Yes I overeat in fact I really have to ask myself if I'm hungry or just bored. I listen for that grumble now and sometimes I can feel my blood sugar DROP so I know I have to eat or I'm going to pass out.
Admitting I overeat was easy to say, but when I thought about WHY I do it, I felt that knot in the back of my throat and the tears forming. If you are told over and over that you weren't wanted, you are worthless, you'll never be anything...YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!!! If there are only a FEW in your life telling you otherwise you DON'T believe them!!!
I turned to food as a comfort very early, but the emotional and physical abuse I was growing up with started YEARS before I started eating pop tarts. And then what happened was my circle of abusers grew as my weight went up.
I will never forget being picked up and carried to the scale for some of my cousins to see how much I weighed and then make fun at me during a family BBQ and NOT ONE ADULT to them to stop.
I continued to eat any time I was upset with what was happening in my life. I gained a lot when my parents were fighting over sending me to college, I gained even more when my 1st husband left me. I started getting my life back on track and lost weight when I turned 30.
In my 30's I was working crazy, long hours making little money, met my 2nd husband and my weight started going up and up and up and OMFG UP!!!!!!! Needless to say I have been VERY UNHAPPY.
And after my miscarriage in '09 I could feel myself spiral totally out of control. I blamed myself, my weight, the years I smoked, God hated me, everybody hated me, that I was in fact worthless and other people were better than me so they got to have babies and I didn't.
I have to fight these DEMONS just about every single day! It is still hard for me to believe I am not worthless!!!!!
It was only after my miss of my little girl(s) [unconfirmed twins - started miscarrying before I could get to the doctor and after my DNC I was told it was a girl] I saw a sign in the doctors office for The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and thought... "I want to try that".
I asked and asked my "saboteur" to watch my older child, but she forgot, or was busy or whatever the reason. So I never got there. Then I noticed that the "saboteur" was losing weight and I kept telling her she looked good. One day I happened upon her little secret that she went and started with The Center for Weight Medical Weight Loss and didn't tell me!!!! After hearing her LIE to people about how she was losing weight, I finally picked up the phone made and asked if it would be alright for me to bring my son to the appointments.
I started on June 22, 2010 with my 2.5 year old in tow every week. I was not working out much and still allowing everyone else to control my life with going out to eat or sucking up my time so exercising wasn't happening much. It took me 9 months to get off 40lbs!!!!! I was doing the diet but still fighting those DEMONS and wasn't working hard enough.
On the day the scale said I was down that 40lbs I was already pregnant with my 2nd son. The diet stopped for my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to get back on the diet. I HATED seeing the scale go up and up and UP again. I was at my 6 week check up and made my appointment to start the diet again even before the official approval of my OBGYN. Of course he gave it to me and I jumped back in with two feet running.
The last few months I have surrounded myself with positive people.. well not that I see them every day, but my support group are just one text/phone call away. I can't believe how long it took for me in this life to have friends who are REAL FRIENDS... and guess what?
Most of the people I'm talking about I knew from grammar school. We all connected again thanks to facebook and I am a much better person having them in my life than not at all. There are others who I met when I was single who are also there for me.
I do have support from my other side the of family.. not the cousins who put me on the scale, my other two who I love dearly!!!! I have forgiven the other cousins over the years, I just don't believe they knew how hurtful they were being.
This year so far has been AMAZING. I gained 70lbs being pregnant this time! If I had a yogurt I gained weight! I came home from the hospital 20lbs lighter but still full of water. By the end of Dec I was down another 20lbs.
I started the diet this time back up 30lbs from where I was last March. I am really pushing myself, I believe in myself, and I am doing this for MYSELF this time. I am so proud of myself for getting almost 30lbs off in 3 months!! The loving support and encouragement is also making a big difference.
I still fight those evil demons, but someone who loves me got me a demon protection spell
When I saw this posted tonight on someone's wall on FB I smiled. This sums up what I'm feeling. This is really important to me.
Thanks for reading My Big Fat @$$
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