with the drama. I really thought it would be better. But even as I type this I feel that knot and the tears starting. I HATE feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want my self worth to be tied to how other people treat me.

My parents treat me like this, my brother has joined in as well. A friend I thought was my -best- friend was also someone who used to put me down and cut me out of her life whenever I didn't live up to what -she- wanted. And here I am again with someone else doing it to me.

I'm hurting because I don't want to let go. I'm hurting because I have always valued them, cared about them, loved them. I'm hurting because I'm not important enough for them to even talk to.

 I haven't found a Magic demon fighting card that gets rid of these feelings. Every day is a fight. So when someone I value, trust, need and love builds up a cement wall, I fall apart.

I need to move on, and find myself. Count on myself. Believe in myself. 

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There's a great article on centerformedicalweightloss.com about forgiving yourself. I need to learn how to do this too.

Looking forward to the new year

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I have been struggling emotionally the last few months. I am not focused on anything. Most days I'm sad. I'm not making time to work out. I'm making very little time for myself. Since the end of August I have been suffering from the worst case of brooksitis I have ever had in my entire life. It has resulted in lacrimation, cephalalgia and takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Not even a time machine can fix it this time.

I am going to work on small steps to change a lot of things next year. It's going to take a lot of planning and I'm not that good with planning but things need to change and I have to do the changing.

Today I finally made time to pick out frames!! I had my eyes checked in Aug and never made time to go pick out frames. Here they are


I treated myself to a new hat too
I am very proud of myself with how far I have come in a year. I know I can do this, I know I can be a better mom. I know I can get organized in my house. I know I can lose weight.

Last year  this time I couldn't wait until 2012, I feel the same way about 2013. I'm ready. I need another fresh start.